I’m going to ctb because of my eating disorder

[foggy]

I can't do this anymore. I have OSFED and cycle through all kinds of disordered eating. It was restricting, over-exercising, purging, now I'm bingeing every. Single. Day. I've had this disorder for 10 years with no sign of it going away. I can't do this anymore. I can't stand the body dysmorphia, the constant binge/restrict cycle, the feelings of being fat and unlovable, how shit my body feels all the time.

Of course this isn't my only reason. But it's kind of like, my last straw. I can't keep doing this. I can't stand one more day. I've had SN for months, waiting, and tomorrow's an opportune time. Im so tired of this. There's no recovery for me.

 

[Lily (Osako)]

I'm so sorry you're suffering.
Sending you love.

 

[damaged_soul]

I feel you. I hate being hungry all the time, I hate my slow metabolism, I hate my period for interfering with my weight loss, I hate my genetics for giving me the worst possible body type, I hate how food has so many calories, I hate how hard it is to lose weight, I hate constantly losing and regaining the same 5 pounds, I hate how I can't tell anyone about my issues due to the possibility of being forced into "recovery", and most of all I hate my fat disgusting body.

 

[FuneralCry]

I cannot even imagine how hard it must be what you are going through. It really is such a cruel existence. I hope that you find freedom from your situation as none of us should ever have to endure such suffering.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I'm so sorry you are trapped in this vicious cycle and for such a long time. I can understand that it must feel like an impossible battle. I do respect your wishes should you decide you want to ctb but I wanted to share some of my thoughts and experiences in case you decide to keep going.

I've never actually been diagnosed with an eating disorder but I would say I do have a very poor relationship with food and I am extremely prone to the urge to binge eat. My diets have frequently been obsessive- one way or another.

I do understand and deeply sympathise with how hard it is to overcome the urges to restrict or binge. However, I do firmly believe that restricting LEADS to binging. I'm so frustrated that I can't find the reference now but I'll try and summarise what I learnt- we are still very much influenced by the primal side of our brains. When we restrict food, our brains believe we are starving- they don't see it as a choice- they simply think that food has become scarce. So, when we start eating again, we become overwhelmed with the urge to eat as much as we can- to get us through the next period of starvation- should it come along.

I do completely get that a period of restricting sometimes happens as a kind of guilt response after having a binge but I think it helps to understand some of the psychology behind it- that you're not weak for giving in to a binge- you're having to fight off your primal brain that believes it is in a fight to keep you from starving and dying.

Therefore, if you possibly can, I think the initial steps to break the cycle are to try to stop yourself restricting in the first place and to allow yourself to eat- even- and especially following a binge. I think the urge to binge will still be there from time to time but hopefully, not as strongly.

I actually lost 5 stone following a no sugar and low carbohydrate diet for 2 years and, after about a month in, a lot of the cravings for junk food had gone. The food industry are quite frankly monsters in my opinion. They deliberately overload our food with sugar and salt- which make you crave more. I found it helped me to cut down as much as possible on these processed foods.

I have put most of the weight back on now unfortunately and I still don't have a great relationship with food, although it is a little better than it used to be. (Slightly less obsessive at least).

I really sympathise with your struggle and I hope you are able to find peace.