it comes and goes.

[lemonbunny]

i feel like i'm a husk of a person, so tired from changing my mind all the time. one moment i'm wallowing in my ctb urges, the next i'm panicking and trying to make lists/prep for school and what's to come.

i feel like i have been so inconsistent and flaky my entire life and can't do anything right because i either lose passion or have a complete change of heart. and when i inevitably fall back into sadness again, it's worse every time. "why did i even try?" / "why don't i ever learn that it doesn't get better?" these thoughts plague my mind. i cannot let myself take baby steps. it's all or nothing. i don't understand, i'm so tired, i wish my mood was calm so i could slowly get it together.

 

[Death is my goal]

i feel the exact same, it's a torture

 

[Pizarnikishere]

I feel the same way, although I feel like I'm getting more and more anxious about not having done ctb. I feel like I'm just making myself suffer and suffer here.

 

[Girlfriend]

i cannot let myself take baby steps. it's all or nothing. i don't understand, i'm so tired, i wish my mood was calm so i could slowly get it together.

Don't get me wrong, this is easier said than done, but I relate a lot to your post so I'm going to share how I've changed perspective a lot over the past handful of months.

I'm sorry if this is an incorrect assumption to make, but I assume you have a roof over your head? Access to food? A bed?

If not, you can reply and call me a dumbass and stop reading here.

If for the foreseeable future, you have the means to survive… take your time. You sound like you're young. Life isn't running out.

You absolutely HAVE TO allow yourself to have days where maybe only one or two things get done. And on these days, you HAVE TO allow yourself to be proud of yourself for getting those things done. On occasion, the one thing you do per day can be simply resting because yes that is doing something.

You don't have to have it all together right now. You never will. There will always be something in life that is incomplete or unfinished or needs a little extra work. That's just the human psyche.

It's okay to not be perfect. Just take it a day at a time. Some days will be worse than others but in the end you're still here. And as long as you are still here.. there is always tomorrow.

 

[lemonbunny]

You don't have to have it all together right now. You never will. There will always be something in life that is incomplete or unfinished or needs a little extra work. That's just the human psyche.

It's okay to not be perfect. Just take it a day at a time. Some days will be worse than others but in the end you're still here. And as long as you are still here.. there is always tomorrow.

it is hard to escape the illusion that i am running out of time and it is already too late. but ur post gives me a little bit of hope.

thank you sm for your post. <3