Michelstaedter
Specialist
- Feb 25, 2025
- 319
In recent years, I've realized the decline in my mental health, and my health in general. Years ago, I might have thought that my desire for the CTB was nothing more than a youthful whim for not being able to fulfill the dreams I so ardently longed to achieve. Now, my true and greatest achievement would be to finally rest in peace.
I don't feel well, I've tried several things and I'm aware that "seeking help" is nothing more than a "lifeline" in the middle of an ocean, it's not like in 5-10 years I can recover and say "oh, of course, I was wrong, that wasn't the way", when on the contrary, in the past I thought I could recover, settle down, whether by getting married, having children, having a job, establishing myself professionally or anything I could have thought of that would have given balance to my life that has already been unbalanced since I was a child.
I truly feel that I am close, that little by little I will be close to taking that "great leap" and finally, truly finally, I will leave this murky and lonely world. I longed at least to write, to leave a testimony of my vision of the world, the futility of things, the great ego that makes humans often see other beings as inferior, as wrong, that sort of intellectual solipsism where only what you think is correct and everything else is erroneous, since it is part of human nature. Even I cannot say that what I am writing is correct, but at least, for my path, it is, and that is why I want to end my entire life, rest, free myself from being imprisoned and be truly FREE.
I would have liked to write all of this in my own language, since the translations I understand are limited and somewhat different from what I feel, but it's more than enough; I don't need more. When I leave this world, that will be irrelevant, and the most important thing will be having achieved my greatest goal, which is to achieve that CTB I've longed for and am finally within my grasp.
I don't feel well, I've tried several things and I'm aware that "seeking help" is nothing more than a "lifeline" in the middle of an ocean, it's not like in 5-10 years I can recover and say "oh, of course, I was wrong, that wasn't the way", when on the contrary, in the past I thought I could recover, settle down, whether by getting married, having children, having a job, establishing myself professionally or anything I could have thought of that would have given balance to my life that has already been unbalanced since I was a child.
I truly feel that I am close, that little by little I will be close to taking that "great leap" and finally, truly finally, I will leave this murky and lonely world. I longed at least to write, to leave a testimony of my vision of the world, the futility of things, the great ego that makes humans often see other beings as inferior, as wrong, that sort of intellectual solipsism where only what you think is correct and everything else is erroneous, since it is part of human nature. Even I cannot say that what I am writing is correct, but at least, for my path, it is, and that is why I want to end my entire life, rest, free myself from being imprisoned and be truly FREE.
I would have liked to write all of this in my own language, since the translations I understand are limited and somewhat different from what I feel, but it's more than enough; I don't need more. When I leave this world, that will be irrelevant, and the most important thing will be having achieved my greatest goal, which is to achieve that CTB I've longed for and am finally within my grasp.
