I'm Gatekeeping

[uienringptr]

I 100% agree that people should be able to go whenever they feel it is their time. One has as much a right to die as they do to live. I think we should have access to the end of our lives. I think we should be able to talk about ending it without fear of "help".

I just really don't want to lose someone I care about. I want to be selfish and I want to keep her here. I want to act like leaving isn't an option. I want to tell her that I know it hurts. I wish I could say I need her here for me. I KNOW that's manipulative and I KNOW it doesn't get better for everyone and I wouldn't want to stay for anyone else when I know that life is not going anywhere good. I know if I was in her place I probably would have already gone by now because I am in a BAD BAD place but nothing compared to her situation and I admire her for pushing through even though she wants to go. She told me she had a plan that she didn't tell me about. I don't know what it was and I didn't ask questions because she told me she's okay now and that was the end of the conversation.

I am the worst hypocrite... because I really hope she didn't find this website or anything similar. I hope she didn't do her research. I hope that if she does try she doesn't try hard enough to make any permanent damage. Obviously I don't want her to be left off worse if she did try though.

If I was her, I would want out. If someone told me they understood my pain yet wouldn't let me decide whether to stay or go - I would be upset. I don't know how much of a good or bad person this thought makes me but I don't care anymore. I'm not going to tell her she has to stay but I'm also not going to tell her that I think it's okay for her to go if she needs to.

I don't want any more pain. I just want a little longer with her.

Wishing doesn't do anyone any good, but it would be so much better if none of us ended up in this position in the first place. It is so dark and it is so lonely and it is so hard.

I wish I had a way out myself... actually. I don't know where to get the stuff to end it and I'm too scared to ask.

 

[FuneralCry]

It is understandable not wanting to lose someone as loss can be devastating but I personally believe that we all have the right to exit at a time of our own choosing, and it is selfish to expect someone to suffer against their wishes. It is up to the person as it is their life and their decision. I'm sorry you are in this situation. I know that it can be dreadful living a life filled with suffering and misery. I wish you the best in whatever happens.

 

[Ada]

Talking about suicidal thoughts does not make it more likely for people to commit sucide. It is perfectly safe for you to talk to her about this, and telling her that you have similar feelings may actually help her a lot.