I know I'm not the only one, so I hope people can relate to some things.
They're weird, mixed feelings.
It started a few years ago when after attempting, I was diagnosed depressed (thanks captain obvious). I had to go to therapy, take medicines, etc. I was.. Better..? Or at least I felt better for a moment. Then out of nowhere it came back. This time I've hidden it well enough to not be taken back to the hospital, get a treatment etc. With time the suicidal thoughts came back too, and ever since I've been looking for ways, preparing myself and questioning people about it.
And now I'm here, I know how I wanna go, I know when I'll have a shot at it, and I'm convinced I can do it. But the fact is, I've never been able to do it. I tried jumping: scared of heights. I tried medicines: wasn't enough (+ scared to even get them). And soon I'll try SN, which I hope will be enough.
Meanwhile, I'm obviously thinking about all of this and.. Sometimes I get overwhelmed by my own thoughts and can't resolve to leave everything behind suddenly. I feel like I've too much things going on to simply quit. Yet, this is the only thing I want. Until then I've told myself that if I couldn't do it, then at least I'll not do anything to prevent it if something happens. If a car crash happens, go ahead, I won't move out of the way. Someone shoots me out of nowhere (even though it's almost impossible in my country)? Too bad, I died. I want to, but I won't be able to do it by myself. Everything is conflicting in my mind and it's resulting in those mixed feelings, it confusing me so much.
At the same time I want to, but I also want to do x in the future, and I would like to be x one day too.. How can those thoughts coexist at the same time? How can I want and prepare to die and hope for stuff in the future? It feels like I'm forcing myself to. I have a good situation, a few good friends and all, but I just don't feel like staying with this mind. Again, it's. Weird.
After all that, I came to the conclusion that what kills the most is the brain/mind itself. It's a crazy powerful thing, mechanism? I don't even know what it is, but it has way so much power to be able to kill itself, it's crazy.
They're weird, mixed feelings.
It started a few years ago when after attempting, I was diagnosed depressed (thanks captain obvious). I had to go to therapy, take medicines, etc. I was.. Better..? Or at least I felt better for a moment. Then out of nowhere it came back. This time I've hidden it well enough to not be taken back to the hospital, get a treatment etc. With time the suicidal thoughts came back too, and ever since I've been looking for ways, preparing myself and questioning people about it.
And now I'm here, I know how I wanna go, I know when I'll have a shot at it, and I'm convinced I can do it. But the fact is, I've never been able to do it. I tried jumping: scared of heights. I tried medicines: wasn't enough (+ scared to even get them). And soon I'll try SN, which I hope will be enough.
Meanwhile, I'm obviously thinking about all of this and.. Sometimes I get overwhelmed by my own thoughts and can't resolve to leave everything behind suddenly. I feel like I've too much things going on to simply quit. Yet, this is the only thing I want. Until then I've told myself that if I couldn't do it, then at least I'll not do anything to prevent it if something happens. If a car crash happens, go ahead, I won't move out of the way. Someone shoots me out of nowhere (even though it's almost impossible in my country)? Too bad, I died. I want to, but I won't be able to do it by myself. Everything is conflicting in my mind and it's resulting in those mixed feelings, it confusing me so much.
At the same time I want to, but I also want to do x in the future, and I would like to be x one day too.. How can those thoughts coexist at the same time? How can I want and prepare to die and hope for stuff in the future? It feels like I'm forcing myself to. I have a good situation, a few good friends and all, but I just don't feel like staying with this mind. Again, it's. Weird.
After all that, I came to the conclusion that what kills the most is the brain/mind itself. It's a crazy powerful thing, mechanism? I don't even know what it is, but it has way so much power to be able to kill itself, it's crazy.
