I wish to, in fact to never suffer in this existence ever again is all I personally hope for, I'd always prefer to not exist no matter what than be burdened with this futile, torturous existence that always felt like a terrible tragic mistake in the first place, I personally see human existence as an abomination that just causes so much suffering all for the sake of it and problems there was never a need for at all. If I cease existing then this existence is no longer my problem and I'm incapable of suffering in any way which is why to cease existing is all I hope for, I just have no interest in suffering in this existence as well and I find existing to be deeply undesirable in every way.
I'd always prefer to painlessly cease existing than suffer so unnecessarily in this futile existence I never would have chosen where there is no limit as to how much one can be tortured just to die in agony from old age, it's so horrific to me how a human can suffer for so long, I wish I was never forced into this existence at all. I see so much cruelty in how painless death is denied for me with no acceptance towards preferring non-existence where all is gone and forgotten about over being enslaved in this existence I always saw as just causing nothing but suffering in the first place, I suffer so much from how I cannot just have the option to painlessly free myself from this existence I never would have chose.