ohsosleepy
Dreaming of eternal sleep
- Feb 9, 2026
- 23
Went to one class today for the first time in over two weeks. My professor asked me if I was okay. I knew it was coming, and I tried to hold it back, but it was useless. I couldn't help but break down crying in the middle of the classroom. How badly I want to reach out for help, to be heard. I want to tell people how I've been feeling. More accurately I want to be saved. But that's not a realistic thing to wish for. It's not a normal thing for someone to miraculously come into your life and make everything okay. And I can't just dump my suicidal feelings on others. No one knows that I've been feeling this way since my first real attempt in late 2023.
She went through the whole spiel about seeking campus mental health support I'm sure all professors are trained on. I like this professor, and I'm sure she's genuinely worried for me. But it makes me feel worse. If only I had kept going about as normal until I really knew I had a sure way of CTBing, I wouldn't draw attention to myself like this. I know I won't use the services she showed me. Because I think I'm past saving. I'm at the point of no return in my academics. No matter how much I beg my professors and try to catch up, it'll be hard for me to achieve even a D in the rest of my classes. This class is actually the only one I've been trying in, because I actually like this class. I intended to CTB before the semester ends, but I'll feel bad disappearing on her and my classmate that also offered support to me. Maybe it'll be better for me to wait until summer, where they'll reasonably just think I dropped out.
Sitting there crying, it made me felt like I was doing this all for attention. And if I'm just attention seeking, I'm not really serious about CTBing. I'm faking all of this, and if I just tried a bit more I wouldn't have these issues. But I can't find it in me a reason to try. For the past week and a half that I missed class, I just laid in bed all day, only going outside get food from a delivery robot or to bring back a meal from the dining hall. I feel so foolish and embarrassed for doing this to myself. I don't want my family to find out.
I was going to live in an apartment style dorm with one of my current roommates and two new girls next year. I was excited to get to take the computer graphics course next year. I hoped that one day I would get enough confidence to put myself out there. But none of that will happen. If I do keep living, I'm going to have to shamefully return home and get a shitty full-time job that I have to get a $20 fare cab to and from every day because I'm stupid and never learned how to drive. And I'll be paying off my student loans for the rest of my life. I feel like such a failure.
She went through the whole spiel about seeking campus mental health support I'm sure all professors are trained on. I like this professor, and I'm sure she's genuinely worried for me. But it makes me feel worse. If only I had kept going about as normal until I really knew I had a sure way of CTBing, I wouldn't draw attention to myself like this. I know I won't use the services she showed me. Because I think I'm past saving. I'm at the point of no return in my academics. No matter how much I beg my professors and try to catch up, it'll be hard for me to achieve even a D in the rest of my classes. This class is actually the only one I've been trying in, because I actually like this class. I intended to CTB before the semester ends, but I'll feel bad disappearing on her and my classmate that also offered support to me. Maybe it'll be better for me to wait until summer, where they'll reasonably just think I dropped out.
Sitting there crying, it made me felt like I was doing this all for attention. And if I'm just attention seeking, I'm not really serious about CTBing. I'm faking all of this, and if I just tried a bit more I wouldn't have these issues. But I can't find it in me a reason to try. For the past week and a half that I missed class, I just laid in bed all day, only going outside get food from a delivery robot or to bring back a meal from the dining hall. I feel so foolish and embarrassed for doing this to myself. I don't want my family to find out.
I was going to live in an apartment style dorm with one of my current roommates and two new girls next year. I was excited to get to take the computer graphics course next year. I hoped that one day I would get enough confidence to put myself out there. But none of that will happen. If I do keep living, I'm going to have to shamefully return home and get a shitty full-time job that I have to get a $20 fare cab to and from every day because I'm stupid and never learned how to drive. And I'll be paying off my student loans for the rest of my life. I feel like such a failure.
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