Is suicide a possibility—or even acceptable—when you are caring for a sick loved one?

[Defenestration]

Is suicide a possibility—or even acceptable—when you are caring for a sick loved one?

One of the main things holding me back is the fact that my mother has Alzheimer's; I see her every day... and even though I'm not her primary caregiver, I'm heavily involved in her care. It would be seen as a betrayal and would completely and permanently destroy the family.
My mother, father, and sister—who are already vulnerable—would never recover from it...

But at the same time, I've been suffering for so long( more 20 years), and the reality is that in six months, a year, two years, or five years, I'll still have someone to care for, so the situation will be exactly the same.

What do you think?

 

[Vera1997]

Its always tough when it comes weighing your own suffering VS the impact suicide will have on your loved ones.

I think suicide is inherently selfish because you will leave an impact on those who love you (if you have any at all, which seems the case for you).

But being selfish is NOT always a bad thing. In the case of suicide, I dont think it is. There is nothing wrong or 'unacceptable' about prioritizing your own suffering over others'.

I would probably think differently if you were the only one your mother could depend on, but it doesnt seem to be the case.

Of course this is just my personal opinion. I dont know all your story.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

Suicide itself isn't selfish it's self-care but for social beings it's not that easy.

Unfortunately, there is no solution to this problem. Someone will inevitably have to suffer. Either we, who'd wanna be relieved from unbearable pain that pushes us to suicide but cannot due to "guilt" or the family&loved ones who will then grief the loss and likely cannot understand the suffering we went through.

 

[Defenestration]

I'm not the primary caregiver, but my mother relies on me heavily; she doesn't have a good relationship with my father... The problem is, there will always be something... In the past, I was in a relationship with someone who was ill, so I couldn't move on... now there's my mother... when she passes away, I won't be able to leave my father alone... and then there's my sister, who has no other family...

 

[Defenestration]

Other opinions please?

 

[NoPoint2Life]

I assume you're not also a parent?
Because I would basically put it on that level. Someone is relying on you just as a child would. What would you tell someone in that position?
And that's why there's no good answer to this question. Both situations are really complicated. Sorry for what you're going through.

 

[DeathSweetDeath]

Since you're not her primary caregiver, I think it's up to you.

 

[Defenestration]

Puisque vous n'êtes pas son principal soignant, je pense que c'est à vous de décider.

No, I don't have any children. If someone close to me were to commit suicide, I'd be very sad, but I wouldn't hold it against them at all.

Technically, I'm not the primary caregiver, but I do handle a lot of things...

The problem, as I mentioned, is that if I wait until my mother passes away, that could take years... then I'd become my father's primary caregiver, so it gets complicated... and when he passes, I wouldn't be able to abandon my sister, who is quite isolated...

 

[DeathSweetDeath]

No, I don't have any children. If someone close to me were to commit suicide, I'd be very sad, but I wouldn't hold it against them at all.

Technically, I'm not the primary caregiver, but I do handle a lot of things...

The problem, as I mentioned, is that if I wait until my mother passes away, that could take years... then I'd become my father's primary caregiver, so it gets complicated... and when he passes, I wouldn't be able to abandon my sister, who is quite isolated...

I agree, and it would also be hard after she passes because then they will be mourning your mother, how to figure out how long you'd wait? I think your family can take over handling whatever you're handling, and I'd just base the decision on when you feel ready.

 

[Defenestration]

The problem is that it's an endless cycle;
I can't take my own life right now because of my mother. Then there's the dog—I'd need to be there for my father... and after my mother passes away—whether before or after the dog, I don't know—I'll have to be there for my father... And when my father passes away, I can't leave my sister alone... At this rate, I'd have to wait a great many years...

 

[Defenestration]

Other opinions?

 

[Disabledfromjump7]

Is suicide a possibility—or even acceptable—when you are caring for a sick loved one?

One of the main things holding me back is the fact that my mother has Alzheimer's; I see her every day... and even though I'm not her primary caregiver, I'm heavily involved in her care. It would be seen as a betrayal and would completely and permanently destroy the family.
My mother, father, and sister—who are already vulnerable—would never recover from it...

But at the same time, I've been suffering for so long( more 20 years), and the reality is that in six months, a year, two years, or five years, I'll still have someone to care for, so the situation will be exactly the same.

What do you think?

I had a father who is disabled and it added stress to my life. I jumped in psychosis from lack of sleep and didn't die. If you're physically able and can ask for a break from caring for your mother with others DO IT!

I told all of my family I couldn't do this (care for my dad) while I was working full time and no one cared. My family didn't work full time and they had unreasonable expectations from me. I didn't anticipate living when I jumped and now I'm more disabled than my father.

Hang in there if you can. Get angry! Ask for help with responsibilities!

Other opinions?

I went in psychosis and ended up living. I am sorry you are suffering. It s there anything I can tell you that would help?

 

[limenlux]

I became my grandmother's caregiver for nearly eight years after she developed Alzheimer's, so I'm familiar with the demands and strain involved in caring for someone with such an unfortunate condition.

First of all, I would like to applaud you for your noble actions and mindset with regards to taking care of your family. I would also personally rule out the idea that you would be betraying anyone by seeking to escape your own suffering, because I just don't think that's either a motive or a consequence of succumbing to the kind of despair that many of us here feel so intimately.

Having said that, I completely understand why you feel so troubled by the thought of stepping away from caring for your family, in any capacity. In my situation, I was depressed, but not actively suicidal while taking care of my grandmother, and I didn't relinquish control of her care until she absolutely had to enter a hospice. At the same time, nearly all of my family refused to lift a finger to help either of us, rendering the idea that I should be there for them in perpetuity comically absurd, even if I weren't currently disabled myself. In any case, I wish I'd demanded more of them, as opposed to vice versa.

Does your family know anything about your mental health? My apologies if I missed something about this.

 

[bl33ding_heart]

I don't think it's inherently selfish or evil. If you have been suffering for years you should be allowed to put yourself first.

 

[Defenestration]

I had a father who is disabled and it added stress to my life. I jumped in psychosis from lack of sleep and didn't die. If you're physically able and can ask for a break from caring for your mother with others DO IT!

I told all of my family I couldn't do this (care for my dad) while I was working full time and no one cared. My family didn't work full time and they had unreasonable expectations from me. I didn't anticipate living when I jumped and now I'm more disabled than my father.

Hang in there if you can. Get angry! Ask for help with responsibilities!

I went in psychosis and ended up living. I am sorry you are suffering. It s there anything I can tell you that would help?

Thank you very much; just getting a reply on this topic is great.

I became my grandmother's caregiver for nearly eight years after she developed Alzheimer's, so I'm familiar with the demands and strain involved in caring for someone with such an unfortunate condition.

First of all, I would like to applaud you for your noble actions and mindset with regards to taking care of your family. I would also personally rule out the idea that you would be betraying anyone by seeking to escape your own suffering, because I just don't think that's either a motive or a consequence of succumbing to the kind of despair that many of us here feel so intimately.

Having said that, I completely understand why you feel so troubled by the thought of stepping away from caring for your family, in any capacity. In my situation, I was depressed, but not actively suicidal while taking care of my grandmother, and I didn't relinquish control of her care until she absolutely had to enter a hospice. At the same time, nearly all of my family refused to lift a finger to help either of us, rendering the idea that I should be there for them in perpetuity comically absurd, even if I weren't currently disabled myself. In any case, I wish I'd demanded more of them, as opposed to vice versa.

Does your family know anything about your mental health? My apologies if I missed something about this.

My family is generally aware of my mental health issues, but they don't know I'm suicidal... I've also been with a partner for four months; he's very much in love with me, but he understands that we are free to make our own choices about our lives. We had discussed this.

 

[No-name]

Thank you very much; just getting a reply on this topic is great.

My family is generally aware of my mental health issues, but they don't know I'm suicidal... I've also been with a partner for four months; he's very much in love with me, but he understands that we are free to make our own choices about our lives. We had discussed this.

I was suicidal 14 years ago. I had ofcourse a different situation then yours. I took care of my brother then with schizofrenia, my father with bipolair and my mother and oldest brother being healty. I knew I couldn' t catch the bus because I would destroy the family.

So I took mushrooms to give me answers. And the universe or the effects told me, that it doesnt matter how you die. All is good. But it sure would be nice if you could stick around longer for them.

I received some help after a even darker period, that came from my mother especially and was able to turn the tide and travel the world, finish my study, we felt supported back then. Maybe ten good years. First my mother went with cancer, then my father with euthanasia and then my brother who I was the primary care giver for till his euthanasia. I even had a short relationship for one summer with a woman I was in love with. Then I worked a few years as a mental care giver, which I was good at.

Now the suicide feelings came back two months ago and the longing to rest. And I would still be hesitant because I have an oldest brother and nephews. And they dealt with a lot of death. I am trying to go to work and get a bit older. But in the end the answer the 'universe' gave me stays the same. I would not feel incredible guilty any longer. Because I can honestly say I tried and achieved to stay beyond the people I care about the most. And if I cant work any more, not able to get a normal life partner, deal with so much lonliness and handicap, I believe I am at the end of my road. And am now prepared to go with everything I need, but not feeling completly suicidal any more. I told my friends and brother to be prepared that one day it might happen in the future, because I am struggeling and now doing a bit better and trying to get to work.

But still the answer I had back then would be the same, it doesnt matter if you go. But it would be great if you could change your situation a bit and hang on for your family and maybe do some nice things for yourself. Ofcourse this doesnt work for everyone. Like my dad and middle brother who didnt get better and got euthanasia. I ll never get euthanasie, so accept that one day I; ll have to do it myself. On my funeral I would ask to call it self euthanasia.

 

[Disabledfromjump7]

Thank you very much; just getting a reply on this topic is great.

My family is generally aware of my mental health issues, but they don't know I'm suicidal... I've also been with a partner for four months; he's very much in love with me, but he understands that we are free to make our own choices about our lives. We had discussed this.

My husband tried to tell me to stop listening to my family and to push back and I had this whole sleep deprivation thing happening with some additional job stress and everyone was trying to medicate me for depression which I do not believe I had.

I was very exhausted with it all - not depressed. I wanted it to end but my life with my husband wasn't bad and if I hadn't of done this we would be very happy right now. I just couldn't get it through to my family how bad it was.

I would tell my family I "can't do this". This: was work, dad, commuting 2 hours a day, wife chores and it was the sleep deprivation going into psychosis that broke me.

Tell your family: if you want me breathing you better help me. If not I will not be here tomorrow one way or another.

Tell them: You have health issues and you can't attend to your mom.

Feeling this way is a health issue according to all the damn people who has told me I am bipolar one now. However I had a fully functional life with no issues till I was 50 and in sleep deprivation.

That diagnosis is a fraud. I do t believe it but I put up with it because I am disabled and my husband wants some security I won't call an uber to jump off another bridge. It changes nothing because I don't want to live like this. I would have never jumped off a bridge had I not been in sleep psychosis was all the pressure from everyone + work + dad.

Hang in there. DEMAND help.

 

[No-name]

My husband tried to tell me to stop listening to my family and to push back and I had this whole sleep deprivation thing happening with some additional job stress and everyone was trying to medicate me for depression which I do not believe I had.

I was very exhausted with it all - not depressed. I wanted it to end but my life with my husband wasn't bad and if I hadn't of done this we would be very happy right now. I just couldn't get it through to my family how bad it was.

I would tell my family I "can't do this". This: was work, dad, commuting 2 hours a day, wife chores and it was the sleep deprivation going into psychosis that broke me.

Tell your family: if you want me breathing you better help me. If not I will not be here tomorrow one way or another.

Tell them: You have health issues and you can't attend to your mom.

Feeling this way is a health issue according to all the damn people who has told me I am bipolar one now. However I had a fully functional life with no issues till I was 50 and in sleep deprivation.

That diagnosis is a fraud. I do t believe it but I put up with it because I am disabled and my husband wants some security I won't call an uber to jump off another bridge. It changes nothing because I don't want to live like this. I would have never jumped off a bridge had I not been in sleep psychosis was all the pressure from everyone + work + dad.

Hang in there. DEMAND help.

Demanding help can work, in a disfunctional family because of health issues, can be years of people not being able to, or have space to help.

 

[Disabledfromjump7]

It's a chance. She can move and walk away with her boyfriend. Anything is better than failing and being disabled like me.

 

[Sadbanana]

I would say morals don't really exist. You won't care what others think about you once you are dead. But I get that it still makes you feel bad for them, so it's up to you whether it's worth it.

 

[Defenestration]

Very complicated

 

[limenlux]

Thank you very much; just getting a reply on this topic is great.

My family is generally aware of my mental health issues, but they don't know I'm suicidal... I've also been with a partner for four months; he's very much in love with me, but he understands that we are free to make our own choices about our lives. We had discussed this.

How do you think a frank conversation with your family about your feelings and concerns on this subject would go? I can understand withholding your suicidality from them, as such a topic may be too perilous for a lot of people, but if they're generally supportive, they should understand why you might feel so anxious and overwhelmed in this situation.

 

[Defenestration]

I can't talk to them about it; they'll start watching me all the time... they'll get scared, and I'll never be able to ctb

 

[limenlux]

I can't talk to them about it; they'll start watching me all the time... they'll get scared, and I'll never be able to ctb

You're right that this is a complicated situation. I definitely think that the advice given by @Disabledfromjump7 regarding being assertive about needing more assistance, or perhaps even a break from the weight placed on your shoulders by all of this is wise and worthy of consideration, if nothing else can be done.

Edit to add that if you just need to vent about this to someone who has been in a somewhat similar position, I'll listen, for whatever that's worth.