gonesoon!
New Member
- Jun 6, 2025
- 1
I need to vent. Someone sent me this website. Forgive me, I'm new and in some of these posts I have no idea what they're talking about. At first this kinda scared me. But it's somewhere I can actually put my thoughts. And everyone seems nonjudgmental. I might hate myself for posting this. Even though I already hate myself. I don't know what to do anymore. I don't really care. I have nothing to lose.
Also I should say, yes I tried medicine. 14 different kinds. And hospitalization. And therapy. And psychedelics. And ketamine. It does nothing if I do nothing. And honestly I still have nightmares about the hospital up to this day. It's not a place where I feel safe. Or a place where I feel I could even begin to "feel better."
I had therapy today. Which went as usual. I dissociate and she talks at me. Although sometimes i can allow myself to be present and actually talk. I leave the house once every 2 weeks for it. When I got home I found out my friend needed surgery and has a bad infection. I don't want to make it about me. But I'm worried about him. Also today the doctor called me. They said I need extra blood taken because I need tested for pre diabetic and I was also low on a few things like one was potassium. I'm pretty underweight so not sure how that happened. Whatever. I genuinely don't care about myself at this point. It just might end up being another headache.
I'm just feeling overwhelmed. Things are making me burst into tears. Which is very odd for me. Everything is so expensive and I will only leech off my parents for so long. And I've been having panic attacks more often. They happen when I get very suicidal because I feel intensely that I need to hurt/kill myself. And to be honest I'm scared to die. My first attempt left some memories that make it scarier. I think about cutting down my wrists or jumping off the bridge near my house. For a long time it stayed thoughts. Except for my failed attempt. Now again I feel like I'll actually do it. Then my chest starts to hurt. And I start hyperventilating and losing feeling in my hands and face. Eventually it turns into weird crying because I can barely breathe. To make it stop all i can do is hurt myself. But it's never enough to be satisfied.
I'm 24 and a neet (for 5 years) so I already feel like a pathetic loser. Because I am one. I'm even too scared to cut myself. I want the pain. I want to feel the warm blood running. But every time I go to do it I cant push the blade hard enough. I start to panic more. Last time I smashed my head on things until there was blood and a massive bruise. It got me involuntarily committed. Now I punch myself as hard as I possibly can. At this point my legs are bruised and it hurts to walk. I only punch my thighs and now my calves hurt too. I don't know what else to do. I hate myself. I fucking hate myself. I just want pain. I deserve it. I have sat in this room for my entire life. All I have done is wallow in self pity, and sabotage myself every step of the way. No job. No school. No money. Never went to a dance. Or a sleepover. Or a birthday party. Or a date. Or an interview. I always did the wrong thing. I always said the wrong thing. I never pushed myself. I don't feel connected to anyone. It doesn't feel real anymore. The loneliness is starting to kill me. I can't even put it into words. Just make it stop
Also I should say, yes I tried medicine. 14 different kinds. And hospitalization. And therapy. And psychedelics. And ketamine. It does nothing if I do nothing. And honestly I still have nightmares about the hospital up to this day. It's not a place where I feel safe. Or a place where I feel I could even begin to "feel better."
I had therapy today. Which went as usual. I dissociate and she talks at me. Although sometimes i can allow myself to be present and actually talk. I leave the house once every 2 weeks for it. When I got home I found out my friend needed surgery and has a bad infection. I don't want to make it about me. But I'm worried about him. Also today the doctor called me. They said I need extra blood taken because I need tested for pre diabetic and I was also low on a few things like one was potassium. I'm pretty underweight so not sure how that happened. Whatever. I genuinely don't care about myself at this point. It just might end up being another headache.
I'm just feeling overwhelmed. Things are making me burst into tears. Which is very odd for me. Everything is so expensive and I will only leech off my parents for so long. And I've been having panic attacks more often. They happen when I get very suicidal because I feel intensely that I need to hurt/kill myself. And to be honest I'm scared to die. My first attempt left some memories that make it scarier. I think about cutting down my wrists or jumping off the bridge near my house. For a long time it stayed thoughts. Except for my failed attempt. Now again I feel like I'll actually do it. Then my chest starts to hurt. And I start hyperventilating and losing feeling in my hands and face. Eventually it turns into weird crying because I can barely breathe. To make it stop all i can do is hurt myself. But it's never enough to be satisfied.
I'm 24 and a neet (for 5 years) so I already feel like a pathetic loser. Because I am one. I'm even too scared to cut myself. I want the pain. I want to feel the warm blood running. But every time I go to do it I cant push the blade hard enough. I start to panic more. Last time I smashed my head on things until there was blood and a massive bruise. It got me involuntarily committed. Now I punch myself as hard as I possibly can. At this point my legs are bruised and it hurts to walk. I only punch my thighs and now my calves hurt too. I don't know what else to do. I hate myself. I fucking hate myself. I just want pain. I deserve it. I have sat in this room for my entire life. All I have done is wallow in self pity, and sabotage myself every step of the way. No job. No school. No money. Never went to a dance. Or a sleepover. Or a birthday party. Or a date. Or an interview. I always did the wrong thing. I always said the wrong thing. I never pushed myself. I don't feel connected to anyone. It doesn't feel real anymore. The loneliness is starting to kill me. I can't even put it into words. Just make it stop
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