Im scared of getting better

[gemstar]

hi everyone I wanted to share something I've been thinking about for some time now and maybe I can find people here who would understand me or help me with this

the thing is i sometimes get very bad moods, I get anhedonic or sad or hopeless or feel like a burden etc and when that happens I'm unable to believe that anything other than suicide is a good fix for me

but then some days it's as if my mind became clear and I'm okay, I'm not suffering mentally and I'm able to have hope that things will get alright eventually and that there are ways to fix my life and be happy

but then I start remembering all the thoughts I had when I was not okay and some of them make sense even when I'm not in my depressed thinking state and it leads me to not work on bettering myself

to make it more understandable I'm going to give an example: during my bad moods I've been thinking about how life is such a terrible thing for all people and I must never have kids because I would not be able to live with the fact that I forced life onto someone,, when I'm feeling okay I think okay if I get better and eventually I'll fall in love again and then I'll change my mind about having kids and I can't let that happen so I must never get happy

idk if I'm making sense at all but if anyone here has similar experiences please let me know

 

[timf]

Ecc 9:11 I returned, and saw under the sun, that the race is not to the swift, nor the battle to the strong, neither yet bread to the wise, nor yet riches to men of understanding, nor yet favour to men of skill; but time and chance happeneth to them all.

I was searching for a quote I half way remembered that I thought was from Shakespeare but turned out to be from the bible. The idea here is that no matter how you plan or what steps one takes, "chance" happens to everyone.

One can be better prepared but still find that one has to cope with the uncertain. Fear and apprehension may not be the most helpful ways to deal with uncertainty. Experimentation with different activities and coping skills can help identify those things that may work and can be added to a "toolbox of life". As one gets better and discovers new ways of trying to control one's life, things improve.

The fact that you have good periods is a good foundation to build on. Taking steps to learn how to make them last longer and happen more frequently would be useful.

 

[ConfusedClouds]

I really relate to this. Each time I built things up and I made it come crashing down around me, it was harder and harder to take. The guilt for knowingly hurting and upsetting others is bigger and bigger (its happened before, why did I let it happen again). To the point that I ran away from my past lives and have lived an isolated one for ~4 years now. Firstly moving around lots. Then 18 months in one location and now close to 2 years in another. Acquaintances/colleagues at work, but its shift work and mostly on duty solo, so don't get too close to anyone.
I go through waves of being meh and neutral and just tipping along in an autopilot robot routine life. Feeling like my salary is allowing me to stay in my own bubble and make savings to be inherited by my closer friend from before. But I have to catch myself and stop myself from building any stronger relations. Because its just not fair nor right. 4 years ago was just so messy. And heck I had a therapist for 3ish of those 4 years, but had a tantrum and ran from her back in December, had just been messing with her too. Not fair on her. Not her job. Had done that a couple times but went crawling back after ~6 weeks. But thats even worse. Had to be strict and stubborn. I made a decision. I have to stick to it. Clarity and clearance for her. But with her there was a professional boundary side to it, so she just loses a client and some money but she gains a space that she can offer to others who actually listen and work.

There's times I badly long for these people from past lives. But I have to sit on my hands and stop myself doing anything about it (I guess thats become easier as time has passed). Because I just know its not fair nor right to allow anyone to think I'm a good person. I awkwardly seem to end up popular in a lot of places/spaces I go to. Not right nor fair. Leading people on. Misselling. Lies. Keep myself away. They will have moved on with their lives. They need to. I was meant to have CTB long ago but never really got things lined up for a proper attempt. At least in my current place, things are generally lower impact on others if I did die (finances/life admin in place, no real super close relationships/connections). But nothing happens towards a formal full attempt.

 

[NZkiwi]

hi everyone I wanted to share something I've been thinking about for some time now and maybe I can find people here who would understand me or help me with this

the thing is i sometimes get very bad moods, I get anhedonic or sad or hopeless or feel like a burden etc and when that happens I'm unable to believe that anything other than suicide is a good fix for me

but then some days it's as if my mind became clear and I'm okay, I'm not suffering mentally and I'm able to have hope that things will get alright eventually and that there are ways to fix my life and be happy

but then I start remembering all the thoughts I had when I was not okay and some of them make sense even when I'm not in my depressed thinking state and it leads me to not work on bettering myself

to make it more understandable I'm going to give an example: during my bad moods I've been thinking about how life is such a terrible thing for all people and I must never have kids because I would not be able to live with the fact that I forced life onto someone,, when I'm feeling okay I think okay if I get better and eventually I'll fall in love again and then I'll change my mind about having kids and I can't let that happen so I must never get happy

idk if I'm making sense at all but if anyone here has similar experiences please let me know

I is it it's the familiarity with being in a bad mood, and since it's familiar it's easier to slip in

When you get better it's unfamiliar and then you freak out and want comfort, go to familiar- --> bad mood

idk if i'm making sense at all either but thanks for sharing

 

[Cloud4youu]

I completely get where you're coming from. It's hard switching between those states, because it's like I can *almost* see the light at the end of the tunnel, like I can convince myself that I will be better, only for it to all come crashing down the next day.

Im not trying to make this seem about me, I understand where you're coming from, and how mentally draining it can be. :(

 

[hurts2b]

Like everyone else in thread I understand. Just remember. Recovering starts small, yeah? It doesn't have to be this huge daunting thing.

 

[crabclaw]

I feel pretty similarly, and I'm sure it's a common experience. There's times when things are going really well in my life, and I feel excited, and happy to be around other people and do things I enjoy. Then other times I feel so overwhelmed with depression, and I find that comforting and I don't want to get better, because I don't know, there's just something so safe about being depressed. I guess similar to what you said about changing your mind, it's so frustrating to go through this cycle of feeling okay or hopeful, and then being disappointed in yourself because you made a mistake, or someone hurt you, or you're just upset for no particular reason. Sometimes it seems a lot more safe and familiar to stay depressed. However you feel about it is okay <3.

 

[gemstar]

I completely get where you're coming from. It's hard switching between those states, because it's like I can *almost* see the light at the end of the tunnel, like I can convince myself that I will be better, only for it to all come crashing down the next day.

Im not trying to make this seem about me, I understand where you're coming from, and how mentally draining it can be. :(

don't worry you didn't make it about yourself you just expressed how you feel and I'm happy to hear from other people who's experience is similar to mine because it makes me feel less alone in this thank you for sharing
thank you for sharing
I really feel with you, I've experienced some similar horrors of life myself
wishing you luck on your recovery journey
you deserve the best even if you don't always believe it

I really relate to this. Each time I built things up and I made it come crashing down around me, it was harder and harder to take. The guilt for knowingly hurting and upsetting others is bigger and bigger (its happened before, why did I let it happen again). To the point that I ran away from my past lives and have lived an isolated one for ~4 years now. Firstly moving around lots. Then 18 months in one location and now close to 2 years in another. Acquaintances/colleagues at work, but its shift work and mostly on duty solo, so don't get too close to anyone.
I go through waves of being meh and neutral and just tipping along in an autopilot robot routine life. Feeling like my salary is allowing me to stay in my own bubble and make savings to be inherited by my closer friend from before. But I have to catch myself and stop myself from building any stronger relations. Because its just not fair nor right. 4 years ago was just so messy. And heck I had a therapist for 3ish of those 4 years, but had a tantrum and ran from her back in December, had just been messing with her too. Not fair on her. Not her job. Had done that a couple times but went crawling back after ~6 weeks. But thats even worse. Had to be strict and stubborn. I made a decision. I have to stick to it. Clarity and clearance for her. But with her there was a professional boundary side to it, so she just loses a client and some money but she gains a space that she can offer to others who actually listen and work.

There's times I badly long for these people from past lives. But I have to sit on my hands and stop myself doing anything about it (I guess thats become easier as time has passed). Because I just know its not fair nor right to allow anyone to think I'm a good person. I awkwardly seem to end up popular in a lot of places/spaces I go to. Not right nor fair. Leading people on. Misselling. Lies. Keep myself away. They will have moved on with their lives. They need to. I was meant to have CTB long ago but never really got things lined up for a proper attempt. At least in my current place, things are generally lower impact on others if I did die (finances/life admin in place, no real super close relationships/connections). But nothing happens towards a formal full attempt.

I really relate to this. Each time I built things up and I made it come crashing down around me, it was harder and harder to take. The guilt for knowingly hurting and upsetting others is bigger and bigger (its happened before, why did I let it happen again). To the point that I ran away from my past lives and have lived an isolated one for ~4 years now. Firstly moving around lots. Then 18 months in one location and now close to 2 years in another. Acquaintances/colleagues at work, but its shift work and mostly on duty solo, so don't get too close to anyone.
I go through waves of being meh and neutral and just tipping along in an autopilot robot routine life. Feeling like my salary is allowing me to stay in my own bubble and make savings to be inherited by my closer friend from before. But I have to catch myself and stop myself from building any stronger relations. Because its just not fair nor right. 4 years ago was just so messy. And heck I had a therapist for 3ish of those 4 years, but had a tantrum and ran from her back in December, had just been messing with her too. Not fair on her. Not her job. Had done that a couple times but went crawling back after ~6 weeks. But thats even worse. Had to be strict and stubborn. I made a decision. I have to stick to it. Clarity and clearance for her. But with her there was a professional boundary side to it, so she just loses a client and some money but she gains a space that she can offer to others who actually listen and work.

There's times I badly long for these people from past lives. But I have to sit on my hands and stop myself doing anything about it (I guess thats become easier as time has passed). Because I just know its not fair nor right to allow anyone to think I'm a good person. I awkwardly seem to end up popular in a lot of places/spaces I go to. Not right nor fair. Leading people on. Misselling. Lies. Keep myself away. They will have moved on with their lives. They need to. I was meant to have CTB long ago but never really got things lined up for a proper attempt. At least in my current place, things are generally lower impact on others if I did die (finances/life admin in place, no real super close relationships/connections). But nothing happens towards a formal full attempt.