Im 21 and ive never had sex before

[jawdropped123]

Im fucking 21 and im still a virgin. After my sexual assault i was unable to give it a try again. But if i ever give it a try again i want it to feel exactly like my assault. I dont know if this is trauma and i dont know how to cope with it anyways. Deep down i feel guilty and disgusted but i want to feel more of that. I wish that he would hit me harder

 

[hexesandcurses]

I'm really sorry about your assault and your conflicting feelings surrounding this. I also have those types of feelings towards sex and violence due to traumatic events from before. I know that it is a trauma response, especially if the abuse happened during childhood, because your brain begins to confuse abuse with comfort, with attention, and you want more of those things. It also plays with your self image and self worth. I believe I deserve to be abused, so I desire it.

I used to believe I was insane because one of my fantasies was being r*ped. I talked about it with a therapist after lots and lots of coaxing and only over texts so we wouldn't have to see each other, and then was told that I was 1. Not crazy or gross and 2. What it was is that I believed the only way someone could want me was by force.

I still get these thoughts and more, but now I don't berate myself like I did before. I acknowledge them, try to understand what's inside them, and then comfort myself.

I don't know if this will help, if it's similar to your issue, but I want you to know you're always welcome to talk about it and that you're not alone in this. Thank you for sharing your feelings and I hope you find peace someday.

 

[Life_and_Death]

im just gonna say much like @hexesandcurses said, youre not alone. since my "problem" at 16 ive experienced the same thing

 

[Someone123]

Im fucking 21 and im still a virgin. After my sexual assault i was unable to give it a try again. But if i ever give it a try again i want it to feel exactly like my assault. I dont know if this is trauma and i dont know how to cope with it anyways. Deep down i feel guilty and disgusted but i want to feel more of that. I wish that he would hit me harder

You were conditioned like this from this experience, but if you have some good experiences without abuse this desire will likely go away.

 

[hopeless302]

my heart goes out to everyone who has gone through this. Even now, I feel sick thinking of some of the things that happened in the past, and that makes it difficult for me to forge romantic relationships with others. But with time, and the right person, maybe these anxieties will eventually fade away...

 

[Walilamdzii]

I've been sexually assaulted 4 times, and I have slept with over 20 people. I wish I had only slept with one honestly.

 

[theboy]

Oh, I hope you feel better and can heal from your trauma.

 

[Jimblue]

I have been sexual assault by different people.

In my last job, I have been sexual assault by my patients and my supervisor think that's my fault.

 

[Nazca]

Im fucking 21 and im still a virgin. After my sexual assault i was unable to give it a try again. But if i ever give it a try again i want it to feel exactly like my assault. I dont know if this is trauma and i dont know how to cope with it anyways. Deep down i feel guilty and disgusted but i want to feel more of that. I wish that he would hit me harder

Its trauma reenactment and its okay. Some people reenact their trauma in a totally safe manner. Roleplay is fine, though not always the healthiest way to deal with things.
Do you want to have sex in an intimate way?