reuenthal
New Member
- Jun 28, 2025
- 4
Despite knowing what I should do, I can't do it. I've heard from people on this site and experienced myself SI and the frustration that comes with it.
A few minutes ago I was ready to pull the trigger (metaphorically). I planned on hanging from a door with a leather belt, but I just stood there, looking at myself, thinking about how I was so close to freeing myself. Rationally, it was the best decision. Both in the sense that death is the inevitable conclusion to life, but also when it comes to balancing negative and positive experiences. I'd also add that life itself is a problem and needs to be solved.
2026 will be a very different year for me. I don't feel prepared to deal with it - nor do I consider myself capable of doing so. Those aren't very big changes, most people go through them, but still. If had the courage to kms I wouldn't even have to experience it. Even if it ends up being an overall good experience, I'd rather not experience it. Simply being alive is bad. It is not that I want to stop saddness or overcome depression (which I probably don't have), I just want it to end, it's a waste of time. Good and bad things are bad simply because they are experiences and experiences are only possible when alive.
It is also kind of embarrassing to fail and come here to write about, but I guess it's one of the few place to do so. It was probably my closest attemp yet and I still endend up giving in to my self preservation. I could feel my body's fear, but I myself knew what should have been done, I'm not my body but still ended up following its (and my mind's) orders. It is almost as if they are conspiring against my will in spite of its rationallity.
In situations like this, I'm reminded of Adam Lanza and "his antinatalism", I wonder if he did what he did to put himself into a point of no return, so that he would find himself cornered and finally end it all. I don't think I should go out of my way to hurt people, but it might be one of the easiest ways to defeat SI and get it over with.
A few minutes ago I was ready to pull the trigger (metaphorically). I planned on hanging from a door with a leather belt, but I just stood there, looking at myself, thinking about how I was so close to freeing myself. Rationally, it was the best decision. Both in the sense that death is the inevitable conclusion to life, but also when it comes to balancing negative and positive experiences. I'd also add that life itself is a problem and needs to be solved.
2026 will be a very different year for me. I don't feel prepared to deal with it - nor do I consider myself capable of doing so. Those aren't very big changes, most people go through them, but still. If had the courage to kms I wouldn't even have to experience it. Even if it ends up being an overall good experience, I'd rather not experience it. Simply being alive is bad. It is not that I want to stop saddness or overcome depression (which I probably don't have), I just want it to end, it's a waste of time. Good and bad things are bad simply because they are experiences and experiences are only possible when alive.
It is also kind of embarrassing to fail and come here to write about, but I guess it's one of the few place to do so. It was probably my closest attemp yet and I still endend up giving in to my self preservation. I could feel my body's fear, but I myself knew what should have been done, I'm not my body but still ended up following its (and my mind's) orders. It is almost as if they are conspiring against my will in spite of its rationallity.
In situations like this, I'm reminded of Adam Lanza and "his antinatalism", I wonder if he did what he did to put himself into a point of no return, so that he would find himself cornered and finally end it all. I don't think I should go out of my way to hurt people, but it might be one of the easiest ways to defeat SI and get it over with.
