I'm hated by everyone

[TheLastGreySky]

So, I've been dealing with depression my entire life, I'm 33 now and if you've followed any of my previous posts you'll probably know what's hanging over my head.

Well currently I'm unemployed and living with my girlfriend and we're supposed to get a place together on Thursday. We're staying with her family atm. I haven't been able to get a job because I fail every background check that I take. I'm an A box felon and people act like I'm a monster because I made very bad choices when I was younger, and honestly my GF's mother and grandmother think I'm a loser.
Hell, maybe I am.

All I've ever known how to do was play music and draw. Jobwise I've only ever been good at factory work and I've had no luck for the past five months. I'm fighting a custody and a legal case at the same time and it's a nightmare.

I'm writing today because I'm considering letting go. I love my gf with all my heart, but I hate myself. I feel like I'm bringing her done with me. And I got her a job and a car, but I'm just the brains. She's the one giving her all everyday. And when I talk to people they say I'm making excuses.

If I ended my life, she's the only one who would miss me, but maybe she would have a better life without me. I mean ... How long could she really love me for after I'm gone?

 

[iw2live_idkhow]

Someone I love killed themselves 3 years ago leaving me here alone, and I still think about them daily. Some days it's crippling. You won't be able to avoid hurting her, but there's always going to be someone affected by your death. I mean someone has to find you after all. It's inherently a selfish choice, but if you need to make it for yourself then that's what you need to do right?

I would also say it's unfair to say you're bringing her down with you. She's an adult, she can make her own choices, and she's chosen to be with you. She's old enough to understand everything that entails.

 

[TheLastGreySky]

Someone I love killed themselves 3 years ago leaving me here alone, and I still think about them daily. Some days it's crippling. You won't be able to avoid hurting her, but there's always going to be someone affected by your death. I mean someone has to find you after all. It's inherently a selfish choice, but if you need to make it for yourself then that's what you need to do right?

I would also say it's unfair to say you're bringing her down with you. She's an adult, she can make her own choices, and she's chosen to be with you. She's old enough to understand everything that entails.

I appreciate you saying that and she is an adult. I'm just so tired of being a fuck up. I feel like I don't have a way to contribute to our life. I am fighting a custody case that IF I lose my children will be orphaned and on the other side of that I have my ex wife claiming I broke a court order through Facebook just because she believes if I go away they won't terminate her parental rights even though she was found to of been beating them.

Last time I was at court they told me I failed my kids. And I know in my heart that I did, but the courts haven't given me ANY visitation and I am jumping through all their hoops and my girlfriend is going through all this with me. I guess I feel like I'm a burden.

 

[iw2live_idkhow]

I appreciate you saying that and she is an adult. I'm just so tired of being a fuck up. I feel like I don't have a way to contribute to our life. I am fighting a custody case that IF I lose my children will be orphaned and on the other side of that I have my ex wife claiming I broke a court order through Facebook just because she believes if I go away they won't terminate her parental rights even though she was found to of been beating them.

Last time I was at court they told me I failed my kids. And I know in my heart that I did, but the courts haven't given me ANY visitation and I am jumping through all their hoops and my girlfriend is going through all this with me. I guess I feel like I'm a burden.

Oh gosh, that's absolutely horrible to go through. I don't know why someone would bring life into the world just to be violent to it. I hope you have good luck with your case.

 

[Dejected 55]

I don't know if this will make any difference to you, but I think being hated is better than being irrelevant. I feel irrelevant. I don't matter to anyone and nothing I say or do matters. I will be forgotten easily and quickly and life will go on for anyone who ever knew me. Most will not even think of me ever again.

I can't speak to your past or how you have worked to overcome it. I can imagine lots of struggle involved there in trying to move past previous mistakes. I don't envy you that. But as long as you do have someone in your life who seems to care about you and you have other people who hate (rather than are indifferent) towards you, I'd say you have a chance if you can keep your spirit up.

 

[TheLastGreySky]

I don't know if this will make any difference to you, but I think being hated is better than being irrelevant. I feel irrelevant. I don't matter to anyone and nothing I say or do matters. I will be forgotten easily and quickly and life will go on for anyone who ever knew me. Most will not even think of me ever again.

I can't speak to your past or how you have worked to overcome it. I can imagine lots of struggle involved there in trying to move past previous mistakes. I don't envy you that. But as long as you do have someone in your life who seems to care about you and you have other people who hate (rather than are indifferent) towards you, I'd say you have a chance if you can keep your spirit up.

I understand what you're saying. I'm good at getting partners but all my 'friends' are fake. So, I know that I don't matter to them. I honestly have no idea how to make real friends as an adult and it's sad. Like, hey can I be your friend? Idk know you, but I'm down to be someone's support if they'll do the same.

 

[Dejected 55]

I understand what you're saying. I'm good at getting partners but all my 'friends' are fake. So, I know that I don't matter to them. I honestly have no idea how to make real friends as an adult and it's sad. Like, hey can I be your friend? Idk know you, but I'm down to be someone's support if they'll do the same.

I don't know if I ever had any real friends. Some I moved away and lost contact so they didn't have a chance to hurt me, so maybe those were okay... but any friend I had for a length of time, eventually I realized I was just their convenient friend for when they didn't have better things going on. I don't bother trying to make friends anymore, I lost the point or the value in it. So I get that.

I would be perfectly fine with a relationship if it were possible for me to have one, but clearly it is not... so now I have to give up on that too. Just having one soul in my corner loving me and caring about me like that, honestly would make all the other crap SO much easier to deal with if I wasn't alone.

 

[TheLastGreySky]

I don't know if I ever had any real friends. Some I moved away and lost contact so they didn't have a chance to hurt me, so maybe those were okay... but any friend I had for a length of time, eventually I realized I was just their convenient friend for when they didn't have better things going on. I don't bother trying to make friends anymore, I lost the point or the value in it. So I get that.

I would be perfectly fine with a relationship if it were possible for me to have one, but clearly it is not... so now I have to give up on that too. Just having one soul in my corner loving me and caring about me like that, honestly would make all the other crap SO much easier to deal with if I wasn't alone.

Respectfully, being lonely is the worst reason to get into a relationship. You tend to overinvest in someone else when really you have to prioritize investing in yourself. I still feel lonely even when I'm next to my partner and it's something I would never tell her, but there's loneliness is internal.
It can't be fixed with anything other than nurturing my own soul. And I really don't know if it's worth it.

You seem like a kind person and you definitely deserve all the real friends you get to find and more.

 

[Dejected 55]

Respectfully, being lonely is the worst reason to get into a relationship. You tend to overinvest in someone else when really you have to prioritize investing in yourself. I still feel lonely even when I'm next to my partner and it's something I would never tell her, but there's loneliness is internal.
It can't be fixed with anything other than nurturing my own soul. And I really don't know if it's worth it.

You seem like a kind person and you definitely deserve all the real friends you get to find and more.

I'm not trying to find someone to fix me, though. I went over 20 years between asking anyone out. If I were desperate just to be with someone, anyone, then I would be asking people out all the time trying anything and everything just to get into whatever relationship I could, and I agree that would be bad. But it's not what I'm doing.

I tend to be a loner until I meet someone that I find interesting. I get to know her and become attracted to her. Then I ask her out after I already know I like her. So it obviously hurts more because I have an attachment. I'm not just trying to ask any warm body and going for sex as soon as possible like men are basically taught to do.

I know I could live my life alone and I do all the things I need to do for a person to survive alone. But I don't want to just survive. I want to thrive. I want to love and to share, and that requires a partner. I would like to have had children, again requiring a partner. There are so many things that require a partner that I cannot ever do.

All of the "focus on yourself" stuff is crap from people who either already are in a relationship or don't want to be in one. Nobody in love ever says that kind of stuff to someone who is alone because they know how much their life would suck if they lost the love of their life.

I'm tired of always being alone and lonely. I don't need to own or control or smother anyone. She could have her own things too... but we'd always know we were there for each other when needed and wanted. That's what I don't have. That's what I can't have.

 

[TheLastGreySky]

I've lost the so-called loves of my life twice.
I'm 33 but I was married at 17 until I was 28 and she left me. That hurt me in ways in which I can't really describe unless you've been there. Then my ex-fiancee cheated me while I was incarcerated and I've never felt so hurt and betrayed before. Like I've never loved anyone the way I loved her.

I've been in a relationship for about 4 or 5 months and before I got with her I was on a bender just racking up that body count sleeping with three girls a week sometimes and other times three girls a day. And I got to tell you, that I 100% agree with you there are some things you can only do in a relationship. But so many people are ungrateful and just not looking to build a life with someone.
When I met my current girlfriend I took her to the zoo for this Christmas lights festival and she was super happy. Which I was surprised she actually enjoyed half as much as she did because there's a age gap between us. But I honestly wasn't expecting anyone to love me the way she's loved me.

So I'm sorry if it came off as self-help crap.
I just know that I had to go through probably at least a dozen fake people so I found someone who actually gives so much as a fuck about me.
And excuse my language but I feel that needs to be emphasized.
You're free to do whatever you like and and I honor whatever you choose to be best for your life,
But man to man... You gotta hunt and that's the hardest thing. I'm so afraid of getting attached it's sincerely wild. but anyway, I appreciate you talking to me and I appreciate you. If you ever feel like talking don't hesitate to email me

 

[Dejected 55]

No worries. I was just clarifying my point of view in case it wasn't before. At 55 and still never been in any kind of a relationship and only made it to a second date twice... blah blah I don't want to keep boring people rehashing my sad life... but the thing is, my "next" relationship would be my first one. And after the experience I just had that tore me apart just trying to get into a relationship... I'm not doing it again. I'm too old to be trying to find a first love, and though I was trying last year to do just that... failing miserably at what should have been the best chance I ever had... just informs me that giving up is something I should have done decades ago.

 

[TheLastGreySky]

I understand the mindset, but I don't want to drag on. I relate to this, and yet I'm also blessed to of made certain choices while I was younger. You've given me a lot to reflect on