I'm so scared...

[sulkygirl]

I'm so scared... My depression's back... I don't know what to do... I'm three weeks behind on college I'm going to fail so badly. What the actual fuck is wrong with me? I just lost my motivation to do anything. I haven't told anyone either. I've been an all-A's student all my life. I can't let them down now. I want to die so badly. I can't drive anymore. Every time I do I get the urge to swerve. I don't have any meds that I can die quickly and painlessly on. But I'm so fucking tired. And I haven't even done anything. I don't even deserve to be tired.
My ex-girlfriend would threaten to kill herself if I ever left her... And she kept blocking me to punish herself... And years later came back only to leave again and again. She blamed it on her alternate personalities. I just need someone to rely on... I miss her so badly. I think she broke me pretty badly.
I listen to erotic audios now. The one's where the listener gets violated by another woman. It scares me that this turns me on so much. I don't know if it's because of her. But it makes me feel a little more in control.
I've never been a religious woman but I'm praying. If only to pretend like there's someone out there to listen. To show me mercy in this chance I've fucked up

 

[woofwag]

I'm so sorry you're going through that :( but depression doesn't always have a reason, it can just happen unfortunately. Although it does sound like your ex contributed a lot to this spiral.

I'd recommend talking to someone about it. Oftentimes college campuses will have counselors you can talk to. If you don't want that, maybe one of your friends. Professors are often pretty understanding if you explain your situation as well, so if you're really falling behind you might be able to work something out with them.

It's ok to be into that. Plenty of people are, me included. Especially after a traumatic relationship. Try not to feel too bad about it. It's honestly way more common than you think.

 

[sulkygirl]

I'm so sorry you're going through that :( but depression doesn't always have a reason, it can just happen unfortunately. Although it does sound like your ex contributed a lot to this spiral.

I'd recommend talking to someone about it. Oftentimes college campuses will have counselors you can talk to. If you don't want that, maybe one of your friends. Professors are often pretty understanding if you explain your situation as well, so if you're really falling behind you might be able to work something out with them.

It's ok to be into that. Plenty of people are, me included. Especially after a traumatic relationship. Try not to feel too bad about it. It's honestly way more common than you think.

I take college online. And since I'm very reclusive, I'm only semi-in-touch with one boy from high school. At least no one will miss me I guess.

I know it's common... But it doesn't make me any less scared that I would ever get off to the thought of that... Like why do I want that? That scares the shit out of me!

Thanks for hearing me out and replying though

 

[CrawlingInMySkin]

Hey mate, welcome to the forum, noticed you're new. You'll find the kindest people here, among those life hasn't treated right. I hope you find your peace somehow, my friend. And if you enjoy listening to music, I've got a song for you- This Velvet Glove, by Red Hot Chili Peppers. I love music, it always helps me process things in my head. Anyway mate, if you need help with anything more just ask. Lots of love and peace