is unrequited love a factor in your decision or want to ctb?

[Kokonoe]

just wondering if there is anyone else like this. while far from my only reason, it's definitely a major factor, and why i feel "pushed" to do it, and honestly have felt that way for years. it haunts my every day life and assaults me with pain and feelings of worthlessness nonstop. at this point it feels like it'll be lifelong. i've never been loved. not really. and even then i was never a priority, i was never chosen, i was just an afterthought. i feel incapable of loving and being loved. and at this point even if i was, and i had that in my life by some miracle, i don't think it would be enough to change anything anymore. i'm going to be haunted like this all the way to my grave.

 

[eggsausagerice]

i feel incapable of loving and being loved by others because i'm so scarred from other people choosing someone else over me or never needing me in the first place, just using me as a stepping stool for someone that's less dependent, has more in common with them, or is just more than what i can give them. i've never really been loved by anyone and being talked to by people that have been in multiple monogamous, serious relationships while i've only had crushes and messy situationships that ended in blocking and suicidal spiralling just makes me feel even more subhuman. i'm tired of my pain being minimized just because other people don't think it's actually that painful to be haunted by being someone that gets let down easily by being told we can still be friends or loved temporarily.

it's painful. very painful. i don't know how anyone can live with this feeling inside of their chest or memories constantly playing in your head of all the times you couldn't be enough, or when you did love someone but they left you anyways. even if someone did love me or if the one person i wanted to stay with me came back, i'm not the same person i used to be before i became torn up inside and completely dissociated from myself to cope with the loss of friendship and love. when i think about writing this in my suicide note i feel like no one will even understand that i just wanted to be loved by others before things got to this point. i feel awful every day now, but i have to act like things are fine because there's no way to describe the feeling of constant inadequacy if i've genuinely never been loved by my parents, friends, or by a partner.

 

[Kokonoe]

i feel incapable of loving and being loved by others because i'm so scarred from other people choosing someone else over me or never needing me in the first place, just using me as a stepping stool for someone that's less dependent, has more in common with them, or is just more than what i can give them. i've never really been loved by anyone and being talked to by people that have been in multiple monogamous, serious relationships while i've only had crushes and messy situationships that ended in blocking and suicidal spiralling just makes me feel even more subhuman. i'm tired of my pain being minimized just because other people don't think it's actually that painful to be haunted by being someone that gets let down easily by being told we can still be friends or loved temporarily.

it's painful. very painful. i don't know how anyone can live with this feeling inside of their chest or memories constantly playing in your head of all the times you couldn't be enough, or when you did love someone but they left you anyways. even if someone did love me or if the one person i wanted to stay with me came back, i'm not the same person i used to be before i became torn up inside and completely dissociated from myself to cope with the loss of friendship and love.

your post really hits close to home for me. i'm also so scarred from the people i really loved or trusted choosing others over me. i got reminded about that and it really hurt, which is what made me want to post this.
i've only ever been in messy situationships or (very) short lasting polycules. never a serious monogamous relationship like i want. and i feel horrible seeing other people have that when it feels so unattainable to me. i came out 7 years ago and yet i'e never even really had a real girlfriend, which just makes me sad to think about. i get used for my body or whatever benefits they get from me and then tossed aside. it really does make me feel subhuman, too.

the person my post was about was my oldest sister (found family, not actually related, but she's been more of a sister to me than my blood sister, and i've known her for long than my blood sister, too..) she got me out of isolation and really did save my life, more than just once. i really looked up to her and she meant a lot to me. and all she really was was a sister to me. it wasn't until like a year of knowing her that she tried to pursue intimacy with me, and it all happened really fast. and next thing i knew i was in a relationship with my oldest sister and her partner. it ended in a week, faster than i could even process what happened to me. but then for the next year she still maintained the same amount of intimacy and closeness as when we were dating, effectively still using me as another partner but without any of the commitment. and i was too scared to ever do anything about it. i knew i was getting used and tried to stand up for myself, and all that gotten me was having her choose someone else over me a second time. i wasn't worth enough for her twice. and then she still didn't change anything. only recently has she actually established any real boundaries with me. and it's been really depressing. her partner is also someone who was really awful and downright abusive to me, so knowing that the person i care about the most is with them for life is deeply upsetting. it makes me want to die. my mom has even told me that i loved her so much that that feeling is really never going to go away, it's just going to be a hole in my life forever, and i already feel it constantly. i don't think i'm ever going to move on from her and i hate it. she's still in my life and i'm still some level of dependent on her, which makes it even harder on me. i feel just as trapped with her as i always have. sorry for the incoherent rant about her. it's ok if you didn't read it, i'm just typing along with my thoughts really.

also if you'd ever want to talk about this sort of thing feel free to dm me, it's nice to hear someone who i can relate to.

 

[11April]

Yes, that's my main reason. Especially when the one you love is ready to choose anyone but you. This feeling has been with me for over 10 years now, and I know it will never go away. I understand you - this hits your self-esteem really hard.