Is the juice worth the squeeze?

[Stavrogin]

I've come to recognise that my suicidal ideation is most prevalent when I am comparing myself to others and subsequently scrutinising what I have interpreted myself to be in light of those comparisons. Doing this leaves me feeling inferior and inadequate because I will never be the most intelligent; the most beautiful; the strongest; the most desirable - I will never have my Mothers love, that ship has already sailed. On the other hand, I have also experienced moments, far more infrequently, as mentioned in the video below, where I conceptualise myself as something that could be no other than what it is; that it, that I, will never be good enough. During these moments I come to doubt whether I should even bother ctb. I am reminded of Schopenhauer, in his essay On Suicide, stating that the act of suicide is actually an affirmation of life, and not a denial, due to his idea that suffering is the positive force in life and happiness a mere negation of that suffering.

What causes you to doubt ctb?