Is it really this difficult or am I just weak?

[raskol1980]

I've been searching for a CTB method for so long now. I had always thought I would hang myself but then found PPH and discovered that there were "peaceful" ways to go. This sounded amazing to me!

However, it seems that these options are nigh-on impossible unless you can afford to fly to South America to get N. Or you have the wherewithal to manipulate your doctor into giving to the right drugs to make SN effective - let alone finding SN anywhere right now. Helium is not sold in its pure form where I am to the average person so exit bag is out, even if I could figure out the mechanism.

I came across the detergent method and thought all my prayers had been answered. I had a plan involving a remote carpark and meters of police tape to cordon off the area around the car, with plenty of specific warning signs. It all seemed so simple, mix two things I can buy today in a bucket. It took a fair amount (for me) of research to figure out what items to buy. But once I found that out I did some more research on the practicalities and find out that this can cause a very painful death if done wrong! Since I don't know how to do anything right I'm pretty much f****d!

All this results in the realisation that I'm not going to be able to to it and having to figure a way back into the world that I so want to leave. If I really wanted to do this I would just do it, right?! I truly believe that if I had a "pill" that I could take and go to sleep I would take it right now. I should stop being such a coward and accept that whatever I do it's going to hurt.

 

[Fadeawaaaay]

There's nothing cowardly about fearing death… Every fiber of our being is wired to survive

 

[houseofleaves]

However, it seems that these options are nigh-on impossible unless you can afford to fly to South America to get N. Or you have the wherewithal to manipulate your doctor into giving to the right drugs to make SN effective - let alone finding SN anywhere right now.

which country are you in?

 

[raskol1980]

There's nothing cowardly about fearing death… Every fiber of our being is wired to survive

I totally agree. Yet, it's not death I fear but dying. Coupled with the overwhelming guilt of how it will affect those I leave behind.

which country are you in?

I live in Scotland

 

[Hope:-)]

I fear the pain, but the more desperate I feel about everything, the more I'm ok with it. If you can find a way back into the world that's great. That's not what's right for me, but it's great if you can.x

 

[blackwidow]

yes it Really is this difficult... or this forum wouldn't be here.. survival instinct.. those you leave behind.. the total finality of it.. if it goes wrong what state you could end up in.. the are so many reasons why its immensely difficult

 

[FuneralCry]

Suicide really is so difficult, you don't sound weak at all. We live in a world that makes it as hard for us to die as possible. I would also already be gone if there was an easy, peaceful exit available, the reason as to why I still exist is because I have limited access to methods and I fear methods failing.
It really is unfair how it's this hard to leave this life behind, we have already suffered enough. We all deserve the option to exit peacefully, none of us should ever have to resort to risky methods or do complicated internet suicide research. I always envy those who are gone from this world, they are lucky as they cannot suffer anymore.

 

[raskol1980]

I fear the pain, but the more desperate I feel about everything, the more I'm ok with it. If you can find a way back into the world that's great. That's not what's right for me, but it's great if you can.x

Thank you. I know I don't have a place in the world, never really did. Just stuck in this in-between place where the people around me are getting more and more annoyed that I don't just "pull myself together". All I do is f******g moan!

I really hope you find the peace you need, whatever that is x

Suicide really is so difficult, you don't sound weak at all. We live in a world that makes it as hard for us to die as possible. I would also already be gone if there was an easy, peaceful exit available, the reason as to why I still exist is because I have limited access to methods and I fear methods failing.
It really is unfair how it's this hard to leave this life behind, we have already suffered enough. We all deserve the option to exit peacefully, none of us should ever have to resort to risky methods or do complicated internet suicide research. I always envy those who are gone from this world, they are lucky as they cannot suffer anymore.

(I really wish the hug emoji wasn't smiling... I'm not happy about your pain)

Thank you for your words. I agree and feel the same. It's clear to anyone who has tried that the psychological boundaries to suicide are huge. It's not a decision that I personally have come to on a whim. I don't know. It's a difficult one. I hate the idea of someone CTB when they can be helped and making it easy for that person is wrong, is it not? I think we're stuck in a mentality (legislative wise) that the worst case scenario, no matter how small, dictates how the majority should live or (in our cases) chose to die.