Venting I’m an utter fuckup

[flutebloom]

I gave myself a chronic illness by being stupid and reckless four years ago.

Sometimes I think about what a waste killing myself is. Like if I hadn't ruined my life it would actually be worth something. I actually kind of love myself in a way. I value a lot of my qualities.

But these past 6 months have been hell for me and the first time I've become actually suicidal. In 2024 I was hospitalized twice because of psychosis. The second time they forced me on an injection medication that made me gain weight and atrophied my muscles. That same medication gave me severe depression and anhedonia and it's been four months since I stopped it but the side effects haven't gone away and they're truly unbearable. I want to crawl out of my skin every day.

I've lost all hope and even though I cherished my life for a long time, it's time for me to CTB. And it's quite literally all my fault that these things happened to me. It's just a chain of events that started with me and my utter selfishness and narcissism. Thinking I could basically challenge God is what led me here.

 

[Persik]

Are you fighting with God? You don't seem to deny Him, so I'll say that He will take you back if you decide to return. Do you know the parable of the prodigal son? Of course, the return will be difficult, but it already depends on your determination to do it.
How are you feeling right now?

 

[flutebloom]

Are you fighting with God? You don't seem to deny Him, so I'll say that He will take you back if you decide to return. Do you know the parable of the prodigal son? Of course, the return will be difficult, but it already depends on your determination to do it.
How are you feeling right now?

I don't deny God. I know God exists but I think we don't really understand who God is. I thought I did. I used to think God controlled everything but God is just a very strong force and sometimes it's hard to find it amongst all of the noise. There are evil forces in the world who can sometimes get in the way of God if you're not careful.

I'm not a Christian though.