Venting Is my life worth living? In need of genuine analysis

[GirlOfThought06]

Also autistic and female so I am going to respond in the way I would want to be responded to:

What does life feel like day to day for you? What do you enjoy? What hurts? Can you think of particular things that would give you hope or more enjoyment if they were to happen? Can you name them for me?

What have you learned about the world and your place in it in your 19 years? What did the bullying communicate to you? What did your relationship with your parents communicate to you?

This is most crucial: what have you learned about yourself? I imagine there has been enormous pressure to perceive yourself through the eyes of (predominantly neurotypical) others - and I think I can sense that in the way you chose describe yourself in terms of competencies and assigned pathologies. Who are you on the interior?

You are very young and there is a kind of inherent hope in that. But I also don't want to diminish what I think you have experienced by this point. It is a very difficult thing to be neurodivergent in a world that is increasingly hostile to neurodivergence, especially female neurodivergence. This doesn't mean that it is hopeless. But I think a lot of unnecessary confusion and distress can stem from failing to acknowledge that reality.

You'll probably best be able to make this judgement for yourself once you allow yourself to fully inhabit your own perspective.

I'll try and answer, but they may not be good sadly
Life kinda just feels like it blends together— I really don't remember much about my days. If you asked me what I did last Friday all I'd be able to say is what I do every Friday— class and going to religious services, nothing else because it all just is wiped from my mind I guess.
Everything hurts in a way— being alone, being around people, it all just stings just differently. I don't know how to feel about most things.
Good news generally gives me hope, I was a little okay Monday when I heard of an anime adaptation I really wanted, but otherwise I don't get much good news at all. I'd say I like spending money too but I avoid it, I don't want to become an addict
All I know my place in the world is like… not in it that's for sure. I'm an outsider and don't feel like I belong anywhere. I hate myself and it's the only message I've been told.
Bullying taught me I don't belong and there was something inherently wrong with me that made it my fault
Meanwhile my parents have taught me that I can't trust my own perception, I don't know definitive reality due to excessive gaslighting (they wanted to protect me)
I don't know much about myself— ask me to list my personality traits all I can say are the negatives, im needy and self loathing, im paranoid to the point of delusion. I dont know who i am or what i am really, i feel like some type of pathetic mimicry of what a human should be just staggering through life trying to play pretend. I Don't know, im just scared, unsure, always wondering what did I do to be treated this way, and why didn't I deserve what they had

 

[claracatchingthebus]

Pre-Health Program

www.sarahlawrence.edu

Through individual advising, group advising sessions, workshops, and programming, as well as collaboration with various offices around campus, the Pre-Health Program provides students with a rich array of academic and advising resources and support. The goal is for students to feel connected, integrated, and supported by our pre-health community of students, faculty, and staff.


At Sarah Lawrence, conference work provides students with additional opportunities to organize original research projects, pursue independent learning, and critically examine professional literature—skills fundamental to future success in medical and health professional schools. Students in the program have significant contact with the Pre-Health dean and faculty members through conferences, coursework, and independent research. The Pre-Health dean, Office of Career Services, and faculty members also serve as resources for information regarding course selection and sequencing, research and clinical opportunities within the community, application preparation, and mock interviews.

 

[thegreatminderaser]

It's alright you weren't dismissive :>
It just feels ruined because all around me are people who are living their dream lives— going to parties, drinking, having fun, traveling the world— it's all I see even from my friends
And then there's me
I don't get any of that
I sit in my room and cry all the time because im weird

what prevents you from going to parties/drinking with them? iirc i read travel had a financial constraint, which i can relate to- do you drive or have a friend who drives? you could go on a road trip, or camping. smaller, but you'd be able to make some nice memories. is there anything else you're wanting out of life?

 

[claracatchingthebus]

Transfer Deadlines

Sarah Lawrence College enrolls new transfer students in both the fall and spring semesters each year.
Fall Semester Entrance
The application deadline is March 1. Applications received after March 1 will be considered on a space-available basis.
Spring Semester Entrance
The application deadline is November 1. Applications received after November 1 will be considered on a space-available basis.

See if you can get into the Spring Entrance. I would call. If not, do Fall.
The average GPA for admitted students at Sarah Lawrence College is approximately 3.8, and the average SAT score is around 1340. These figures indicate that the college is quite competitive in its admissions process. Wikipedia prepscholar.com

Average GPA and SAT Scores for Sarah Lawrence College

Average GPA

• The average GPA for admitted students at Sarah Lawrence College is 3.8 on a 4.0 scale. This indicates that most successful applicants are near the top of their high school class.

Average SAT Scores

• The average SAT score composite is 1340.
• The score breakdown is as follows:

SAT Section	Average Score	25th Percentile	75th Percentile
Reading + Writing	692	650	740
Composite	1340	1270	1440

Admissions Overview

• The acceptance rate is approximately 61.7%, indicating a moderately selective admissions process.
• While SAT scores are considered, Sarah Lawrence College has a test-optional policy, meaning students are not required to submit SAT scores for admission.

The average GPA for transfer students at Sarah Lawrence College is around 3.75, and the average SAT score for those who submit scores is approximately 1360. The acceptance rate for transfer applicants is about 49.9%.

Best Colleges For LGBT Students

Consider checking out Sarah Lawrence or Warren Wilson if you're looking for an inclusive campus next year.

www.ibtimes.com

 

[GirlOfThought06]

Transfer Deadlines

Sarah Lawrence College enrolls new transfer students in both the fall and spring semesters each year.
Fall Semester Entrance
The application deadline is March 1. Applications received after March 1 will be considered on a space-available basis.
Spring Semester Entrance
The application deadline is November 1. Applications received after November 1 will be considered on a space-available basis.

See if you can get into the Spring Entrance. I would call. If not, do Fall.
The average GPA for admitted students at Sarah Lawrence College is approximately 3.8, and the average SAT score is around 1340. These figures indicate that the college is quite competitive in its admissions process. Wikipedia prepscholar.com

Average GPA and SAT Scores for Sarah Lawrence College

Average GPA

• The average GPA for admitted students at Sarah Lawrence College is 3.8 on a 4.0 scale. This indicates that most successful applicants are near the top of their high school class.

Average SAT Scores

• The average SAT score composite is 1340.
• The score breakdown is as follows:

SAT Section	Average Score	25th Percentile	75th Percentile
Reading + Writing	692	650	740
Composite	1340	1270	1440

Admissions Overview

• The acceptance rate is approximately 61.7%, indicating a moderately selective admissions process.
• While SAT scores are considered, Sarah Lawrence College has a test-optional policy, meaning students are not required to submit SAT scores for admission.

The average GPA for transfer students at Sarah Lawrence College is around 3.75, and the average SAT score for those who submit scores is approximately 1360. The acceptance rate for transfer applicants is about 49.9%.

im sure you mean well but on my soul it isn't due to my lack of getting laid it's due to the extensive trauma I received from bullying

 

[claracatchingthebus]

You probably think I'm being reductive, but I am not. Why not just take some summer classes there? ;-)

 

[GirlOfThought06]

what prevents you from going to parties/drinking with them? iirc i read travel had a financial constraint, which i can relate to- do you drive or have a friend who drives? you could go on a road trip, or camping. smaller, but you'd be able to make some nice memories. is there anything else you're wanting out of life?

I'm never invited and the fact im just strange
Plus im 19, I feel like if I drank I'd be like lower than life and a total criminal
I can't really travel much, I went to NYC with some friends but I think they all hate me now because while I tried my hardest to plan the end of the trip was a total dud and while I apologized some just haven't said anything so rip my chances on being a friend to them cries

 

[claracatchingthebus]

im sure you mean well but on my soul it isn't due to my lack of getting laid it's due to the extensive trauma I received from bullying

That trauma would matter less if you were hooking up with a hot lesbian. You think other lesbians weren't bullied? I am sure it was awful, and yes, people are terrible, and yes, that's a reason to get therapy and, if you have Complex PTSD and can't get past it, after effort, then maybe one day it may make sense to end things, but if you are a lesbian and sad, go to Sarah Lawrence prior to making any rash decisions.

Please believe me.

I'm never invited and the fact im just strange
Plus im 19, I feel like if I drank I'd be like lower than life and a total criminal
I can't really travel much, I went to NYC with some friends but I think they all hate me now because while I tried my hardest to plan the end of the trip was a total dud and while I apologized some just haven't said anything so rip my chances on being a friend to them cries

You are insecure about this trip because you aren't having sex with a cute Lesbian at Sarah Lawrence.

also there is no summer session there for college students, so ignore what i said about that.

please transfer there. if you are unhappy, what do you have to lose?

promise me you'll at least consider it

as a random stranger on the internet, you owe it to me to at least consider going

 

[GirlOfThought06]

That trauma would matter less if you were hooking up with a hot lesbian. You think other lesbians weren't bullied? I am sure it was awful, and yes, people are terrible, and yes, that's a reason to get therapy and, if you have Complex PTSD and can't get past it, after effort, then maybe one day it may make sense to end things, but if you are a lesbian and sad, go to Sarah Lawrence prior to making any rash decisions.

Please believe me.

Do you have the GPA and academics for Sarah Lawrence? I would guess you got a 1450 on your SATs or something like that, and I feel like you might be very intelligent and hard working, but I don't know. Do you have the grades and academics to go?

You are insecure about this trip because you aren't having sex with a cute Lesbian at Sarah Lawrence.

also there is no summer session there for college students, so ignore what i said about that.

please transfer there. if you are unhappy, what do you have to lose?

promise me you'll at least consider it

as a random stranger on the internet, you owe it to me to at least consider going

Pls stop lol

 

[thegreatminderaser]

I'm never invited and the fact im just strange
Plus im 19, I feel like if I drank I'd be like lower than life and a total criminal
I can't really travel much, I went to NYC with some friends but I think they all hate me now because while I tried my hardest to plan the end of the trip was a total dud and while I apologized some just haven't said anything so rip my chances on being a friend to them cries

have you ever talked to them about wanting to go? i understand hesitations on inviting yourself. lol i forgot the states(?) has different drinking laws- if you don't want to drink, that's okay. you don't have to, it's no biggie. you aren't missing much tbh. do you view your friends as lesser for drinking? even if you don't i get the feeling of guilt. you're young, you're allowed to do rebellious things, and i don't envision you being irresponsible if you were under the influence.

how long ago did that happen, & was the trip being a dud really your fault?

i'm also strange (adhdtism), the alienation can be difficult. have you considered getting okcupid/bumble/hinge and seeing who's in your community? it sounds like having an autistic homie would be beneficial to you

edit: to clarify my last point i'm not trying to suggest lesbian sex, i've made some friends through using dating apps platonically and see them as useful social tools

 

[claracatchingthebus]

ok fine, but you wanted an objective opnion, and the objective opinion is you need to transfer to somewhere with a much larger lesbian community before even considering suicide. your situation is extremely changeable to reduce your suffering. if you change to a town with more lesbians and still feel social isolation and wind up not dating anyone, then it may make sense to reconsider ctbing if you are absolutely miserable, but right now it doesn't objectively make sense.

Pls stop lol

also, do you already go to Sarah Lawrence? (because then I would feel quite stupid)

you don't have to go to sarah lawrence... but it's not really fair to your family and yourself to end it when you haven't even seen if living in a lesbian-friendly area with a high concentration of lesbians would make a difference and when you aren't in chronic pain. your pain is entirely emotional.

i am sorry about the prior bullying while growing up

i am also not trying to say your emotional pain isn't bad at times. you're on this forum, clearly you are in emotional pain. But I really believe that around more lesbians, you may have a chance to find your crew, your circle, your people and would feel better. There would still be hard things, the past would still be awful. I don't think it makes sense to ctb yet, I think you could possibly have a decent life, I don't think suicide objectively makes sense and if you were in The Netherlands applying for suicide I do not think you would get approved. Things are difficult right now but try to make them better, okay? Sorry if this more info than you wanted.

 

[like_a_bird]

I'll try and answer, but they may not be good sadly
Life kinda just feels like it blends together— I really don't remember much about my days. If you asked me what I did last Friday all I'd be able to say is what I do every Friday— class and going to religious services, nothing else because it all just is wiped from my mind I guess.
Everything hurts in a way— being alone, being around people, it all just stings just differently. I don't know how to feel about most things.
Good news generally gives me hope, I was a little okay Monday when I heard of an anime adaptation I really wanted, but otherwise I don't get much good news at all. I'd say I like spending money too but I avoid it, I don't want to become an addict
All I know my place in the world is like… not in it that's for sure. I'm an outsider and don't feel like I belong anywhere. I hate myself and it's the only message I've been told.
Bullying taught me I don't belong and there was something inherently wrong with me that made it my fault
Meanwhile my parents have taught me that I can't trust my own perception, I don't know definitive reality due to excessive gaslighting (they wanted to protect me)
I don't know much about myself— ask me to list my personality traits all I can say are the negatives, im needy and self loathing, im paranoid to the point of delusion. I dont know who i am or what i am really, i feel like some type of pathetic mimicry of what a human should be just staggering through life trying to play pretend. I Don't know, im just scared, unsure, always wondering what did I do to be treated this way, and why didn't I deserve what they had

You poor girl. I am so sorry that you have been made to feel this way.
I know it's small consolation, but I don't think you are defective, just outnumbered. Neurotypical cognition prioritizes social conformity to the expense of much else and, in the context of our now global society, arguably to the point of self destruction. If you'd like a chuckle, I've always enjoyed this mock DSM entry for neurotypical disorder: .
If anything, you are probably less susceptible to many of the cognitive biases (groupthink, confirmation, etc.) that are fueling much of the current world's dysfunction.
You sound very much like someone who has been forced to see herself through the eyes of others who wilfully misunderstand her. However, it seems you have yet managed to know some things about yourself, even if it is mostly what you are not. I wonder if it is your circumstances and not yourself that you hate? Being punished for simply being who you are? If so, circumstances are malleable to an extent and especially so if you are well resourced, which you seem to be. I won't lie and say it will be easy. But consider that you may yet find a self you very much like if she is in a place that embraces here.
My assessment is this: if you are not too worn down, and I think your asking these questions in the first place is an indication that there is still some fight in you, I think an enjoyable life is a real possibility for you. And I think your odds of creating/finding this will dramatically increase if you can start to separate yourself from the neurotypical narratives imposed on you. You recognize that you wouldn't be happy even if you could trick them into accepting you. But this doesn't mean that you can't have a happy life, just that what a happy life is is likely to look very different from what they imagine that to be.

 

[kopebaldy]

Nobody can decide that for you.

Only advice I can offer is that you're only 19, maybe trying to explore a little bit until deciding.

It could be better, it could be worse. But hey, you still have time to find out.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I kind of see everyone's situation as the same. We likely have things we want in life. Even just for life to be different than it is now. We also have things holding us back- health issues, trauma etc. Then- it really just becomes a battle between the two- as I see it. Is our need for whatever it is we want strong enough to push us beyond the fears, pain, struggle we are carrying?

Intense bullying in childhood will obviously generate a fear of people. That it might happen again. I would say though- that we tend to be more callous and stupid as children. The hope is- as we mature, people grow out of that. Hopefully pick up more empathy. We are slightly more protected as we age by companies (hopefully) frowning on bullying and discrimination in the workplace (theoretically.) Plus, hopefully you will be meeting new people in the future, not carrying your old bullies with you- physically anyway.

I can only speak personally that my childhood was very rough. I was having suicidal thoughts aged 10 due to bullying by a family member. We always carry that baggage with us- unfortunately but when we reach adulthood, we can at least make decisions to remove ourselves from (physical) danger.

My experience was: ages 10-18 were dreadful. Things improved a great deal when I left home at 18 for uni but- life itself was tough really until I'd gotten more settled in my career- that was in my 30's for me. So- I think life can definitely improve but it takes vast amounts of effort. The path isn't always that smooth too.

As to whether any of it is worth it- I think that will hinge on whether a person can still enjoy elements of life. For me, I'm not sure it's ever really been worth it! I still tried though. For me, it's more that I felt/ feel trapped here while my Dad is still alive so- all I tried to do was make the best of it.

So- that's another issue I think to condider. How feasible is suicide for each of us? It's quite a risky thing to try and do. Many people here actually feel ready to go but are still trapped here because fear of failing an attempt and, ending up worse is so high. In which case- if we are stuck here, we kind of have to try and make the best of it or else- suffer the consequences of letting life fall to pieces.

 

[android]

Try to stick it out. It will be hard but the suffering is the point. Maybe we all exist to suffer. I doubt that it's due to lack of touch.

 

[pomie]

the lack of lesbian sex is 100 percent the problem

the only way to prove it is to do an experiment: one month with no lesbian sex (control) and one month with lots of lesbian sex (experimental group)

I know you think I'm wrong, but I'm not, and once you start having lesbian sex with other lesbians you'll realize I'm right. If you are in a small town with not many lesbians, leave.

Sarah Lawrence is a great school. Transfer. Be Happy.

what the fuck are you saying man

 

[wtg]

I am not going to sugarcoat it. To be honest, yes. You are in a loving and wealthy family, i guess that's enough to make you not go crazy. But yeah, it will be hard, like super duper fucking hard. Nevertheless, you can have already have a good enough life now. I wont invalidate your feeling. Yes, getting bullied leave some scars in you. Yes, life feels hard when you dont think you even belong in this world. Yes, you have so many things holding you back. But right now, you are in good position.

It's alright you weren't dismissive :>
It just feels ruined because all around me are people who are living their dream lives— going to parties, drinking, having fun, traveling the world— it's all I see even from my friends
And then there's me
I don't get any of that
I sit in my room and cry all the time because im weird

I feel you man, i really do.