Venting I’m tired

[BlueButterfly111]

I'm tired of feeling like this, feels like I should've just took my life back when my boyfriend had just passed away, when I really had the motivation to do it. Now I just don't know what to do, I feel so alone in this world and miserable. It took 5 fucking months for my Sn to arrive back when it did last year. That was way too much time, maybe had it arrived when it was supposed to, I would've been gone already, and wouldn't have convinced myself to stay alive.

It's like I'm just continuously being tortured for no reason, at least if you were going to not give me the willpower to kill myself, then give me some kind of joy in life. I just hope I'll know when the time is right, and won't have to suffer forever. I had hope at the beginning of this year, but my mental health is going down the drain again, and I'm not happy.

 

[bugbugbug]

This is also what I worry about and I'm so sorry you're in this position

 

[Worndown]

It is hard to justify making an optimistic statement here.
I am sorry you are suffering.
Is there anything you can do to distract yourself from this pain?

 

[BlueButterfly111]

It is hard to justify making an optimistic statement here.
I am sorry you are suffering.
Is there anything you can do to distract yourself from this pain?

Getting drunk, lol. But I hate doing that, so I just suffer:( I appreciate you for asking though!!

 

[Worndown]

Spring is in our future.
Go for a walk. Do you know someone who will take a walk with you?
Go get coffee, a pizza, look at squirrels in a park...anything to change your daily reality.
A drink now and then might be good too!

 

[ironrain]

I'm tired of feeling like this, feels like I should've just took my life back when my boyfriend had just passed away, when I really had the motivation to do it. Now I just don't know what to do, I feel so alone in this world and miserable. It took 5 fucking months for my Sn to arrive back when it did last year. That was way too much time, maybe had it arrived when it was supposed to, I would've been gone already, and wouldn't have convinced myself to stay alive.

It's like I'm just continuously being tortured for no reason, at least if you were going to not give me the willpower to kill myself, then give me some kind of joy in life. I just hope I'll know when the time is right, and won't have to suffer forever. I had hope at the beginning of this year, but my mental health is going down the drain again, and I'm not happy.

I feel so sorry. I relate to this too. I wish I just fell asleep and never woke up because clearing up all info from my laptop and phone and burning my drawings is tedious. And what if I change my mind and don't want to ctb? Then everything will be destroyed. I had a really terrible spiral somewhere around this October and that was a perfect opportunity to ctb but I didn't and now I'm suffering but not as much to ctb. So rn I hope I'll fail my exams and my parents will hate me.

 

[BlueButterfly111]

Spring is in our future.
Go for a walk. Do you know someone who will take a walk with you?
Go get coffee, a pizza, look at squirrels in a park...anything to change your daily reality.
A drink now and then might be good too!

I love going for walks at the park, it's pretty much the only thing that helps! But I don't really go much because I don't have a vehicle and I don't want to walk all the way over there because I live in a bad neighborhood and I'm scared of getting robbed or beat up. I have a friend who would probably be willing to take me, but they work like 7 days a week, 12 hours a day, so I don't really like to ask them too much.

Pretty much just working on getting a vehicle so I can do these things myself while trying to stay strong. :)