I’m constantly disgusted with myself

[burninghill]

I'm a horrible and ungrateful person. My posts probably sound so repetitive but it's all I think about. I had a 'joking' conversation with my boyfriend today where I made a joke about killing myself and he told me I was never allowed to do that and that he wasn't sure what he'd do without me. That he wouldn't be happy.

I really do think I'm a horrible person. I'm surrounded by love and support and I still want to die. I don't even really have that many bad days, bad nights sure but everyone feels like shit after 9pm. I just have this weird, all encompassing compulsion that I don't even really want to get rid of.

I'm going to kill myself no matter how much they love me

More than anything I just wish I had a better reason to want to die. I wish I had the balls to do it right now or better yet, I wish I succeeded back in November. I knew I'd be back in this position again and I still backed out. I'm a fucking idiot.

I wish I was just a totally different person. I'd chew all of my limbs off if it meant I could bleed out and wake up a deserving person. I hate myself so much. I don't realise how insecure I am until moments like these when I'm thinking about how I wish I was different and I start to understand that there really is no part of me I'd keep the same. I'm horrible on the inside and the outside.

Even if I wanted to change it doesn't fucking matter. This is exactly what was planned from me the moment I was born. I'm living just to kill myself and I know it. I wouldn't have these thoughts at all if they weren't what God wanted and maybe by killing myself I'd finally be doing something exactly the way it's supposed to happen and at least someone can get something good out of this failure of a life

 

[interna]

i relate 2 much....... hugs

 

[E4syW3y0u7]

Same ideas ,broke a few mirrors because of it...

 

[The Disqualified]

I'm a horrible and ungrateful person. My posts probably sound so repetitive but it's all I think about. I had a 'joking' conversation with my boyfriend today where I made a joke about killing myself and he told me I was never allowed to do that and that he wasn't sure what he'd do without me. That he wouldn't be happy.

Hi. I came back recently and am happy to see you alive. I remember you.
No worry about the posts being repetitive. Mine certainly are too, lol, extremely so, but I don't care.
You got a boyfriend? I don't remember that.

You say you are a horrible and ungrateful person. It seems you hate yourself. I can relate to that, as I also hate myself. Deep down I know I do.
This feeling isn't based on evidence though. People in real life have told me I am kind, and I don't think they are lying.
I know you are just a stranger online, and I don't know much about you, but I would still bet on you not being a horrible person at all over the claim that you are. You probably are extremely overwhelmed just like I am.

Even if I wanted to change it doesn't fucking matter. This is exactly what was planned from me the moment I was born. I'm living just to kill myself and I know it. I wouldn't have these thoughts at all if they weren't what God wanted and maybe by killing myself I'd finally be doing something exactly the way it's supposed to happen and at least someone can get something good out of this failure of a life

I hear you. Please, don't do anything impulsively. You don't deserve any of this. None of us do. You aren't cursed by God.

I didn't know what was wrong with me for a long time and I am still figuring it out. You needn't minimize your own suffering. I think it starts on why you hate yourself that much to begin with. I am open to talk if you wish.

You seem to have a partner that cares about you. I wish I had that too. That's important.

I am barely holding on to my own life. But I felt a lot of empathy for you reading your posts...
You deserve a better life, even if you think you are a horrible person.
I will try re-reading the other ones as my memory is not that sharp, but I remember other posts of yours.

Also, I like your profile picture, cool to see another Asuka fan :)
Sending virtual hugs.

 

[dirkw83]

This is how I felt, I spent many nights kicking myself in the teeth..