I’m a bad person who’s scared to die.

[RedFruit]

As the title says. I truly am not a good person. I have good traits, sure. I can do good things, yes. But I can also do terrible things. I smacked my ex across the face during an argument at a club. Hard. The only person who might ever love me. But it's over now. It's been over for a long time, but he hates me now. There's so many more things I've done in life that make me a horrible person and partner. No matter what I do, though, I can't go through with CTB. I have the means to hang myself at the very least, and I can't for selfish reasons. Life has gotten to painful though that I don't want to keep living. I wish i could just die somehow. I do drugs for fun; so I hope I have an OD. I hope I fall during a walk and hit my head or cross the street and get pummeled by a car. I just hope I die soon because I don't know if I'll ever have the balls to do it on my own. No matter how much I feel I should die.

 

[hizuchan]

Sometimes, we do very bad things we deeply regret, but not all of us have the courage to face them. It's first and the hardest step towards understanding yourself better.
I think you're very brave for admitting it, even though I know you feel terrible about it.