Venting im the problem one

[Life_and_Death]

you said you haven't been feeling too well and I noticed our conversations haven't been too engaging for you these past 2 days, do you think you could use some time for yourself?

I am still wondering about you though, I haven't heard from you in a minute. I hope you are okay.

2 different friends. last night my husband asked about my meds, i had 3 left and was suppose to be out weeks ago, how was i suppose to lie about that one. and my other friend is worried as well.
im such a problem that people with their own problems are worried about me.
im tired of being the defective, odd one out with everything.
i asked my friend "what if i dont want to be in therapy" and he said hed ask me why and i asked if hed want to be

because it's to make me get better

no, see thats the thing. i can look back YEARS and see the problems i am. i use to laugh when i told stupid stories about myself and now i just want to cry, i cant move or speak anymore without being reminded that im nothing more than defective. why would i want to be in therapy, defective is defective. im not broken. i cant be glued back together. im the item you buy that you complain about because it didnt work out of the box, not something that broke over years of use. its like that old car you keep driving. "just a few more miles" you beg it meanwhile it's rattling and making every noise it can, screaming "please, im broken past the point of no return, send me to the junkyard."

if i was an item...i would have been throw out ages ago. as a human, anyone else would have abandoned me ages ago.
please, abandon me? im really not worth it. its just going to be a constant of the same thing over and over again. how do i know that? because it always is. im a broken record. most people throw broken records away, so why not me?
just let me self destruct....