Is this my ultimate penance?

[todestrieb]

I feel like I drove my husband to CTB. I mean, I know I did. I was the catalyst. It was going to happen I'm sure, but it happened that moment because of me. Nothing in my life has gone right since and I feel like this is my punishment. I've lost the last little bit of my family I had. I've gotten myself into massive debt trying to hold on to my child, but he manipulated me and I didn't even see it coming. I've eaten nothing but ramen and bologna for days because of it. lol I'm tired. My mind and body is exhausted. I've confided in my doctor and he's confident I'll get better but do I even want to? The medicine doesn't help. The memories come crashing. I spend half of my work day curled up in the corner crying waiting for the anxiety pill to kick in. I spend the evenings alone in a house that was once full of life. The only thing getting me through the night right now is harming myself. The intrusive thoughts are so painful and raw. I've begun hallucinating again. I don't understand why I can't legally choose to go to sleep and never wake up when I live with this illness that can never be cured. I can mask it with medicine all day long but it will always be there. I will always be *that bipolar person* that people find hilarious for some reason. Imagine being bullied as an adult. I'm such a sad sack, I swear. I will never understand why an incurable mental illness doesn't fall under the umbrella.

 

[waitingforrest]

I don't know the exact details, but I do know that guilt is a horrible feeling. Society just expects people to move on after a traumatic event. But most of the time, people never move on, they just learn to cope and live with the pain. But not everyone wants to live with pain and regrets.

I'm really sorry with what has happened to you. Having a mental illness sometimes feels like a curse that effects everything. I too sometimes wonder why Ctb isn't legal. Mental illness can be just as debilitating as physical illnesses.

 

[FuneralCry]

It sounds really awful what you are going through, I'm sorry you are in this situation. I can imagine it must be unbearable being in so much pain. I understand that it is hard to carry on when you are suffering so much. It is cruel how the society denies people the option of a peaceful exit and expects them to suffer for decades against their wishes. I wish you the best in whatever happens.