Tombadil
Member
- Nov 19, 2025
- 33
basically, i just have come to write here to vent and clear my mind. It just helps me organize things now, as apparently i still have some things to take care of.
I go back to my family instead of finding peace in some time soon. So i will probably have too apply for welfare again, and i hate these people. The jobs i was working in have been eliminated by ai, and iĀ“m becoming to old to get a job in this economy anyways. The last time i was depending on welfare i was without any medical health insurance for long periods because i tried to make a living being self-sufficient as an artist and they constantly send me threatening post with the request to lay open any accounts i would have, as if i had some at some tax oasis. It will be very tiring using up a lot of the energy i have left for that. Also i have the task to try to build an enterprise out of nothing, just to try to give something to my family who are also headed for a less brighter future, my brothers enterprise tries to mob him out and my mother is getting sicker by the day. Feels like a last chance powerdrive and i hate it, the odds of actually succeeding in this are so small as survival for people like us is these days, just as it it. I just havent told them the real odds. No matter what happens, it will put them under stress also, as i will be probably without health cover for longer times. Its like it is in the country i come from. If you dont hit checkboxes you are nothing.
There are so many problems that arise with my decision to go another bit further. If i had ctb as planned it would have stressed them out of course, but this way it will also as it is very clear that none the less, i am now way beyond the matrix. If things go downhill i will have to take the bus, and mentally the part of me that wants to find peace and leave it all behind rejects the stress and anxiety that comes with me still going a bit, like a body would fight a cancer cell.
Additionally, i am still looking for valid ways to find a way for a peaceful ctb, i will order some sn these days, but i think they will scam me.
Also i have to still check on my handsickness that is not getting better, it keeps coming back and is the dark harbinger of athritis, or some version of it at least. I dont even know if i stil could do a regular job.
I hate all this so much.
This situation is just getting so confusing, i actually have to write about it to understand where in this clusterfuck of a life a actually am right now.
I go back to my family instead of finding peace in some time soon. So i will probably have too apply for welfare again, and i hate these people. The jobs i was working in have been eliminated by ai, and iĀ“m becoming to old to get a job in this economy anyways. The last time i was depending on welfare i was without any medical health insurance for long periods because i tried to make a living being self-sufficient as an artist and they constantly send me threatening post with the request to lay open any accounts i would have, as if i had some at some tax oasis. It will be very tiring using up a lot of the energy i have left for that. Also i have the task to try to build an enterprise out of nothing, just to try to give something to my family who are also headed for a less brighter future, my brothers enterprise tries to mob him out and my mother is getting sicker by the day. Feels like a last chance powerdrive and i hate it, the odds of actually succeeding in this are so small as survival for people like us is these days, just as it it. I just havent told them the real odds. No matter what happens, it will put them under stress also, as i will be probably without health cover for longer times. Its like it is in the country i come from. If you dont hit checkboxes you are nothing.
There are so many problems that arise with my decision to go another bit further. If i had ctb as planned it would have stressed them out of course, but this way it will also as it is very clear that none the less, i am now way beyond the matrix. If things go downhill i will have to take the bus, and mentally the part of me that wants to find peace and leave it all behind rejects the stress and anxiety that comes with me still going a bit, like a body would fight a cancer cell.
Additionally, i am still looking for valid ways to find a way for a peaceful ctb, i will order some sn these days, but i think they will scam me.
Also i have to still check on my handsickness that is not getting better, it keeps coming back and is the dark harbinger of athritis, or some version of it at least. I dont even know if i stil could do a regular job.
I hate all this so much.
This situation is just getting so confusing, i actually have to write about it to understand where in this clusterfuck of a life a actually am right now.
