I can't anymore, I want to CTB so bad but I don't want to leave the mess to my friends and family, I'm always thinking about my friends and family! Some aren't even friends anymore but I don't have the heart to abandon my promises to them. I can't talk to my friends and family about how I'm feeling because they would all say the same dayum thing " things arnt that bad you did most of this to yourself you gotta take it one step at a time things will get better" and yet with each step forward I fumble two steps back. I can't do shit right I'm constantly depending on others who have their own shit to worry about. I tried to help them see and understand life without me being a burden would be so much better for them all the trouble i cause but they won't listen to reason. Then they start to treat me like I'm some fragile baby which makes me feel like even more shit because that's the last thing i wanted! I don't want to be taken care of I want to help others I want to be there for everyone the way they have been there for me I'm tired of feeling helpless and useless I want to have purpose. Idk i just hate myself and only feel better when im able to offer something of value to others and the only thing of value I hold is the ability to permanently remove myself from their equations so they can have one less thing to worry about but I don't want them to be sad at my lack of wanted to survive I'd hire a hit man if I could I just don't know howwww 
