I'm ready. SN from DD. IC IS STILL WITH CUSTOMS AND I ORDERED THAT SHIT LIKE 20 DAYS AGO. But nonetheless,
Just had my final meal (McDonald's, I actually haven't eaten fast food in almost a year so I'm alright with it) and now I'll fast for the next 10~ hours until I take it around midnight.
I'm not following Stan's guide exactly as it doesn't mention when to take the benzos or propranolol or whatever and I know my body. The only part of it I'll follow is taking some Tylenol an hour before.
So here's my plan:
11pm - Take 1,000mg Tylenol.
11:30pm- take 100mg propranolol (I know the PPH says 400mg but Im prescribed 10mg and even when I took 20mg once my heart rate went so low and I was immensely dizzy standing up so I think 100mg will be fine, if not excessive) and one 200mg quetiapine as an antiemetic substitute. I would take my benzos for anxiety but quetiapine is used off label for anxiety/knocks you the fuck out & im not prescribed to it so it should do the job for both. I'll probably prep the drinks just before I take the quetiapine so I don't fall asleep beforehand cause sometimes it hits so fast.
12am - I bought a scale from DD as well so I'll have 2 cups of 25mg SN prepped. Take my SN, definitely panic because holy shit I'm going to be non existent & then sleep forever.
The ONLY way I will fail this is if while I'm knocked out from the quetiapine (which will happen first since it's so strong) I throw everything up in my sleep. Send positive non sleep puke vibes my way.
If you've been following my post history, I've tried partial and full but SI always shut me down and then life circumstances keep happening that I was unable to mentally separate myself from.
However I've come to realize it's never a perfect time to ctb.
There will always be someone's birthday in a few days or a wedding or someone's major life event or a holiday, blah blah blah. In my case my brother is moving out tomorrow to a different state to start his new life & career. That's going to be ruined now for him but oh fucking well, I can't stick around anymore. Is it selfish in my part? Yes, but I'm no longer willing to let myself suffer in exchange. It's a shit deal and only one side wins and it's sure as fuck not me.
Final hours:
Right after I post this I'm going to take a hopefully long nap. I really want some beautiful dreams where life is wonderful & everything is great and I don't have debilitating mental illness.
Then I'll wake up. Read some SN threads, maybe watch a movie with my family, then when everyone heads to bed the process will begin.
Fuck the world and fuck you god you fucking piece of shit.
Just had my final meal (McDonald's, I actually haven't eaten fast food in almost a year so I'm alright with it) and now I'll fast for the next 10~ hours until I take it around midnight.
I'm not following Stan's guide exactly as it doesn't mention when to take the benzos or propranolol or whatever and I know my body. The only part of it I'll follow is taking some Tylenol an hour before.
So here's my plan:
11pm - Take 1,000mg Tylenol.
11:30pm- take 100mg propranolol (I know the PPH says 400mg but Im prescribed 10mg and even when I took 20mg once my heart rate went so low and I was immensely dizzy standing up so I think 100mg will be fine, if not excessive) and one 200mg quetiapine as an antiemetic substitute. I would take my benzos for anxiety but quetiapine is used off label for anxiety/knocks you the fuck out & im not prescribed to it so it should do the job for both. I'll probably prep the drinks just before I take the quetiapine so I don't fall asleep beforehand cause sometimes it hits so fast.
12am - I bought a scale from DD as well so I'll have 2 cups of 25mg SN prepped. Take my SN, definitely panic because holy shit I'm going to be non existent & then sleep forever.
The ONLY way I will fail this is if while I'm knocked out from the quetiapine (which will happen first since it's so strong) I throw everything up in my sleep. Send positive non sleep puke vibes my way.
If you've been following my post history, I've tried partial and full but SI always shut me down and then life circumstances keep happening that I was unable to mentally separate myself from.
However I've come to realize it's never a perfect time to ctb.
There will always be someone's birthday in a few days or a wedding or someone's major life event or a holiday, blah blah blah. In my case my brother is moving out tomorrow to a different state to start his new life & career. That's going to be ruined now for him but oh fucking well, I can't stick around anymore. Is it selfish in my part? Yes, but I'm no longer willing to let myself suffer in exchange. It's a shit deal and only one side wins and it's sure as fuck not me.
Final hours:
Right after I post this I'm going to take a hopefully long nap. I really want some beautiful dreams where life is wonderful & everything is great and I don't have debilitating mental illness.
Then I'll wake up. Read some SN threads, maybe watch a movie with my family, then when everyone heads to bed the process will begin.
Fuck the world and fuck you god you fucking piece of shit.
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