Venting Is my life worth living? In need of genuine analysis

[GirlOfThought06]

Hello, first time user I've been lurking here for a few days. I've struggled with suicidality for years and I need a true outside opinion on wether or not my life has any value or potential, or if ctb is a viable option

A little bit about me
-> F19, diagnosed with autism since age 10. Depressed, social anxiety, insomnia, adhd, suspected C-PTSD
-> Family is wealthy and loving, but used to be abusive (mom was an abusive alcoholic while I was in middle school)
-> Bullied throughout my entire school experience to the point of potentially pressing harassment charges due to the severity
-> severely traumatized due to said bullying, college makes me depressed, can't socialize, have few friends but feel less than and as if im slowing them down/holding them back. Ignored universally, seen as weird.
-> work two jobs, good student, but im overcompensating

Basically is my life worth living? I'm so scarred and traumatized by the bullying I experienced that I just can't take it anymore— but at the same time people hold me in both such high and low regard ("she's so mature, put together, etc")
I feel like nobody will truly understand me, those who hurt me will get no retribution, I was neglected for most of my life by my peers who mocked me and stripped me of the things I love. Is there a point to keep going if I'll be living my life in fear? Has my life been ruined?
Please consider the pros and cons I want an honest answer

 

[PI3.14]

I'll never ask strangers to determine whether my life is worth living or not, it's a very personal thing that one should determine themselves.

With that being said, I'll say that you need to list the issues that are causing you to be suicidal and check if they're fixable or not.

Despite the issues you are dealing with, you seem to still be able to be productive and do well for yourself. That's a good sign, cus it means you will even be much better if you can attend to your mental health, which I would recommend if you're not doing this already.

If you ask me personally, 19 is too young, you will have a better picture in the years to come.

 

[asa]

If it makes you feel any better, I know someone with the same diagnoses as yours and they're sm better in life than when I initially met them. There's always hope :)
I am really sorry you're going through this, bullies are the worst. You're already a good student and making the most out of your life despite struggling with depression and autism, give yourself some credit. I hope you find good people in college so you're able to overcome your fears, but please remember that your worth isn't defined by how people treat you at all!!

 

[GirlOfThought06]

I'll never ask strangers to determine whether my life is worth living or not, it's a very personal thing that one should determine themselves.

With that being said, I'll say that you need to list the issues that are causing you to be suicidal and check if they're fixable or not.

Despite the issues you are dealing with, you seem to still be able to be productive and do well for yourself. That's a good sign, cus it means you will even be much better if you can attend to your mental health, which I would recommend if you're not doing this already.

If you ask me personally, 19 is too young, you will have a better picture in the years to come.

What sucks is I can't trust my own judgement. All I can do is give a shrug because I don't have my own internal voice anymore— it's just empty inside

While I am able to be "functional" it kinda stops and ends at that. I'm overcompensating because my family wants me to pursue medicine and because they're paying for it, it's kinda mandated that I don't throw the money away. I also loathe the concept of me being not useful, so that's why I forfeit my humanity to be a cog in the machine lol

 

[gothbird]

Your life isn't ruined. It's just been shaped by bad conditions. I don't mean to be that person, but nineteen years isn't enough time for anything to be final. What's happened has limited you, but it hasn't locked you.

You have resources that most people in your position don't. Money, housing, work, intelligence. Those don't cure misery, but they keep doors open. The reason you don't feel that potential is because you've spent most of your life reacting instead of choosing. You've been surviving on defence mode. It makes everything smaller.
College is miserable because it's full of people trying to prove they belong. They won't notice someone unless they want to, and most of them don't. That doesn't make you lesser. It just means you're not in a place that fits you yet. The idea that you're holding your friends back is probably wrong. What's happening is that you don't believe you deserve to exist in the same space as them, so every interaction feels like trespassing.
Retribution won't come. People rarely pay for cruelty. You'll have to live without justice. That's one of the hardest parts of staying alive. You can't balance the scales, you can only move forward and build distance between yourself and what they did.
The fear you talk about will probably stay for a long time. It loses strength, but it doesn't disappear. You learn around it. That's not a promise that things will be good, just that the constant edge dulls.

You're capable of living a life that's tolerable and maybe even worthwhile, but it will take effort and patience. You have the means to attempt that. You also have the right to decide you don't want to. Both paths are open.
From a logical standpoint, ctb is always viable. But you don't seem done thinking yet. There's another version of your life that could exist. There is. It just won't come quickly.

I am a victim of CSA and have MDD, PTSD and BPD. My life didn't feel like it really started until I was 25.

So no, your life isn't worthless. It's simply unfinished. What you do with that is your choice.

 

[Ashes of a Dreamer]

Here it is, a genuine analysis, as you asked :)

First of all, the most important value or potential about your life comes from you, so keep it in mind. Anyway, I think you need some help to understand the pros and cons of being who you are, an external point of view - otherwise, you wouldn't make this question. Therefore, below is my list based on your description:

PROS
You're young (19y)
You're functional (work and study)
You have a loving family
You probably are rich (wealthy family + 2 works)

CONS
You're autistic (this sucks)
You're mentally ill (even more)
You've been severelly bullied (broken self-esteem)

Now it's your turn to conclude whether or not your life has some value or potential. I answer that yes, despite all the traumas and inadequacy, but it depends more of your point of view.

 

[itsgone2]

While I am able to be "functional" it kinda stops and ends at that. I'm overcompensating because my family wants me to pursue medicine and because they're paying for it, it's kinda mandated that I don't throw the money away. I also loathe the concept of me being not useful, so that's why I forfeit my humanity to be a cog in the machine lol

Your family is doing a good thing though. Wanting you to have a good career path.
Although saying cog in the machine is maybe not good. I see the machine now but I'm in my 50s. At least I was blind for a while.
It's medicine though. If you can find purpose in helping people then that's your chance I think.

 

[GirlOfThought06]

Your family is doing a good thing though. Wanting you to have a good career path.
Although saying cog in the machine is maybe not good. I see the machine now but I'm in my 50s. At least I was blind for a while.
It's medicine though. If you can find purpose in helping people then that's your chance I think.

I don't even know why I truly chose this path. Well I do— money mainly.
I don't hate my field but it's not my true passion, I chose my field because it's profitable and I do want to help people with autism.
But if I had my way, I'd be an artist. I've loved to draw since I was a child, but I never pursued it.
Every time I tried to pursue something, kids would bully me for it. I didn't sing for years due to being bullied out of choir, stopped playing sports due to exclusion, stopped cosplaying after people found my online accounts
So I shielded my art and saw it as a stupid not a real job
I wouldn't get the same financial support if I became an artist, and I regret it sometimes because while im guaranteed security, it's at what cost

I don't have anyone to help me with my work, because everyone in my major sees me kinda as an issue that has to be fixed or at least I think— I've tried to make friends and go to the socials but I'm always ignored. That's just how it is and given how traumatized and socially anxious I am, it's not like they'd even like me if they spoke to me

 

[claracatchingthebus]

What sucks is I can't trust my own judgement. All I can do is give a shrug because I don't have my own internal voice anymore— it's just empty inside

While I am able to be "functional" it kinda stops and ends at that. I'm overcompensating because my family wants me to pursue medicine and because they're paying for it, it's kinda mandated that I don't throw the money away. I also loathe the concept of me being not useful, so that's why I forfeit my humanity to be a cog in the machine lol

if you did something else, would your family still support you?

is there anything you want or want to do?

oh you like drawing...

Are you able to do both?

 

[GirlOfThought06]

if you did something else, would your family still support you?

is there anything you want or want to do?

oh you like drawing...

Are you able to do both?

I don't know
I began vtubing to try and fill the void and it helps a little, but it brings its own issues. My parents were hesitant to support that
If I went into art I don't think I'd be supported. Despite being lucky and having a wealthy family, my mom came from severe poverty, so I doubt it'd go over well
I am minoring in art but im hardly doing anything, and while I try to draw on my own time I've been so depressed and busy

 

[android]

I (m23) am in a very similar boat to you. The only difference is maybe that my mother was not alcoholic but instead a sober explosive, so we used to get beaten up every day (though this is pretty typical).

On the wealthy family bit. I believe this has unique challenges that I have never been able to discuss. Sometimes I wish that I'd rather be poor because at least I would be "given" a purpose - to make money and survive. As someone who has been given so many things, I think my brain actively destroys itself while trying to look for purpose. People see being born into a wealthy family as a gift, and it certainly can be in some ways, but I feel like it can also make other aspects of life even worse. You are much higher on maslows hierarchy than other people your age and you have nothing to blame for all the problems in your life (including mental problems and autism which feel like things we did to ourselves). Do you feel the same way?

Whether your life is worth living or not is ultimately up to you. You cannot do a cost benefit analysis here. Your choice to kill yourself actually has nothing to do with practical life circumstances like wealth or loneliness or autism whatever ailment, imo. Whenever anyone kills themselves, they're making a moral stance. They're saying: My suffering is different; my suffering deserved special treatment so much so that I manipulated nature and earth to end myself, at my own whim. Is your suffering different? Why do you get to die early? It's easy to forget that death is the "default setting". Life is an active choice that we make every day. Death is the easy choice- choosing to do nothing- and life is the hard one. (Being alive does not mean choosing life, those are different things. Many people, including me, are alive but already dead, because we choose to cling to our suffering instead of actively try to enrich it with meaning.)

This type of rational thinking seems to make some people on here butthurt because they're not getting nice warm head pats telling them to kill themselves or something. I am not surprised, given that numbers indicate most suicides are impulsive. If you do choose to kill yourself, you should be sure that you have reasoned it through throughly. I secretly hope you'll stick around.

 

[claracatchingthebus]

I don't know
I began vtubing to try and fill the void and it helps a little, but it brings its own issues. My parents were hesitant to support that
If I went into art I don't think I'd be supported. Despite being lucky and having a wealthy family, my mom came from severe poverty, so I doubt it'd go over well
I am minoring in art but im hardly doing anything, and while I try to draw on my own time I've been so depressed and busy

if you are pre-med, are you able to tell your parents you want a gap year to study art abroad and if not you will consider changing your major?

are you able to lower your units per semester to have more time to draw?

many artists are poor, but some are not

 

[Eudaimonic]

No one can answer that question for you, as the whole notion of "worth living" is a subjective intra-individual construct in the first place, IMHO. If you think otherwise, then you have to draw the line at some point, which seems wholly arbitrary to me.

 

[GirlOfThought06]

I (m23) am in a very similar boat to you. The only difference is maybe that my mother was not alcoholic but instead a sober explosive, so we used to get beaten up every day (though this is pretty typical).

On the wealthy family bit. I believe this has unique challenges that I have never been able to discuss. Sometimes I wish that I'd rather be poor because at least I would be "given" a purpose - to make money and survive. As someone who has been given so many things, I think my brain actively destroys itself while trying to look for purpose. People see being born into a wealthy family as a gift, and it certainly can be in some ways, but I feel like it can also make other aspects of life even worse. You are much higher on maslows hierarchy than other people your age and you have nothing to blame for all the problems in your life (including mental problems and autism which feel like things we did to ourselves). Do you feel the same way?

Whether your life is worth living or not is ultimately up to you. You cannot do a cost benefit analysis here. I don't see the point in continuing my misery, but at the same time, I feel like I deserve to suffer. I deserve to suffer more than anyone else, suffering of the most painful kind. Beaten, tormented, isolated, torn apart into pieces like a lion's kill. Death would be too easy for me.

Your choice to kill yourself actually has nothing to do with your life circumstances, imo. Whenever anyone kills themselves, they're making a moral stance. They're saying: My suffering is different; my suffering deserved special treatment so much so that I manipulated nature and earth to end myself, at my own whim. Is your suffering different? Why do you get to die early?

This type of rational thinking seems to make some people on here butthurt because they're not getting nice warm head pats telling them to kill themselves or something. I am not surprised, given that numbers indicate most suicides are impulsive. If you do choose to kill yourself, you should be sure that you have reasoned it through throughly. I secretly hope you'll stick around.

The only thing being financially stable has gotten me is access to more specialists which im grateful for, but it doesn't fix so much of what I've gone through.

The reason I posted this was just genuinely seeking a pros and cons— I don't trust my own narrative due to extensive gaslighting from my parents (who meant well, but that's a whole other can of worms) so I can't reliably assess wether my suffering is all I will ever have. I am just met with doubt and ruination like some quagmire of delusion I suppose

I always wish things will get better, but whenever I feel myself getting better it feels wrong— like I don't belong or deserve to be there; which is then followed by another collapse. That and the never ending cycle of self sabotaging trauma and social anxiety gave me. If not that, then I ruminate about my past— what was wrong with me that made me not deserve what everyone else around me had? There were so many times where everyone else around me was having fun, and I was the only one crying— I have so many stories from as young as 9 where I was failed dozens of times over

if you are pre-med, are you able to tell your parents you want a gap year to study art abroad and if not you will consider changing your major?

are you able to lower your units per semester to have more time to draw?

many artists are poor, but some are not

I could but even though my parents are wealthy they would 100% say no to that
Despite our wealth, it's seldom used, mainly used for the future (college, moving, stocks, etc) so if I wanted to go on a trip im not given many funds and im expected to front the costs— so if I wanted to do that I'd have to save up for a year or so

 

[always_a_crossroads]

I agree with what's been said by others - ultimately, only you can decide if your life is worth living.

I'm sorry you're struggling so much. Being autistic in an allistic world can be hell, especially when you're bullied. (I'm autistic too, and was also bullied through school, though not as severely as you.)
I do think things can get better. Your situation sounds painful and stressful, but not hopeless. I respect whatever choice you make, but I hope you hang on and keep trying.

Maybe I'm projecting, but it sounds to me like you're spending a lot of energy on masking, fitting in, meeting people's expectations, meeting society's expectations. It makes sense that you do that - it was your way to survive. You had to pay so much attention to what others want from you, that you never learned to listen to what you want.
Now that you're an adult, I wonder if those protective mechanisms are doing more harm than good.
It's possible to unlearn them - it takes time and effort, and it's scary to listen to yourself when you don't even know who you are, but it is doable.

It sounds like you're committed to so many obligations right now. Work, school, expectations about high grades and a high-pressure career, not to mention "functioning in a world that doesn't 'get' autism" (that's exhausting enough on its own).
If I could give you one piece of advice, it would be: try to get some breathing room from these external pressures. Maybe cut back on your work hours, or take a smaller courseload for a semester, or talk to your parents about putting off plans for medical school, or whatever is doable for you and feels like a safe-enough first step. And use that time to explore who you actually are. Maybe that means trying therapy (if you haven't already). Maybe that means finding a local Autistic community and seeing if you feel more comfortable with people there. Maybe that means trying different activities, and seeing if any of them make something inside you go "yes, more of this". Maybe it means catching up on sleep, because you can't do all the other things if you're exhausted. Whatever feels right to you.

Sorry for the long post and unsolicited advice. I hope I haven't overstepped, please feel free to ignore any of it.
I guess mostly I'm just trying to say, I feel for you, and I think your life is worth the effort.

 

[itsgone2]

I don't even know why I truly chose this path. Well I do— money mainly.
I don't hate my field but it's not my true passion, I chose my field because it's profitable and I do want to help people with autism.
But if I had my way, I'd be an artist. I've loved to draw since I was a child, but I never pursued it.

Suggestion, but stay on the money path. You can always pursue art as your hobby.
I know this doesn't sound ideal but in looking back on life, i wish i had secured money more, and let the hobbies occupy a smaller space. Smaller but meaningful.
I think a problem is society pushed messages of follow your dreams, and everyone is special, too much.
I know how this all sounds. I've done well with jobs in life but my career is at risk now. It's scary. Secure a career first. Passion later.

 

[claracatchingthebus]

The only thing being financially stable has gotten me is access to more specialists which im grateful for, but it doesn't fix so much of what I've gone through.

The reason I posted this was just genuinely seeking a pros and cons— I don't trust my own narrative due to extensive gaslighting from my parents (who meant well, but that's a whole other can of worms) so I can't reliably assess wether my suffering is all I will ever have. I am just met with doubt and ruination like some quagmire of delusion I suppose

I always wish things will get better, but whenever I feel myself getting better it feels wrong— like I don't belong or deserve to be there; which is then followed by another collapse. That and the never ending cycle of self sabotaging trauma and social anxiety gave me. If not that, then I ruminate about my past— what was wrong with me that made me not deserve what everyone else around me had? There were so many times where everyone else around me was having fun, and I was the only one crying— I have so many stories from as young as 9 where I was failed dozens of times over

I could but even though my parents are wealthy they would 100% say no to that
Despite our wealth, it's seldom used, mainly used for the future (college, moving, stocks, etc) so if I wanted to go on a trip im not given many funds and im expected to front the costs— so if I wanted to do that I'd have to save up for a year or so

To give you an objective opinion, I'd need to know more:

1) Are you in chronic physical pain?

2) Are you romantically lonely?

3) If you are romantically lonely, are you repeatedly rejected based on your looks and your looks are not changeable by plastic surgery?

4) Are you lonely in terms of a lack of friends? (you already sort of answered this, and I think your answer was that you have friends but don't feel that welcomed by them or connected to them and feel like you aren't helping them)

5) If you are lonely due to a lack of friends, are there ways you could make friends or do people repeatedly reject you as a result of social skills?

6) If repeatedly rejected because of social skills, do you have the ability to learn them?

7) How much emotional pain is caused by studying?

8) How much emotional pain is caused by not drawing?

9) Are you in severe emotional pain and if so, why?

10) If you have severe emotional or physical pain, have you tried to get better and did it help?

11) Do you enjoy anything in life?

12) Do you experience pleasure in a typical month?

13) Does the impact of a potential death of yourself on others (ie extreme emotional pain for loved ones) matter to you?

14) Does the amount of pleasure you experience outweigh the pain?

15) Do you find society meaningful and participating in it meaningful?

16) Do you find society corrupt and participating in it corrupt?

17) Any sources of pain not listed in other responses?


although suicide is a subjective choice, i have the unusual opinion that there can be semi-objective criteria of suffering and it's partly why I think euthanasia should be legal and there should be a process, so people can do it without pain or condemnation, but only if it makes sense.

I don't think my opinion is the only opinion, but I can't really know your situation without more information about what is going on. I think people could provide an objective opinion, but would need more info.

 

[android]

I always wish things will get better, but whenever I feel myself getting better it feels wrong— like I don't belong or deserve to be there; which is then followed by another collapse

It doesn't sound like it ever gets better then. It just sounds like a holding cell. I feel the same way but at this point I don't want to get better. I feel like I deserve eternal suffering.

The reason I posted this was just genuinely seeking a pros and cons— I don't trust my own narrative

Then there are only pros and no cons. The thing that makes the suicide decision so hard is that suffering is completely subjective.

Suggestion, but stay on the money path. You can always pursue art as your hobby.
I know this doesn't sound ideal but in looking back on life, i wish i had secured money more, and let the hobbies occupy a smaller space. Smaller but meaningful.
I think a problem is society pushed messages of follow your dreams, and everyone is special, too much.
I know how this all sounds. I've done well with jobs in life but my career is at risk now. It's scary. Secure a career first. Passion later.

Interesting, but given they're rich, they may not have to worry about that. I can't think of any ways that more money could help me. I can think of ways that having less could physically hurt. I would rather be in physical pain, hungry even, than be in whatever this hell is though.

 

[GirlOfThought06]

To give you an objective opinion, I'd need to know more:

1) Are you in chronic physical pain?

2) Are you romantically lonely?

3) If you are romantically lonely, are you repeatedly rejected based on your looks and your looks are not changeable by plastic surgery?

4) Are you lonely in terms of a lack of friends?

5) If you are lonely due to a lack of friends, are there ways you could make friends or do people repeatedly reject you as a result of social skills?

6) If repeatedly rejected because of social skills, do you have the ability to learn them?

7) How much emotional pain is caused by studying?

8) How much emotional pain is caused by not drawing?

9) Are you in severe emotional pain and if so, why?

10) If you have severe emotional or physical pain, have you tried to get better and did it help?

11) Do you enjoy anything in life?

12) Do you experience pleasure in a typical month?

13) Does the impact of a potential death of yourself on others (ie extreme emotional pain for loved ones) matter to you?

14) Does the amount of pleasure you experience outweigh the pain?

15) Do you find society meaningful and participating in it meaningful?

16) Do you find society corrupt and participating in it corrupt?

17) Any sources of pain not listed in other responses?

1) luckily not, im grateful for this
2) yes, never had a romantic partner (lesbian in a small town… never again!)
3) i don't get rejected, it's just nobody's ever been interested in me and when im interested in someone else im too terrified
4) kind of. I don't have many friends but i have friends, but i still feel less than them and like im a horrible burden not worth investing in— like i only bring sadness or hold them back socially by having to deal with me following them
5) kinda both. I will try to make friends but then completely close off, but people aren't into being friends with me either. It's a self destructive loop where I think everyone hates me, so it's safer to hide
6) I don't even know anymore. I'm just so scared. I can talk to people much older than me fine, and I can do presentations fine— but talking to people I get so scared
7) depends. Sometimes I livestream my studying and talk to my chatroom, I teach them what im learning and it helps. But when im alone it can destroy me
8) it just makes me feel numb, art brings me pleasure and pain because I have imposter syndrome but keep drawing
9) yes. Constant self gaslighting, derealization, anxiety, mourning over what I didn't get socially in the past and present, self hatred, self destruction
10) ive tried. While im more stable than I was in middle school, I am still incredibly suicidal and destructive, im just good at hiding and neutering those thoughts because going to the psych ward would ruin my life
11) I don't know. There's stuff I like but there's always, like, a "but" to them. I like dressing in jiraikei fashion, but some people random treat me meanly because of it. I liked cosplay, but because people found my account I swore I'd never do it again
12) kinda, but if I'm happy i get haunted by it in the future, questions of if i deserved it or what i was even doing
13) it fluctuates. I can't give a definitive answer. One week the thought of my parents finding my body destroys me, the next i don't care
14) both are so extreme and I don't have a real perception of how I've felt "overall" due to gaslighting from parents- makes me question all my experiences
15) I don't know. I wish to participate but every time I've tried I feel like a freaky alien or out of place or alone and so I go turn reclusive again
16) society is flawed, that's all I can say
17) mainly just my childhood. I can't do so many things because it will make me freeze and break down
I want to go on school trips and go to clubs but the one time I tried I sat there because nobody wanted to do crafts with me, and school trips are very traumatic for me

It doesn't sound like it ever gets better then. It just sounds like a holding cell. I feel the same way but at this point I don't want to get better. I feel like I deserve eternal suffering.


Then there are only pros and no cons. The thing that makes the suicide decision so hard is that suffering is completely subjective.

Interesting, but given they're rich, they may not have to worry about that. I can't think of any ways that more money could help me. I can think of ways that having less could physically hurt. I would rather be in physical pain, hungry even, than be in whatever this hell is though.

Heavy on the eternal suffering. When I was little that was how I felt, that I didn't deserve to die, I was something so monstrous and evil that I deserved it all. That there was something wrong with me which is why I was treated like dirt

 

[thegreatminderaser]

Hello, first time user I've been lurking here for a few days. I've struggled with suicidality for years and I need a true outside opinion on wether or not my life has any value or potential, or if ctb is a viable option

A little bit about me
-> F19, diagnosed with autism since age 10. Depressed, social anxiety, insomnia, adhd, suspected C-PTSD
-> Family is wealthy and loving, but used to be abusive (mom was an abusive alcoholic while I was in middle school)
-> Bullied throughout my entire school experience to the point of potentially pressing harassment charges due to the severity
-> severely traumatized due to said bullying, college makes me depressed, can't socialize, have few friends but feel less than and as if im slowing them down/holding them back. Ignored universally, seen as weird.
-> work two jobs, good student, but im overcompensating

Basically is my life worth living? I'm so scarred and traumatized by the bullying I experienced that I just can't take it anymore— but at the same time people hold me in both such high and low regard ("she's so mature, put together, etc")
I feel like nobody will truly understand me, those who hurt me will get no retribution, I was neglected for most of my life by my peers who mocked me and stripped me of the things I love. Is there a point to keep going if I'll be living my life in fear? Has my life been ruined?
Please consider the pros and cons I want an honest answer

i can't engage entirely in the way you want (ctb is your choice and yours alone, and i'm not in any position to make any calls regarding your life) but i'll give you my passing thoughts:

i was also bullied in school (nowhere near to your extent, sorry that happened), have loving parents that were abusive at one point, so i can somewhat understand how that can shape you. you're quite young, i think you need to give yourself a little more time- you have time to turn things around even though you carry that trauma and pain. you seem very self aware, i don't know everything you deal with but i have faith in your ability to figure out a way to socialize and make connections (i also struggle with this). it is your decision what you want to do, but i believe in you & hope you're able to carve out a happier life.

 

[claracatchingthebus]

1) luckily not, im grateful for this
2) yes, never had a romantic partner (lesbian in a small town… never again!)
3) i don't get rejected, it's just nobody's ever been interested in me and when im interested in someone else im too terrified
4) kind of. I don't have many friends but i have friends, but i still feel less than them and like im a horrible burden not worth investing in— like i only bring sadness or hold them back socially by having to deal with me following them
5) kinda both. I will try to make friends but then completely close off, but people aren't into being friends with me either. It's a self destructive loop where I think everyone hates me, so it's safer to hide
6) I don't even know anymore. I'm just so scared. I can talk to people much older than me fine, and I can do presentations fine— but talking to people I get so scared
7) depends. Sometimes I livestream my studying and talk to my chatroom, I teach them what im learning and it helps. But when im alone it can destroy me
8) it just makes me feel numb, art brings me pleasure and pain because I have imposter syndrome but keep drawing
9) yes. Constant self gaslighting, derealization, anxiety, mourning over what I didn't get socially in the past and present, self hatred, self destruction
10) ive tried. While im more stable than I was in middle school, I am still incredibly suicidal and destructive, im just good at hiding and neutering those thoughts because going to the psych ward would ruin my life
11) I don't know. There's stuff I like but there's always, like, a "but" to them. I like dressing in jiraikei fashion, but some people random treat me meanly because of it. I liked cosplay, but because people found my account I swore I'd never do it again
12) kinda, but if I'm happy i get haunted by it in the future, questions of if i deserved it or what i was even doing
13) it fluctuates. I can't give a definitive answer. One week the thought of my parents finding my body destroys me, the next i don't care
14) both are so extreme and I don't have a real perception of how I've felt "overall" due to gaslighting from parents- makes me question all my experiences
15) I don't know. I wish to participate but every time I've tried I feel like a freaky alien or out of place or alone and so I go turn reclusive again
16) society is flawed, that's all I can say
17) mainly just my childhood. I can't do so many things because it will make me freeze and break down
I want to go on school trips and go to clubs but the one time I tried I sat there because nobody wanted to do crafts with me, and school trips are very traumatic for me

Heavy on the eternal suffering. When I was little that was how I felt, that I didn't deserve to die, I was something so monstrous and evil that I deserved it all. That there was something wrong with me which is why I was treated like dirt

i don't think it objectively makes sense to commit suicide. My reason is that because you are a lesbian in a small town and aren't in an area with enough lesbians it is causing loneliness and that can be changed.. If you transfer schools or move to an area with many more lesbians, your happiness may likely improve a lot. Additionally, all the other random psychological issues you can get a therapist for and the main problem is you aren't having enough lesbian sex. That can be changed. Unless other lesbians find you unattractive and there is nothing that can change that, in which case it could be a different scenario, but as it stands your situation is clearly a problem caused by lack of sufficient lesbian sex due to being in a small town and you can change that. So no, it does not make objective sense to commit suicide.

also social skills are something you can better at (and sometimes worse at) over time. it's sort of like a muscle, unless you are naturally super extroverted and social. being in a small town and not having lesbian sex will make it harder to be extroverted and fun and meet new people. solution, transfer.

the only exception is if you literally go to princeton or yale and are saying it's a small town and it's not, in which case you just need to find a way to meet more lesbians and use the apps to meet them

 

[GirlOfThought06]

I agree with what's been said by others - ultimately, only you can decide if your life is worth living.

I'm sorry you're struggling so much. Being autistic in an allistic world can be hell, especially when you're bullied. (I'm autistic too, and was also bullied through school, though not as severely as you.)
I do think things can get better. Your situation sounds painful and stressful, but not hopeless. I respect whatever choice you make, but I hope you hang on and keep trying.

Maybe I'm projecting, but it sounds to me like you're spending a lot of energy on masking, fitting in, meeting people's expectations, meeting society's expectations. It makes sense that you do that - it was your way to survive. You had to pay so much attention to what others want from you, that you never learned to listen to what you want.
Now that you're an adult, I wonder if those protective mechanisms are doing more harm than good.
It's possible to unlearn them - it takes time and effort, and it's scary to listen to yourself when you don't even know who you are, but it is doable.

It sounds like you're committed to so many obligations right now. Work, school, expectations about high grades and a high-pressure career, not to mention "functioning in a world that doesn't 'get' autism" (that's exhausting enough on its own).
If I could give you one piece of advice, it would be: try to get some breathing room from these external pressures. Maybe cut back on your work hours, or take a smaller courseload for a semester, or talk to your parents about putting off plans for medical school, or whatever is doable for you and feels like a safe-enough first step. And use that time to explore who you actually are. Maybe that means trying therapy (if you haven't already). Maybe that means finding a local Autistic community and seeing if you feel more comfortable with people there. Maybe that means trying different activities, and seeing if any of them make something inside you go "yes, more of this". Maybe it means catching up on sleep, because you can't do all the other things if you're exhausted. Whatever feels right to you.

Sorry for the long post and unsolicited advice. I hope I haven't overstepped, please feel free to ignore any of it.
I guess mostly I'm just trying to say, I feel for you, and I think your life is worth the effort.

It's fine don't sweat it.
The big reason why I commit to all of these things is because I am socially useless. Quite literally dead weight, and to compensate I go all in on the "logical" side of society— work, responsibility, education. You can be a good employee with horrid social skills, it's a way to survive
I don't know what I want. All I know is I want it all to stop and for everyone who's hurt me to know how horribly they ruined my life— it got to the point where I couldn't attend graduation because I had vivid urges to blow my head off with a shotgun when I received my diploma in front of everybody— to show them what they made me in to

i can't engage entirely in the way you want (ctb is your choice and yours alone, and i'm not in any position to make any calls regarding your life) but i'll give you my passing thoughts:

i was also bullied in school (nowhere near to your extent, sorry that happened), have loving parents that were abusive at one point, so i can somewhat understand how that can shape you. you're quite young, i think you need to give yourself a little more time- you have time to turn things around even though you carry that trauma and pain. you seem very self aware, i don't know everything you deal with but i have faith in your ability to figure out a way to socialize and make connections (i also struggle with this). it is your decision what you want to do, but i believe in you & hope you're able to carve out a happier life.

I guess I understand the sentiment of me being too young— but god it feels like it's been decades. I've been suicidal since I was 8, so it's been the majority of my life where I've just wanted to be in the ground

 

[claracatchingthebus]

It's fine don't sweat it.
The big reason why I commit to all of these things is because I am socially useless. Quite literally dead weight, and to compensate I go all in on the "logical" side of society— work, responsibility, education. You can be a good employee with horrid social skills, it's a way to survive
I don't know what I want. All I know is I want it all to stop and for everyone who's hurt me to know how horribly they ruined my life— it got to the point where I couldn't attend graduation because I had vivid urges to blow my head off with a shotgun when I received my diploma in front of everybody— to show them what they made me in to

I guess I understand the sentiment of me being too young— but god it feels like it's been decades. I've been suicidal since I was 8, so it's been the majority of my life where I've just wanted to be in the ground

having sex, and lesbian sex if you're a lesbian, is a human need and if you aren't having fun with lesbian sex, you'll seem less fun and people will feel that vibe

once you start having more lesbian sex, you'll do fine with socializing, it will be easier


this is the actual problem and it's easily changable: use the lesbian apps, find a lesbian, have sex

if no one wants to meet you on the apps, you have a different problem, which is no one is into you based on looks and if that's what's going on, you have to try to find a way to make yourself more appealing (ie exercise, plastic surgery, better photos) to have lesbian sex. If still no one will have lesbian sex with you, and there's no way to change it, then yes, that's a big problem, but I don't think you are there yet.

 

[GirlOfThought06]

having sex, and lesbian sex if you're a lesbian, is a human need and if you aren't having fun with lesbian sex, you'll seem less fun and people will feel that vibe

once you start having more lesbian sex, you'll do fine with socializing, it will be easier

I don't feel like it's that easy
Obviously I want a partner, I would enjoy being with someone or even a one night stand, but that isn't a major thing— even then I've considered no romance until im out of school or more stable because I would be a very mentally ill girlfriend lol

 

[claracatchingthebus]

I don't feel like it's that easy
Obviously I want a partner, I would enjoy being with someone or even a one night stand, but that isn't a major thing— even then I've considered no romance until im out of school or more stable because I would be a very mentally ill girlfriend lol

the lack of lesbian sex is 100 percent the problem

the only way to prove it is to do an experiment: one month with no lesbian sex (control) and one month with lots of lesbian sex (experimental group)

I know you think I'm wrong, but I'm not, and once you start having lesbian sex with other lesbians you'll realize I'm right. If you are in a small town with not many lesbians, leave.

Sarah Lawrence is a great school. Transfer. Be Happy.

 

[thegreatminderaser]

It's fine don't sweat it.
The big reason why I commit to all of these things is because I am socially useless. Quite literally dead weight, and to compensate I go all in on the "logical" side of society— work, responsibility, education. You can be a good employee with horrid social skills, it's a way to survive
I don't know what I want. All I know is I want it all to stop and for everyone who's hurt me to know how horribly they ruined my life— it got to the point where I couldn't attend graduation because I had vivid urges to blow my head off with a shotgun when I received my diploma in front of everybody— to show them what they made me in to

I guess I understand the sentiment of me being too young— but god it feels like it's been decades. I've been suicidal since I was 8, so it's been the majority of my life where I've just wanted to be in the ground

i understand- sorry if i came across as dismissive, your pain is very real, i just have the opinion that it's a bit early to call if your life is ruined. when to make that call is up to you ultimately. i think the first time i wanted to die i was maybe 10, i'm 27 now, the wait is difficult- to see if things get better. i think it's worth waiting, to see if anything cool will happen- and if you get tired of waiting, thats okay too. i just feel like you need a bit more time to see where things go, but if you can't, i only hope that you reach some peace. it sounds like you have a handle on some things (good grades, holding two jobs) which makes me believe you're more capable than you give yourself credit for, but you know yourself more than i do

 

[like_a_bird]

Also autistic and female so I am going to respond in the way I would want to be responded to:

What does life feel like day to day for you? What do you enjoy? What hurts? Can you think of particular things that would give you hope or more enjoyment if they were to happen? Can you name them for me?

What have you learned about the world and your place in it in your 19 years? What did the bullying communicate to you? What did your relationship with your parents communicate to you?

This is most crucial: what have you learned about yourself? I imagine there has been enormous pressure to perceive yourself through the eyes of (predominantly neurotypical) others - and I think I can sense that in the way you chose describe yourself in terms of competencies and assigned pathologies. Who are you on the interior?

You are very young and there is a kind of inherent hope in that. But I also don't want to diminish what I think you have experienced by this point. It is a very difficult thing to be neurodivergent in a world that is increasingly hostile to neurodivergence, especially female neurodivergence. This doesn't mean that it is hopeless. But I think a lot of unnecessary confusion and distress can stem from failing to acknowledge that reality.

You'll probably best be able to make this judgement for yourself once you allow yourself to fully inhabit your own perspective.

 

[claracatchingthebus]

Transfer Applicants

www.sarahlawrence.edu

this is not sarcasm. you are rich and a lesbian. find a way to go to sarah lawrence, and if you are already there, use an app and have lesbian sex

so the answer is a definite NO to is it objective for you to end your life or want to

The Trouble at Sarah Lawrence: Where are all the straight people? — The Phoenix

Sarah Lawrence has always been a place of sanctuary for the progressive, the avant garde, the out and out weirdos. Lesbian culture has found its home at Sarah Lawrence, dare I say since the college was founded. So what to do about all these straight people?

web.archive.org

I am not joking and sorry to be very direct. Sarah Lawrence is filled with lesbians, read this article to understand the issue.

I am not trying to trivialize how you are feeling or be insensitive but not having sex as a teenage lesbian is going to make any lesbian depressed. THAT is the biggest issue, and you are finding all these other things to be depressed about, but sex plays a large role in how people feel and you're looking at all these other emotions and feelings that are negative... but you wouldn't be thinking of those things if you with a hot cool lesbian at Sarah Lawrence.

I am completely serious. You have rich parents? Transfer, meet a cool girlfriends, be happy

 

[GirlOfThought06]

i understand- sorry if i came across as dismissive, your pain is very real, i just have the opinion that it's a bit early to call if your life is ruined. when to make that call is up to you ultimately. i think the first time i wanted to die i was maybe 10, i'm 27 now, the wait is difficult- to see if things get better. i think it's worth waiting, to see if anything cool will happen- and if you get tired of waiting, thats okay too. i just feel like you need a bit more time to see where things go, but if you can't, i only hope that you reach some peace. it sounds like you have a handle on some things (good grades, holding two jobs) which makes me believe you're more capable than you give yourself credit for, but you know yourself more than i do

It's alright you weren't dismissive :>
It just feels ruined because all around me are people who are living their dream lives— going to parties, drinking, having fun, traveling the world— it's all I see even from my friends
And then there's me
I don't get any of that
I sit in my room and cry all the time because im weird

 

[claracatchingthebus]

It's alright you weren't dismissive :>
It just feels ruined because all around me are people who are living their dream lives— going to parties, drinking, having fun, traveling the world— it's all I see even from my friends
And then there's me
I don't get any of that
I sit in my room and cry all the time because im weird

You aren't weird. You're a normal (but autistic) Sarah Lawrence lesbian who made the mistake of going to the wrong school.