Illness/injury unmanageable part. sus.

[jackiebrown67]

I dont know how long I've got, I've got this injury that happened like three years ago that as it turns out has debilitating effects. I've dealt with depression in my life before, had suicidal thoughts and I've always pulled through. Ive accomplished a lot based on where I've come from. This injury and its effects, I just don't want to deal with it. I know other people have dealt with it before and people that are paralyzed but, I just dont want to, even for my family. Im not married and I dont have kids. I worry about how this will affect the people around me but, they dont have to live my life. It makes me sad, I had goals. I wanted to be the first one in my family to make it in life, so that I could take care of my parents, buy a home. This injury has forced me to reconcile with not being able to live a full life, its very scary. Im not a religious person but, what is really there after death? They have those ghost chaser shows yknow. I've dealt with suicidal ideation before but, its like, Im so close to taking action that it makes me want to fight for my life, or whats left of it but, I just know I will be miserable. I used to be such a happy person, so understanding and an addition to any environment that I am in. Its almost a no brainer to ctb, due to this illness. It has the potential for me to be alive longer disabled, than healthy. I wish I could live but, I view it as a fatal car accident, they didnt know they were going to die, I did not know that I would have to deal with this, its unexpected. The decision, I view it as putting a dog down, putting myself out of looming doom and misery. It feels different than the usual suicidal thoughts because it is definite, Ive been dealing with major symptoms for the last six to eight months, Ive been very serious about it and it makes me excited, anxious because it is so real and unavoidable. Its like, let this be the last thing that I can do for myself without assistance. I wont be able to do this later on because of the debilitating factor. I tried to just fall asleep in my car from CO2 poisoning, that seemed easy and peaceful enough, but its really not that easy. Its the final decision. Since its not that easy, I've done some research and chosen the celebrity method. Like Anthony Bourdain and a few others. I am grateful to this site because they have civil discourse on the fact of ctb. Most of these other sites just want to talk you out of it, thats it. Its not enough. Its not harming others, sans the grief caused. But, like I said, they dont have to live my life. I could understand preventing people with solely mental health problems from wanting to delete themselves but, this is physically debilitating. I already dont have enough support as it is and have felt the sting of people distancing themselves from me already. I just dont want to do it, live like that, disabled. Im talking about partial suspension, it seems the most accessible. I havent tested it out yet, Ive done research and as far as I can tell, its mainly about stopping the carotid arteries and keeping the ligature high up towards the top of your neck. Its not as peaceful as I would like, I expect some suffering, your suffocating yourself, your brain. Still, it seems the better choice than living a miserable, disabled life. If anybody has any tips on that method, I would appreciate it. Any other helpful words, please talk to me, I really dont have much time, I can feel the symptoms seeping in. Thanks for listening and for any responses.

 

[rainy.tears]

I'm so sorry you're suffering so much. I know it's hard to think of the pain others will feel when you ctb but as you say, they're not the ones who have to live your life and live with the injury and the effects it has on you. It's so hard wanting to live and to keep going but knowing that your illness makes that impossible. I'm going through that too.

I wish there was a way for you to be healed by some miracle and for you to be able to live on. I'm sorry you have to go through this. It's so hard having to end your own life - I wish there was an easy, peaceful way to go. Sending hugs

 

[Lazuli]

I have no tips to share but I read your post, and while our "cases" are different, it's easy to commiserate with yours.
Peaceful methods are scarce these days. Just try to aim for loss of consciousness as quickly as possible.

 

[thehorizons]

I can relate to your post more than the other posts on here. I've experienced bouts of depressions, but often could overcome them. I think we're in the subset group on this site that have 'real' problems, not the mental ones. This isn't a criticism of people with mental illnesses – my friend has depression and I may not understand him, but that's the way he was wired. He's not suicidal though, at least I don't think.

When things were looking up in my life, I suffered from post-acute withdrawal syndrome from just a week of a low-dose use of a benzo. It's been 8 months now and I can't sleep properly. On top of that I was just diagnosed with oral cancer, so having surgery is going to be an issue for me in the future, as anesthesia would set my neurological condition back. I'm exactly like you in many respects. I'm going to have to find a way this year and it makes me sick to have to plan my CTB (I'm going to have to do this before the disease kills me and it's a race against the clock). I realize what this would do to my parents, but in the long-term it's better even though emotionally it's not. They're going to have make peace with their fate, as I have made peace with mine.

I hope you, I, and the rest of the people in this group can find our peace soon. I know I'll probably get some SI (if I'm 'fortunate' enough to get to that point of obtaining the resources), but it's going to be lower I think when the time comes because I'll know I'm making the right decision. This is why I think some people have lower SI than others on this site, especially people in our group cause they know there's only one way out really.