monetpompo
૮ • ﻌ - ა
- Apr 21, 2025
- 684
something i realized earlier today is that my post is just a thinly veiled blog because i don't anonymize enough details about my life, lol. i feel like i should go through a bigger effort to make my account look like a burner. only have 3 irl friends and my sister would never go here, so i doubt anyone will see my account unless i forget to wipe my laptop data. only my best friend would know me from my posts, since he knows my tone of voice so well. i'm also really verbose in texts, the same way i am here. i'm not really worried about anyone else stumbling across my account.
i kind of talk about everything i have going on, but i try to avoid talking about actual life stuff because then you guys might figure out who i am. i don't have any social media accounts and i'm kind of repulsed by the idea of my face being on the internet at all. i feel a little bad that all my sasu posts will inevitably be forgotten about by the people that read them because they'll leave the site or read posts from new accounts when i go inactive. but i guess that's the nature of the site. i've been thinking about distancing myself from sasu but it's still my second home, since i don't have many friends. i'll really miss the feeling of community on here once i log in for the last time. sasu feels like my first real attempt at having social media (because i hate reddit...). i'm writing this while eating dinner since sasu's become my nightly and morning routine. it would be better if i found something to replace it with, because i still recognize that it's not healthy to always be on a suicide forum. i've been fixated on suicide for so long that i almost can't remember who i was before it. i came on here to research hanging, because that's what a lot of my older posts were about. now i hate hanging and i feel incrediblly frustrated by the idea that suicide was ever supposed to be "easy" in the first place. it took me ages to even step off my stool for a few seconds because i get so scared. a lot of my attempts were just me staring at the noose and hitting the shinji pose on top of my stool because i felt so full of grief. i have a lot of posts talking about feeling embarrassed about it. i kept thinking that "real" suicidal people would just have the strength to do it, but "real" suicide people don't exist. suicidal people are allowed to be alive and not feel guilty for it.
i feel almost wistful reminiscing about the accounts i talked to back in may and early june. none of those people are around anymore. you almost don't notice when accounts stop being active. i'll try to remember to say goodbye once i really do leave, even if i forget that people regularly read my posts and leave comments on them. i know i matter because i still think of those people, even if we barely exchanged messages. being on here constantly will always lead to more rumination than comfort for me, since talking about my thoughts just prolongs their existence in my mind. i think that i've really thrived by having somewhere i can consistently write my thoughts without judgement, but everyone inevitably outgrows being on here. it can just get too depressing being here every day.
i kind of talk about everything i have going on, but i try to avoid talking about actual life stuff because then you guys might figure out who i am. i don't have any social media accounts and i'm kind of repulsed by the idea of my face being on the internet at all. i feel a little bad that all my sasu posts will inevitably be forgotten about by the people that read them because they'll leave the site or read posts from new accounts when i go inactive. but i guess that's the nature of the site. i've been thinking about distancing myself from sasu but it's still my second home, since i don't have many friends. i'll really miss the feeling of community on here once i log in for the last time. sasu feels like my first real attempt at having social media (because i hate reddit...). i'm writing this while eating dinner since sasu's become my nightly and morning routine. it would be better if i found something to replace it with, because i still recognize that it's not healthy to always be on a suicide forum. i've been fixated on suicide for so long that i almost can't remember who i was before it. i came on here to research hanging, because that's what a lot of my older posts were about. now i hate hanging and i feel incrediblly frustrated by the idea that suicide was ever supposed to be "easy" in the first place. it took me ages to even step off my stool for a few seconds because i get so scared. a lot of my attempts were just me staring at the noose and hitting the shinji pose on top of my stool because i felt so full of grief. i have a lot of posts talking about feeling embarrassed about it. i kept thinking that "real" suicidal people would just have the strength to do it, but "real" suicide people don't exist. suicidal people are allowed to be alive and not feel guilty for it.
i feel almost wistful reminiscing about the accounts i talked to back in may and early june. none of those people are around anymore. you almost don't notice when accounts stop being active. i'll try to remember to say goodbye once i really do leave, even if i forget that people regularly read my posts and leave comments on them. i know i matter because i still think of those people, even if we barely exchanged messages. being on here constantly will always lead to more rumination than comfort for me, since talking about my thoughts just prolongs their existence in my mind. i think that i've really thrived by having somewhere i can consistently write my thoughts without judgement, but everyone inevitably outgrows being on here. it can just get too depressing being here every day.
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