I’m a fuck up

[IwantSomething]

I'm on my friends bathroom floor having a panic attack with no way to end it. I should have killed myself sooner but I fucked up everytime and now I'm here with no way out. I hate myself so completely and totally I wish somewhere along the road I had done something to end it. Why am I such a failure I can't even kill myself right. I am such a fuckup I am worthless and horrible and I hate myself and I should be dead. Why am I not dead. There were so many times I should have died during childhood. But I'm not dead. How? Why? If there's a god I hope that they pray to me for mercy once I die. Because I swear that if there's anything after this life I will hurt them for what they have put me through. That sounds stupid doesn't it me a mortal wanting to fight a god I don't believe in? I suppose that's not important right now though. What matters right now is me getting out of this life. I don't have a gun (I can't because of my past) I don't have money to buy pills or drugs I could OD on. I don't have a car or a license. I live in a small town with nowhere to jump from. And I can't hang myself in someone's else's house. I'm living from couch to couch at this point and I'm a piece of shit for it. I'm leeching off of people and then leaving them. But I can't stay they shouldn't have to deal with me. I don't know how to do it. But I will soon. Somehow. I hate myself why am I even still alive.

 

[FuneralCry]

It does seem as though life is just constant suffering with no relief. I understand the feeling of being desperate to leave. Ctb really shouldn't be this difficult, it's unfair how we cannot just exit peacefully and easily. We have already endured enough pain. I hope that you find freedom from your situation.

 

[chronicallybroken]

How and where are you now? Have things calmed down a bit?

 

[Poor Stargazer]

It sucks when you dont live inside of the lines a fake reality creates for you. They say your value as a human is contingent upon slaving away for some already rich asshole, or youre not a person if you cant drive. From the time we are born people put labels on us. Youre a man, youre white, youre a xtian, they have all of these expectations they put on us and try to make us feel bad for not being any of their labels. Im tired of this shit. I totally feel your pain and im sorry.

 

[IwantSomething]

How and where are you now? Have things calmed down a bit?

I'm still staying at the friends house. And I'm fine now not fine in a good way fine in the way of this is my normal sure I hate myself and actively wish I was dead but at least I'm not sobbing and hyperventilating.

 

[Gardener59]

I have always been afraid I would fail if I attempted so I never tried. I even bought a gun one time and wrote out a plan but didn't carry it through because I I know there is that probability I could have been found and had to endure an even worse reality after the fact. So I still live every day and pretend the world I am okay even though I am not. I always hate myself and wish the next morning that I wouldn't wake up. No matter how hard I try it seems all I do is disappoint God and everyone around me. Glad you aren't hyperventilating now. Just know you aren't alone. So many of us wish to no longer exist.