I just don't know what to do. I've suffered from chronic depression ever since I was 11 years old, and I've been chronically suicidal since I was 13.
I have nothing to live for. I don't even recognize the person I am anymore. Even while depressed, I used to be a person who loved to learn, and read books about a variety of subjects (philosophy of mind, archaeology, literature, history, historical linguistics, etc.), but now, I have no interest in these subjects, and I can't even retain any information I read. I'm stupid now.
I finally set a deadline for June 12th of this year a few years ago, but I still don't have an exact plan. The SN sources I found are too expensive for me at the moment, and I have no idea how to access the supplementary medications, like metoclopramide. I can't bear the thought of living any longer than my deadline, but I'm too scared to try jumping, as I'm (ironically, perhaps) deathly afraid of heights. I have a train nearby, but it moves rather slowly. (Maybe I should look into some more?) I also looked into the "detergent death," but I can't find any of the chemicals on the internet. I would like a nonviolent, relatively peaceful death, if possible.
I could try jumping if I don't find anything else, but I'd rather not. I just feel so scared and trapped right now. Suicide feels a bit scary (not death though), but life feels even more so.
I have nothing to live for. I don't even recognize the person I am anymore. Even while depressed, I used to be a person who loved to learn, and read books about a variety of subjects (philosophy of mind, archaeology, literature, history, historical linguistics, etc.), but now, I have no interest in these subjects, and I can't even retain any information I read. I'm stupid now.
I finally set a deadline for June 12th of this year a few years ago, but I still don't have an exact plan. The SN sources I found are too expensive for me at the moment, and I have no idea how to access the supplementary medications, like metoclopramide. I can't bear the thought of living any longer than my deadline, but I'm too scared to try jumping, as I'm (ironically, perhaps) deathly afraid of heights. I have a train nearby, but it moves rather slowly. (Maybe I should look into some more?) I also looked into the "detergent death," but I can't find any of the chemicals on the internet. I would like a nonviolent, relatively peaceful death, if possible.
I could try jumping if I don't find anything else, but I'd rather not. I just feel so scared and trapped right now. Suicide feels a bit scary (not death though), but life feels even more so.
