Venting im incredibly jealous and insecure to the point of sickenss

[luvpup]

honestly, dunno if anyone else has this same issue but im sure there has to be someone
but i'm an unremarkable stereotypical cliché type of girl.

young, likes the cutecore pink shit, does music, does art of anime girls, pitiful and depressed but trying to be kind bla bla bla gets taken advantage of by creeps bla bla bla daddy issues, feel free to add anything else that is stereotypical. the only real difference is that i'm brown but even that doesn't really matter or differentiate you anymore.

but you know what, anytime i see a girl (sometimes even feminine guys), whether its a profile or someone on tiktok or instagram (which i now no longer use because of my incredibly volatile reactions to things), i just get so sickly jealous... a pit in my stomach. its like their existence threatens my very being. as if you have a doppelgänger and now you have to either die or kill them.

it doesn't matter how many fans i have, how many people like me, how many people care about me, how many people tell me im cute enough, how young i am (now i am growing up, im 18, soon will be 19 which is even worse) honestly wen i see someone younger than me especially i just get this rage this unbridled anger and the only solution is to ignore and block them. this is why i dont use social media. i would never be friends with a girl who reminds me of myself, even if we have things in common and i consider myself a really nice person too yknow i dont go out of my way hating on people i'm not cruel i'm kind to everyone who talks to me and stuff. even if they remind me of myself i'm nice. and if i cant contain my jealousy i just block them because id rather hurt myself than be mean or bad.

recently, i got on tiktok and saw a girl with a cute backpack and thick scars and i got so fucking pissed off i closed the app and cut my own arm for the first time a bunch when i swore i wouldnt cut my arms because i like my arms...

if i see someone with a profile picture of a drawing i like, an anime i enjoy, something cute or something i've used before, if theyre younger than me, if they type in all lowercase, if they use kaomojis, anything, i get so fucking sick to my stomach. if we share trauma i just think they have to fucking disappear or else ill fucking end my life. i dont know why i feel so much rage at this it's actually insane... i control it by simply not having many female friends, not reaching out to people, not being in cutecore or anime spaces that i enjoy, i stick to myself and the own fandom for myself that ive curated. i pride myself on being a 'good person' and i have been but having all this rage underneath is making me feel awful...

 

[AstralMadness]

I get it, I always feel jealous over what others do honestly, whenever I see someone with the stuff I want (and can't get, which is basically always) when I see someone being happy with the things I want and like, it makes me sick and angry, it's why I stopped engaging with privileged people tbh or just getting anything about anybody's life, their acquisitions, travels, looks, progression on social media and only limiting it to memes/politics/news otherwise I'd just feel empty and depressed all the time seeing other people's lives, and i hadn't finished your post writing all this because i didn't wanna forget what i wanted to say but i noticed near the end that you say something similar lol, not reaching out to people or being in spaces that you enjoy. same thing i've done, i don't even hang out in fandoms of what i like anymore because of that, people always posting their merch or whatever making me jealous and angry as hell

on a similar note i feel extremely angry whenever i see anybody with a similar personality to the current or past me. i suppose it's just that deep hatred i have for myself after all
though on what i can't relate with you is this anger making me feel bad, i've always accepted that jealousy consumes me and i'm never gonna enjoy what those people do because of being poor as hell

i don't think this necessarily takes away from you being a good, kind person though. if you treat people nicely, if you're kind and respectful, if you're helpful, sweet, then that's what matters, those are core characteristics of a nice human being, this frustration and jealousy simply stems from pain and problems you have and that's okay, it doesn't make you less nice especially because you're not directing any of your anger at them, you control yourself and take it out on you though which is another issue

 

[luvpup]

i mean honestly it's nearly every day no matter where i go if i try to interact with people that i find this feeling of my identity being stripped from me and found pasted on others. so often. the only thing i could do is try to become the #1 version of me, but i could only do that by making some piece of work or a game or art or music that is so popular i get to say i did it. i can't do that. i can't even take care of myself. i can't do my makeup everyday to look like a pretty e-girl.

the "me" i felt was unique, special, valuable, from time to time, i am constantly reminded no matter what that it is ultimately replaceable and useless....

imagine , imagine you wake up and around you every day is what you see as a one to one doppelganger of you. it's like the fucking plot of a horror movie. it's awful. it's the worst. your identity is nothing. it's stripped. you are nothing. you are not you... it makes me sick. so when i see this i can only be filled with rage...

I get it, I always feel jealous over what others do honestly, whenever I see someone with the stuff I want (and can't get, which is basically always) when I see someone being happy with the things I want and like, it makes me sick and angry, it's why I stopped engaging with privileged people tbh or just getting anything about anybody's life, their acquisitions, travels, looks, progression on social media and only limiting it to memes/politics/news otherwise I'd just feel empty and depressed all the time seeing other people's lives, and i hadn't finished your post writing all this because i didn't wanna forget what i wanted to say but i noticed near the end that you say something similar lol, not reaching out to people or being in spaces that you enjoy. same thing i've done, i don't even hang out in fandoms of what i like anymore because of that, people always posting their merch or whatever making me jealous and angry as hell

on a similar note i feel extremely angry whenever i see anybody with a similar personality to the current or past me. i suppose it's just that deep hatred i have for myself after all
though on what i can't relate with you is this anger making me feel bad, i've always accepted that jealousy consumes me and i'm never gonna enjoy what those people do because of being poor as hell

i don't think this necessarily takes away from you being a good, kind person though. if you treat people nicely, if you're kind and respectful, if you're helpful, sweet, then that's what matters, those are core characteristics of a nice human being, this frustration and jealousy simply stems from pain and problems you have and that's okay, it doesn't make you less nice especially because you're not directing any of your anger at them, you control yourself and take it out on you though which is another issue

i guess the hell of comparison is something that is inescapable, i am decently off but not to the point of many online. and then people say well go irl. i find doppelgangers in real life, doppelgangers with my traits but better.

is it even appropriate to say 'im sorry you're poor?' that sounds so awful lol... but i guess what i mean is i'm sorry you're trapped in the hell of a society where your value and 'coolness' and 'admirability' is based on money and what you can show, items, and whatnot.

im trying to accept it too and just accept i wont be able to enjoy things the same as others or participate in certain things because i am so incredibly jealous and angry and i don't want to hurt or affect innocent people just because they have it better off than me. it's not their fault. good for them, right? ha...

and same, the personality thing is honestly bigger for me than even the items. when i see someone who looks like me or has a profile i think i'd have, and talks or types in a way i would saying things i have thought or in a way i would word it or how i think i again feel threatened. i feel like i'm looking at an imitator, a thief, a doppelganger and i can't help but try to ignore them or feel like i have to cut or harm myself to escape it... they do nothing wrong. thats why i could never be friends with someone like me. in rare cases ill befriend the person just to try and find out or see/determine our differences, and once (if) i can determine we are different enough the rage subsides to be bearable. this is rare though

but yeah

 

[AstralMadness]

i mean honestly it's nearly every day no matter where i go if i try to interact with people that i find this feeling of my identity being stripped from me and found pasted on others. so often. the only thing i could do is try to become the #1 version of me, but i could only do that by making some piece of work or a game or art or music that is so popular i get to say i did it. i can't do that. i can't even take care of myself. i can't do my makeup everyday to look like a pretty e-girl.

the "me" i felt was unique, special, valuable, from time to time, i am constantly reminded no matter what that it is ultimately replaceable and useless....

imagine , imagine you wake up and around you every day is what you see as a one to one doppelganger of you. it's like the fucking plot of a horror movie. it's awful. it's the worst. your identity is nothing. it's stripped. you are nothing. you are not you... it makes me sick. so when i see this i can only be filled with rage...

i understand what you mean, but you don't need to be #1 always to be unique and special, the only person that could engage on this same conversation with me is you at the end of the day, i couldn't be saying the same things and hearing these same things to anybody else, this exchange, in and of itself proves you're not just part of a mountain of people, i'm not sure if i'm explaining myself

i understand you're frustrated with feeling like you're not special and replaceable, in our current world that is pretty common after all it's hard to be "original" when what 99% of us do has already been done and thought by the tons of people that came before us, but that doesn't make us less us, or easily replaceable, or non unique, there's not another us in this point in time

i'm sorry if i'm not explaining it well honestly i have the idea of what i wanna say and i do understand what you mean i just can't really put it into words well at least not now and i don't wanna sound dismissive of how you feel either

i think at the end of the day, the smallest things are what makes you you too, idk, like, my friend could send music to literally any of the other people he knows, i'm not unique at all there. anybody would listen to the shit he wanna talk about too, but he sends it to me, why is that? he just wants to make my day with it, or wants me to feel the same as him, or enjoys my reaction, or all of them. or when he sends me memes or whatever, why exactly me when he can do it to anybody else? those are the things that make us unique, i believe, again i'm not sure if i'm explaining it right lol

 

[luvpup]

i understand what you mean, but you don't need to be #1 always to be unique and special, the only person that could engage on this same conversation with me is you at the end of the day, i couldn't be saying the same things and hearing these same things to anybody else, this exchange, in and of itself proves you're not just part of a mountain of people, i'm not sure if i'm explaining myself

i understand you're frustrated with feeling like you're not special and replaceable, in our current world that is pretty common after all it's hard to be "original" when what 99% of us do has already been done and thought by the tons of people that came before us, but that doesn't make us less us, or easily replaceable, or non unique, there's not another us in this point in time

i'm sorry if i'm not explaining it well honestly i have the idea of what i wanna say and i do understand what you mean i just can't really put it into words well at least not now and i don't wanna sound dismissive of how you feel either

i think at the end of the day, the smallest things are what makes you you too, idk, like, my friend could send music to literally any of the other people he knows, i'm not unique at all there. anybody would listen to the shit he wanna talk about too, but he sends it to me, why is that? he just wants to make my day with it, or wants me to feel the same as him, or enjoys my reaction, or all of them. or when he sends me memes or whatever, why exactly me when he can do it to anybody else? those are the things that make us unique, i believe, again i'm not sure if i'm explaining it right lol

i think i get what you're trying to say yeah, thank you for taking the time to respond, i know it can be the small things i guess... its hard sometimes when i get so emotional but i understand.. maybe its ok, but i dont know but yeah

 

[AstralMadness]

i think i get what you're trying to say yeah, thank you for taking the time to respond, i know it can be the small things i guess... its hard sometimes when i get so emotional but i understand.. maybe its ok, but i dont know but yeah

it's nothing to be thanked for i'm glad to help if i can especially if i can relate in any way

i get that too it's alright, it's hard to think about it or think when you get really emotional, nothing wrong with that either, i do think sometimes it's the smaller things that help to identify ourselves especially because it's way less likely others do the same as you in that regard

 

[NormallyNeurotic]

honestly, dunno if anyone else has this same issue but im sure there has to be someone
but i'm an unremarkable stereotypical cliché type of girl.

young, likes the cutecore pink shit, does music, does art of anime girls, pitiful and depressed but trying to be kind bla bla bla gets taken advantage of by creeps bla bla bla daddy issues, feel free to add anything else that is stereotypical. the only real difference is that i'm brown but even that doesn't really matter or differentiate you anymore.

but you know what, anytime i see a girl (sometimes even feminine guys), whether its a profile or someone on tiktok or instagram (which i now no longer use because of my incredibly volatile reactions to things), i just get so sickly jealous... a pit in my stomach. its like their existence threatens my very being. as if you have a doppelgänger and now you have to either die or kill them.

it doesn't matter how many fans i have, how many people like me, how many people care about me, how many people tell me im cute enough, how young i am (now i am growing up, im 18, soon will be 19 which is even worse) honestly wen i see someone younger than me especially i just get this rage this unbridled anger and the only solution is to ignore and block them. this is why i dont use social media. i would never be friends with a girl who reminds me of myself, even if we have things in common and i consider myself a really nice person too yknow i dont go out of my way hating on people i'm not cruel i'm kind to everyone who talks to me and stuff. even if they remind me of myself i'm nice. and if i cant contain my jealousy i just block them because id rather hurt myself than be mean or bad.

recently, i got on tiktok and saw a girl with a cute backpack and thick scars and i got so fucking pissed off i closed the app and cut my own arm for the first time a bunch when i swore i wouldnt cut my arms because i like my arms...

if i see someone with a profile picture of a drawing i like, an anime i enjoy, something cute or something i've used before, if theyre younger than me, if they type in all lowercase, if they use kaomojis, anything, i get so fucking sick to my stomach. if we share trauma i just think they have to fucking disappear or else ill fucking end my life. i dont know why i feel so much rage at this it's actually insane... i control it by simply not having many female friends, not reaching out to people, not being in cutecore or anime spaces that i enjoy, i stick to myself and the own fandom for myself that ive curated. i pride myself on being a 'good person' and i have been but having all this rage underneath is making me feel awful...

I totally relate to this as someone with NPD. The amount of times I'd idealize someone's existence and then feel super envious over them is kind of embarrassing. It's one of my least favorite traits of mine.

Have you explored more internally why you have this reaction?

 

[luvpup]

I totally relate to this as someone with NPD. The amount of times I'd idealize someone's existence and then feel super envious over them is kind of embarrassing. It's one of my least favorite traits of mine.

Have you explored more internally why you have this reaction?

theres nothing to explore, its simply the reaction i imagine someone would feel like if they were in a horror movie and saw someone identical to them

i dont think its too unreasonable but the amount of rage may be, though my assumption on that is that its so much because im so pitiful and depressed and suicidal and insecure. it multiplies... i feel even worse. i dont think theres ever an idealization before me feeling envious, i want to be good so i just ignore or block them orrrr like i said rarely try to befriend them to remember oh theyre not like me its chill

idk i mean, who likes to feel like they arent special? if you grow up being called retarded and stupid and useless and all ur value to your parents is in what you do or what you have to show, extraordinary achievements, then you learn just existing is not enough. and it's not. not just interpersonally either because i know its on a societal scale too. we pretend ot believe that human life has inherent value, we say that with our words, but actions show that isnt true. what you have what you can provide is what gives you an excuse, love, understanding. and if its not that it has to be shown through physical violence like self harm but even then you often get mocked.

worse i think it prolly also stems a bit from the idealization, objectification from pedos and creeps very very very often a lot early on in my life with my chronically online life on top of my parents, my youth naivete and 'cute'-ness and personality becomes what i have what i think makes me special... my mental illness becomes something that isnt bad and is forgiven. but what happens when theres literally tons of ppl just like me, when im replacable, when somenoe like me becomes literally a meme and mocked as a stereotype, things i got bullied for before becoming trends but im not able to reach them even though theyre JUST brushing my finger tips, even though i know i have that potential. it sickens me.

 

[NormallyNeurotic]

I dont think theres ever an idealization before me feeling envious, i want to be good so i just ignore or block them orrrr like i said rarely try to befriend them to remember oh theyre not like me its chill

By idealization, I moreso meant the fact that to immediately be envious of even smaller mostly-unnoticable traits, it is inherently subconsciously idealizing this person's state of being. The hyperawareness of things you want to have that they have, when an average person might not find those traits envy-worthy.

Have you ever seen a professional about this or mentioned it to one? I'd assume no.

 

[luvpup]

By idealization, I moreso meant the fact that to immediately be envious of even smaller mostly-unnoticable traits, it is inherently subconsciously idealizing this person's state of being. The hyperawareness of things you want to have that they have, when an average person might not find those traits envy-worthy.

Have you ever seen a professional about this or mentioned it to one? I'd assume no.

i guess so, but also no, well i had seen a therapist for a few years and he suggest BPD but therapists cant diagnose, and my psychiatrist was really shitty about it and what not...

i dont think i have NPD but i guess no one would think they have that?? but mostly bc my empathy is one of the biggest thing that causes me pain too so, wouldnt NPD be more likely to struggle with lack of that? or is that something else... anyways yeah idk.

 

[NormallyNeurotic]

i guess so, but also no, well i had seen a therapist for a few years and he suggest BPD but therapists cant diagnose, and my psychiatrist was really shitty about it and what not...

i dont think i have NPD but i guess no one would think they have that?? but mostly bc my empathy is one of the biggest thing that causes me pain too so, wouldnt NPD be more likely to struggle with lack of that? or is that something else... anyways yeah idk.

BPD runs in my family, and the severity of your envy definitely doesn't speak of just BPD. BPD is more about abandonment and volatility, and can have inferiority issues, but the extent it is affecting your life is uncommon.

HPD (Histrionic) can have similar traits to NPD, but it's more about getting attention than not being inferior. Those with HPD value their image less than whether they are the center of attention in general—negative or positive. Not sure if that fits you.

Empathy struggles are only one symptom of NPD (and not required). My comorbid BPD can clash with my NPD to have me experience Affective Empathy that I usually do not, so it's not set in stone anyway. Those with NPD also statistically are likely to have higher rates of Cognitive Empathy, so even those who have that criteria do not fully lack empathy.

For a better explanation of NPD criteria (written from the personal experience of someone), I found this on Tumblr some time ago when searching for NPD positive accounts. Even if you do not have it, it might be able to help you think more about some stuff? It helped me realize more about my fight/flight reactions personally.

 

[luvpup]

@NormallyNeurotic but id rather kill myself than be perceived as a "bad" person. or be anything like my father. i dont really manipulate people either or anything, i supposes thats more ASPD.. idk.

i know i'm desperate for attention but again id rather kill myself than be a bad person
and i know i am not lacking in empathy, i feel rly bad for others even when its not personally related to me or i cant understand it
and ive been treated like shit a lot of my life and put down for simple being perceived as being 'weak' or 'too kind'. im also emotionally weak and have no goals, i might be more narcissistic since i became some what valued for being a semi known niche musician but, idk.

i can agree i probably rely on others for self definition and self esteem but, i feel like this is a point of the world as a whole, others do define our worth and value significantly. you can think youre the greatest person in the world but if society at the time doesnt value your traits or beauty theyve decided on, you become worthless, functionally. of course, being good or loving or helpful and having connections with others can help that but even that is temporary...

honestly i WISH i could be evil and js manipulate people and do whatever i wanted without caring how other people felt or what theyd see me as or if i'd be a 'bad person' but i literally can't it makes me feel like dying and i just cant bring myself there... its caused me so much pain. seriously id rather cut myself for everytime i find myself acting or feeling somewhat 'cruel'...

maybe in self direction i can also relate, but im not sure if this is from bipolar depression or what, because i jst dont have any goals for myself and i dont care to live i mean idk i just dont care about things and have nothing i rlly wanna pursue. if i did pursue anything though itd be better if it was something that made others appreciate me and value me like my music has but why wouldnt it be when thats actually helped me a lot?? it's given me value and given me a chance to help others too...

as for empathy, again i feel its heavy and strong in me i dont have any impairments so this isnt rly relevant imo and it doesnt have to be just related to me!! i also, regarding intimacy dont withdraw in the slightest im always all in and i do focus a lot on the feelings of the other as their own not just related to me, i try to improve their life and mine bc a relationship should b two people working together, and again this has ended up with me being abused and mistreated a lot

grandoise sense, idk this shifts. i generally think im replacable and too much alike others but then also think im good enough and ive done good things and im talented so why do bad things keep happening but this isnt just from me or made up or grandoise i think its genuine fact i mean ppl tell me as such and i have been a good person and good partne rand overall i am smart and kind and like things like art and thinkin and advocating for good stuff yk so on and so forth... basic standarsd that i find a lot of ppl dont even meet...

(2. Attempt to regulate emotions and self-esteem through fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love, while avoiding real-life situations that conflict with this internal narrative)

i mean i hsve become rather shut in but even when i do try and i go out in the world or talk to ppl it ends up in genuine hurt and strife for me so.. why would i not avoid that lol idk

3. Association with or avoidance of people, groups, or institutions based upon an attempt to gain admiration or avoid criticism

i def avoid social media, groups in things i like, and now the music community at large ... after facing large amounts of harrassment and bullying for years from irl and online and everywhere i go!! which again i think is reasonable

4. Seeks out admiration in an attempt to regulate mood; may struggle with self-destructive behaviors (i.e., isolation, impulsivity, self-punishment, overexertion, etc.), intensely unpleasant emotions, or lack of motivation when they don't feel admired

i think i seek out relationships to motivate me but its because it gives me something to prove and live up to, if im with someone i love i then have to live for someone other than myself and do well to prove to them im worth being around and loving . i do self punish etc isolating ive been doing that way more lately just cus ppl have been exhausting to be around and im tired of feeling afraid like they think badly or me or im just wasting their time or we dont rly know each other yet im oversharing bla bla bla

for 5, i dont think i agree and comply to everything another person wants, nor do i think i make others do this for me, i let a lot slide sometimes actually bc i would want the same benefit of the doubt given to me when im struggling with my mental problems

6. Periods of intense boredom or dissatisfaction resulting from a lack of connection with others; an attempt to regulate these emotions through material pursuits, personal gain, or self-destructive behaviors

my current isolation is because of a disgusting predator and the bullying and ostricization i faced my whole life no matter where i went, i try to connect with tohrs a lot and even manage to on some level, even here i have some friends i think, but yes being alone is incredibly painful for me, i even considered i might have DPD just because being alone hurts so bad and i considered being with anyone even if they r abusive or painful for me js so im not alone which is kind of what im in right now..

7. May miss social cues or struggle with self-awareness due to a lack of empathy or a preoccupation with their self-image

i somrtimes miss social cues, like i overshare or something but i dont think its due to a lack of empathy or self image, i just talk a lot and people are not very direct at times

8. Frequent comparisons to others, often followed by bitterness towards self or others for perceived differences in likability

this is true, in the least, im always feeling the need to compare myself to others but isnt social media at large making people mor elike this?? especially when it comes to things like self harm or fashion subcultures or being a niche musician, theres always competition, and bitterness, i want to be likeable and good of course so it hurts to be bad and it hurts to see people like me or people who seem just like me that remnd me that im not special or unique and therefore replacable and discardable as ive sen happen time and time again, even more painful is when someone is worse of a person than me a 'bad person' and 'selfish' and they still get it all.

percieved or slight critcism does really hurt me but i try to take it, but it hurts a lot. i tend ot overapologize or end up crying or wanting to hurt myself. i suddnely might not wanna do anything i guess, or feel like im pathetic idk

i think my one requirement for feelings of likng someone or a crush is feeling taken care of, understood and seen and doted on in a way. i dunno if that counts but yeah

these are my reflections based on ur post

ive wondered a coupe times if i could possibly have NPD but again im hesitant to say without therapist input and also the empathy thing is rly big and also i am not rly like actively manipulative whic ik is not a requirement but like im extremely deadset on being a 'good person' and doing the right things and this often js leads to me being hurt.. also most of these traits have become more extreme in direct relation to me becoming more popular of a musician lol even if niche, nad seeing more awful ppl and bad things and being bullied
"Selfish psyches cannot be sincerely intrinsically kind. Their morality is based more on "does this benefit me to do this good thing" rather than, " I really want to do the right thing here, because I feel for this issue/creature and it's the morally right thing to do.""

i do believe i do things because they are morally right to do even when im at a disadvantage or ppl will look down on me, like exposing the popular weirdo, that rly fucked things for me n i had to show a lot of vulneralbe things i said that i knew ppl would hate on me for but i did it bc i saw how awful he was to others, if it was jst me he hurt i could live with it but not when i saw it hurting so many other ppl who could not speak up for themselves

i may have some narcissistic traits or tendencies but im hesitant to say npd fullblown, still rly interesting though... even if i get anxious
oh and ALSO worth noting ive been diagnosed with bipolar 2 + mdd officially

 

[NormallyNeurotic]

i may have some narcissistic traits or tendencies but im hesitant to say npd fullblown, still rly interesting though... even if i get anxious
oh and ALSO worth noting ive been diagnosed with bipolar 2 + mdd officially

Honestly, one of the main reasons I asked is because so much of what you said relates to my NPD experience. I have had moments where I get desperately suicidal at the thought of being perceived as a bad person, especially since my dad was abusive too. It feels like life for me hinges on how likeable and "special" I am.

The thing about grandiosity is that the stereotypes of it being only "I'm better than you" are wrong. It's actually "I'm more (blank) than you." Seeing yourself as the most inferior person in the world, or the most impressive person in the world, are both types of grandiosity.

Unpacking my experience has been hard because I switch between wanting to be super normal and super special and unique. Sometimes having NPD can comfort me, make me feel "interesting," but other times I have a full-blown breakdown over how abnormal I am.

I have been told by people that I don't come off as a narc, but that's mostly because the general understanding of NPD is only a few variations of the disorder. I grew up as, amongst a few more "types," a "therapist friend" narcissist. I would constantly help people in an attempt to be praised and loved. I fucked up a lot of great friendships that way.

Here is my AMA thread where I go more onto detail on internal narcissistic feelings:

I have Narcissistic Personality Disorder (AMA)

Narcissism is definitely a touchy subject (I could talk more about that fact), but I figure that the best way to actually add nuance to a topic is to just... let people ask questions. So hi! I have NPD aka Narcissistic Personality Disorder. This is a lil snippet of my story: I developed the...

sanctioned-suicide.net

Also here is a song I greatly relate to, about narcissism (the musical artist has discussed having narcissism issues in his songs), some lyrics may relate to at least general narcissistic experiences. It's about fame, self-destruction, and wanting love (amongst other things), so...





I am so sorry your life has led to this situation for you

 

[luvpup]

Honestly, one of the main reasons I asked is because so much of what you said relates to my NPD experience. I have had moments where I get desperately suicidal at the thought of being perceived as a bad person, especially since my dad was abusive too. It feels like life for me hinges on how likeable and "special" I am.

The thing about grandiosity is that the stereotypes of it being only "I'm better than you" are wrong. It's actually "I'm more (blank) than you." Seeing yourself as the most inferior person in the world, or the most impressive person in the world, are both types of grandiosity.

Unpacking my experience has been hard because I switch between wanting to be super normal and super special and unique. Sometimes having NPD can comfort me, make me feel "interesting," but other times I have a full-blown breakdown over how abnormal I am.

I have been told by people that I don't come off as a narc, but that's mostly because the general understanding of NPD is only a few variations of the disorder. I grew up as, amongst a few more "types," a "therapist friend" narcissist. I would constantly help people in an attempt to be praised and loved. I fucked up a lot of great friendships that way.

Here is my AMA thread where I go more onto detail on internal narcissistic feelings:

I have Narcissistic Personality Disorder (AMA)

Narcissism is definitely a touchy subject (I could talk more about that fact), but I figure that the best way to actually add nuance to a topic is to just... let people ask questions. So hi! I have NPD aka Narcissistic Personality Disorder. This is a lil snippet of my story: I developed the...

sanctioned-suicide.net

Also here is a song I greatly relate to, about narcissism (the musical artist has discussed having narcissism issues in his songs), some lyrics may relate to at least general narcissistic experiences. It's about fame, self-destruction, and wanting love (amongst other things), so...





I am so sorry your life has led to this situation for you

i read some of the ama and i think i related to you saying your life feels like a performance, ive been feeling this more n more lately... its made me wanna stop talking to people
everything is starting to feel fake and even though i know there is a me it feels irrelevant

"i feel like im performing everytime i talk to ppl. i feel numb most of the time and js dont enjoy things the same
i love to talk and even thats become burdensome
doing good for others so i feel i have some good feeling or purpose, since, afterall i cant ever be happy on my own but even that too, falls apart.. especially the less i have to offer
everyone wants to die
shes (my mom) right, im not special
and she didnt cut herself when she was depressed
i am hollow
...
i dont feel like i can love
i dont know
i dont think i can properly anymore
i dont love anyone
i just feel hollow
all affection feels fake and performative
even now when im bitter n hurt n i think oh, why cant i use ppl too like they used me
but i just cant
cus how is it any fun pretending.. its not real then"

but i do feel bad for others and stuff a lot and am extremely picky about making sure i am a morally righteous person, but idk
i feel like i have a lot of repressed anger and jealousy part in due to that, i feel like i need to be the 'perfect victim' to be accepted
and its true, these things, being popular-ish, being good, its helped in some way with being accepted as a traumatized individual and not having to fight to be seen and forgiven for my illnesses and mental but its cost me so much and hurts so much and i dont even feel like i can talk to people anymore, it feels so fake so heavy so exhausting and i just feel like telling everyone to fuck off but i cant do that so i just have unfriended everyone so im not needlessly cruel just bc im burnt out. but then it hurts to keep the one person around who will give me affection or some sense of love but for me to know its fake or fetishizing but idk what else to do bc i dont wanna drag good people into my mental mess.

 

[NormallyNeurotic]

i feel like i have a lot of repressed anger and jealousy part in due to that, i feel like i need to be the 'perfect victim' to be accepted

Gosh I hate the "perfect victim" thing that society is obsessed with. We'll never be perfect victims, because that's not how humans work. And G-d forbid humans surivive/heal in messy ways.

I definitely relate to the "I wish I could be a bad person" thing. I seriously do wish sometimes that I could just snub people enough so that they'd leave me alone. What's the point of being a compassionate person when the people around you don't give a fuck? It feels easier to be nasty, but that doesn't take away the guilt or care we feel for people so it would be just another way to fuck up. You deserve people on your side to support you.