My 35th birthday will be in a few weeks. I've already made an attempt before with alcohol and pills in 2014, and have read up more since then, enough to be able to pull it off with something close to confidence in success. Since my attempt, I've lost a massive amount of weight and started my own business to help others do the same.
However, even with my life's purpose having become to help people, I've never felt more alone in my entire life. I've been in relationships, but they always fall apart. I have feelings for my best friend, but I believe she knows as she's barely spoken to me in a month, and I believe it's because my having feelings makes her uncomfortable. Another friend just had the 1 year anniversary of her brother's suicide, and she made me promise then that I never would try again. I wake up and go to bed every night in an empty apartment, just me and my dog. But my dog is 13 and, frankly, closer to the end of his life than the middle.
I have people tell me every day that they're grateful to have me in their lives, but sometimes I think I forgot to turn Do Not Disturb off on my phone, only to find it's been off all day and I just haven't had anyone try to reach out to me. I just feel incredibly isolated, and I truly don't think I have another 35 years of willpower in me.
Is it ever supposed to get better?
However, even with my life's purpose having become to help people, I've never felt more alone in my entire life. I've been in relationships, but they always fall apart. I have feelings for my best friend, but I believe she knows as she's barely spoken to me in a month, and I believe it's because my having feelings makes her uncomfortable. Another friend just had the 1 year anniversary of her brother's suicide, and she made me promise then that I never would try again. I wake up and go to bed every night in an empty apartment, just me and my dog. But my dog is 13 and, frankly, closer to the end of his life than the middle.
I have people tell me every day that they're grateful to have me in their lives, but sometimes I think I forgot to turn Do Not Disturb off on my phone, only to find it's been off all day and I just haven't had anyone try to reach out to me. I just feel incredibly isolated, and I truly don't think I have another 35 years of willpower in me.
Is it ever supposed to get better?
