Venting I'm afraid I'll do it again

[Capt. Mothfly]

I keep fighting it even though there is really nothing for me at all. Everything I do is for other people. And it kinda isn't enough to hold me back lately. The suffering is just too much. You know I had plans on actually doing something useful, like trying something so suicide would stop being a taboo, maybe even doing something for this website, helping people online, helping old people in my family. And whatsoever. My core family relies all on me. Even though there are other family members who could and should do something too. Yet they live their own lives and I'm here just being the only one "responsible".
I still love my friend whom I met few years ago and he rejected me a year ago and yesterday we talked about it and he said it wasn't about appearance, I'm just his "good loyal friend" and it's just not there apparently.
I just can't live like this. I could get hospitalized but then I would fail my family who rely on me and fail them and I don't want to live with even more pain.
I feel so sorry for my sibling who got kicked out because my mother's new boyfriend didn't like them. And I let them live with me but all they see is a broken person anyway. Sometimes I don't leave my bed at all and just cry and cry and cry. I'm sorry I won't be here for them anymore. Maybe I will but I lose the control, piece by piece, everyday. And I'm afraid it's a matter of days before I lose my senses completely and won't return back.