Leonard_Bangley39
I am a rock. I am an island
- Nov 6, 2025
- 358
No matter what, I feel as though I will never be happy. No natter how hard I work, no matter how hard I try to tell myself otherwise, no matter how much I try to distract and dissociate myself, in my head all I can ever hear is just one thing. "I'm a bad person". Over and over, on repeat. Every single day.
Anytime I look at myself in the mirror, I hate what I see looking back at me. I think that nobody would ever want to look at this face. And so far, nobody has. I've never been able to look at myself and see anything positive. Im a failure.
Everyone what in my family has done great things. They had great friends, traveled around, had relationships, got married, had kids, got really good degrees and jobs. And then there's me, the failure with nothing. Often times I wish I never grew up with siblings. Or at least, with brothers instead of just sisters. I feel as though i can't relate with them in any way possible, despite is an having grown up in the same house with the same family.
It tears away at my mind anytime I think about it. All I can ever do is blame myself, because when you get down to it, it's all my fault. I could've always tried harder, but I didn't. It just makes me hate myself more, for being a worthless piece of shit who can't even do anything to improve himself, despite having himself so much.
I don't deserve happiness, I don't deserve love, I don't deserve anything good. I don't have anyone i can actually talk about these kind of things with because even when people try and say that i can always talk to them, I know that deep down they don't want to hear it.
Time and time again whenever i tried to talk to people about these things, all that would happen is i would vent to them, they would give some empty meaningless words, theyd get uncomfortable, and then eventually they'd leave because nobody wants to be around someone who isnt perfectly ok all the time.
Everyone is a liar. They just want to say that they'll always be there so they can jerk off their egos and make themselves feel all nice and moral. But as soon as the moment for them to actually be there comes, they get uncomfortable and can never understand.
My mere presence pushes people away. I dont have any irl friends, so i spend a majority of my time online, especially discord. anytime i say anything in the server im in, everyone iust goes quiet. I know that probably just cause not everyone is as active or online as i am, but that doesnt srop me from feeling like its because of me. because nobody wants to talk around me.
I wish i could just blow my brains out ronnie mcnutt style. i havent self harmed for over 88 days today. Ever since I accidentally cut too hard and hit a vein in my arm and had to get stitches, the thought of cutting has always sent a crawling feeling through my skin and gives me chills. and yet still, i feel like i just need something. something to hurt bad. not some pussy harm reduction shit like the rubber bands or ice. like searing my arms with a glowing hot metal rod. but i funny have anything like that, so all i can do is ruminate on everything.
i could have the best job on earth, i could have a million dollars, i could have every person on earch cheering my name and lining up at my door just to say hi to me and i would still hate myself, because ill always be worthless. ill always be a terrible person in my eyes. i have never done anything in my life that i can consider good. i have never done anything praiseworthy. never achieved anything.
i feel like i wasnt meant for this world. like im never where i belong. no matter what circle i try surrounding myself with, i never relate to anyone, i never connect with anyone, i never fit in anywhere.
Anytime I look at myself in the mirror, I hate what I see looking back at me. I think that nobody would ever want to look at this face. And so far, nobody has. I've never been able to look at myself and see anything positive. Im a failure.
Everyone what in my family has done great things. They had great friends, traveled around, had relationships, got married, had kids, got really good degrees and jobs. And then there's me, the failure with nothing. Often times I wish I never grew up with siblings. Or at least, with brothers instead of just sisters. I feel as though i can't relate with them in any way possible, despite is an having grown up in the same house with the same family.
It tears away at my mind anytime I think about it. All I can ever do is blame myself, because when you get down to it, it's all my fault. I could've always tried harder, but I didn't. It just makes me hate myself more, for being a worthless piece of shit who can't even do anything to improve himself, despite having himself so much.
I don't deserve happiness, I don't deserve love, I don't deserve anything good. I don't have anyone i can actually talk about these kind of things with because even when people try and say that i can always talk to them, I know that deep down they don't want to hear it.
Time and time again whenever i tried to talk to people about these things, all that would happen is i would vent to them, they would give some empty meaningless words, theyd get uncomfortable, and then eventually they'd leave because nobody wants to be around someone who isnt perfectly ok all the time.
Everyone is a liar. They just want to say that they'll always be there so they can jerk off their egos and make themselves feel all nice and moral. But as soon as the moment for them to actually be there comes, they get uncomfortable and can never understand.
My mere presence pushes people away. I dont have any irl friends, so i spend a majority of my time online, especially discord. anytime i say anything in the server im in, everyone iust goes quiet. I know that probably just cause not everyone is as active or online as i am, but that doesnt srop me from feeling like its because of me. because nobody wants to talk around me.
I wish i could just blow my brains out ronnie mcnutt style. i havent self harmed for over 88 days today. Ever since I accidentally cut too hard and hit a vein in my arm and had to get stitches, the thought of cutting has always sent a crawling feeling through my skin and gives me chills. and yet still, i feel like i just need something. something to hurt bad. not some pussy harm reduction shit like the rubber bands or ice. like searing my arms with a glowing hot metal rod. but i funny have anything like that, so all i can do is ruminate on everything.
i could have the best job on earth, i could have a million dollars, i could have every person on earch cheering my name and lining up at my door just to say hi to me and i would still hate myself, because ill always be worthless. ill always be a terrible person in my eyes. i have never done anything in my life that i can consider good. i have never done anything praiseworthy. never achieved anything.
i feel like i wasnt meant for this world. like im never where i belong. no matter what circle i try surrounding myself with, i never relate to anyone, i never connect with anyone, i never fit in anywhere.
