sohopelessandempty
Still alive, just not active here sometimes so dw
- Nov 23, 2025
- 139
Good to know, I'm trying my best to stay alive so I don't hurt him. I'm going to the doctor tomorrow. I hope things go well.
I never lost a partner to this, but I lost my best friend - my old roommate from boarding school that I loved highly (not Romantic) and today years later I still miss him every day - Im not angry with him - I respect that he did the right thing for him and im glad he doesnt suffer any longer, and even proud that he had the balls to go through it, but he was a part of my life that i miss every day and forever will ..
hailspark
hail
- Jan 23, 2024
- 22
About a year ago I was talking to a coworker about depression and suicide and he mentioned when he was a teenager his girlfriend commited suicide. He told me he still thinks about her almost everyday, that was around 20 years ago. He was engaged at that point and he's now married. Your boyfriend might be able to move on, but he will think about what he could have done differently and in some part blame himself for the rest of his life. On another note, a friend of mine passed about a year and a half go and although I knew he was going to commit and I just wanted to be there for him (his wishes) I still blamed myself after it happened and I still do to a degree. One of the things that helped me and continues to is a letter he sent me I received a few weeks after where he told me I shouldn't blame myself. I never voiced this thought to him before he committed and the fact he considered I might feel that way and wrote me that letter helped a lot. It also helped me believe that I was not at fault and there was nothing I could have done. If you are going to go through with it make sure he knows (if it's true) that he made your life better and there was nothing anyone he could have done.
I just wanted to say that you're doing a really good thing seeking a doctor. I really wish the best for you and reading through your replies I've been in very similar places myself. If this helps, about two years ago I thought that my life was meaningless, but right now I'm doing better than I could ever have deemed imaginable. I'm not definitely "recovered" in a sense, but I ended up moving across the country away from my family, and I've made new friends. I also wanted to say that talking to people is the best thing you can do if you want to recover, or if you don't and you just need to talk to someone. You'll find a lot of people have gone through similar life experiences and are more than willing to help you. When I was at my worst I truly thought I was alone, but I can say I've found a family in the people I've opened up to about depression, many of them I see as parental figures and having people who support you is one of the greatest things to help you recover (if that's what you want to do). :)
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sohopelessandempty
Still alive, just not active here sometimes so dw
- Nov 23, 2025
- 139
Thank you so much for this, it's given me a lot of insight. I made sure to include in my note that it's not his fault and not to blame himself, and that there was nothing he could do. I'm going to try getting help though, I can't give up and risk putting him in pain before trying other things. I want to try to get better, I can always try to ctb if none of it works.
This is what I'm afraid he will feel like if I ctb.
TheCavernousDeep.
“One Last Tour for the Lady of the Ink.”
- Oct 22, 2025
- 46
I don't want to give specific ages, but I was around your age when it happened, and it's been years since. I'm still haunted by it. I loved someone, saw them struggle, and then lost them forever. It's a very hard thing to live through. Maybe your boyfriend will be resilient to it, it's hard to say without knowing him or his support system. I think it's good you're this considerate of his feelings.
Is there a reason why you feel you need to die? Maybe if you opened up with your BF about your struggles he could help you?
Blueberry Panic
The Gallow Rose
- Jan 5, 2025
- 1,675
MyLifeisHell
I'm in hell
- Jul 23, 2022
- 4,670
Has something happened? You were feeling very optimistic other day.
If he's like me in any way, it'll break him completely and even if he understands it's not his fault, the guilt will hurt
sohopelessandempty
Still alive, just not active here sometimes so dw
- Nov 23, 2025
- 139
Yes and no. I'm mentally ill, so regardless of if anything bad happens during the day, I still feel this constant pain. However, I was feeling optimistic like last weekend because I got to see my boyfriend, which always cheers me up(temporarily) and reminds me why I'm still here. But I can't see him very often due to strict parents(I'm 18 but their roof, their rules. I don't have a car or job, I can't afford to move out.) Also they are abusive, just not physically anymore.
Alright I won't do it then, if you say it'll still hurt even if he understands it's not his fault. I love him too much to ctb, I'm going to the doctor soon.
So she wouldn't be as hurt if you killed yourself? I understand that, however personally I don't want to do so. So I am choosing to live to avoid hurting him. I don't want to leave him, our connection is really special. I truly love him.
:( this makes me really sad to read. Most of the responses to my question sadden me, and that's why I keep saying I've decided to stay alive. Just hearing from people who have actually experienced this and were extremely hurt by it, even years later, I just can't do that to him. To put him in that pain. Just like you, if I were to ctb, my boyfriend would've loved me, watched me struggle, and then lose me forever. Maybe that's why even though we all die someday, me dying from suicide would be a different kind of pain for him than if I died from old age or from a car crash or something. If someone dies from other causes, it might not be as heartbreaking than if he knows I killed myself because I couldn't handle the pain anymore. I think to see someone lose their battle is really sad. Wondering what could've been. As for your question, I need to die because being alive is torture for me, and everything hurts so much. I'm in so much pain, and death is the only way to truly make it go away, at least for me. Or at least that's how I feel, I wouldn't know if that's true unless I had the money and time and support system to try every mental health treatment on the planet. I have opened up to him about my struggles before, he does help me but he can't fix this. Nobody can. And he can only do so much, especially since we can't hangout often due to my controlling parents.
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MyLifeisHell
I'm in hell
- Jul 23, 2022
- 4,670
Lost.Empyrean
°‧ 𓆝 𓆟 𓆞 𓆝 𓆟·｡
- Sep 6, 2025
- 36
Sorry to say but it is impossible he won't blame himself. It doesn't matter what you say in your note. It's human instinct for him to think 'what did I do?' and 'what didn't I do?' and 'why couldn't I help her?' and 'was I not enough?', etc. If he eventually moves on, every relationship he has will most likely be haunted by the fear of history repeating.
Aside from this, and I'm sure you've gotten a lot of messages like this in response to your post, but please find a way to hold on. It might sound patronising to you, but at your age you really have no idea what could be possible for you in the future. Life changes, both circumstantially but also in how we relate to ourselves, our circumstances, and any trauma we have experienced. I barely recognise myself as the same person as the 18 year old me, and I'm touching 40 now. I've learned so much and recovered in different ways that I never would have believed possible then.
Life may feel unbearable now but can you draw hope from the fact that change will come? You will grow. It is just inevitable. The only way it won't happen is if you die. I'm not saying it'll be easy, but you owe it to yourself and anyone in your life you purport to care about to try everything you can.
On a selfish note. I don't know you but it absolutely breaks my heart to think of you throwing in the towel at 18. You sound like a kind soul. Please think about this carefully.
Aside from this, and I'm sure you've gotten a lot of messages like this in response to your post, but please find a way to hold on. It might sound patronising to you, but at your age you really have no idea what could be possible for you in the future. Life changes, both circumstantially but also in how we relate to ourselves, our circumstances, and any trauma we have experienced. I barely recognise myself as the same person as the 18 year old me, and I'm touching 40 now. I've learned so much and recovered in different ways that I never would have believed possible then.
Life may feel unbearable now but can you draw hope from the fact that change will come? You will grow. It is just inevitable. The only way it won't happen is if you die. I'm not saying it'll be easy, but you owe it to yourself and anyone in your life you purport to care about to try everything you can.
On a selfish note. I don't know you but it absolutely breaks my heart to think of you throwing in the towel at 18. You sound like a kind soul. Please think about this carefully.
sohopelessandempty
Still alive, just not active here sometimes so dw
- Nov 23, 2025
- 139
I already got into some colleges, just gonna get a bachelor's degree. But I'd rather just kill myself in a few months. It's not that college is bad, I just don't want to live that long.
Refuses to what?
He definitely won't get over something like that. Stuff like this really messes with people.
MyLifeisHell
I'm in hell
- Jul 23, 2022
- 4,670
I understand that it feels bad but you owe it to yourself to make it through the next years to see if things can be different. You're trying to judge whether the totality of life is worth living based on a narrow segment of it that you have experienced.
The impact of a toxic environment can never be understated and college/education offers you a way out of it.
sohopelessandempty
Still alive, just not active here sometimes so dw
- Nov 23, 2025
- 139
I can't afford to move out for college, and I have to go on a big family trip next summer to the other side of the world, so I won't be able to save money and get a summer job before college.
fadedghost
Member
- Dec 10, 2025
- 71
my best friend was suicidal for a while
i told her once that if she died, i would try to move on, it was always her choice, and i hoped if were to ever die she would move on too. i didn't want her to stay around out of a sense of obligation. she wasn't happy. i did ask her to stay around a little while longer.
and she did stay around longer, but then committed suicide
it's been about 2 years, it hasn't gotten better for me, i sometimes use opiates to dull the pain, but then they make me really stupid, so i have to stop, then i am sad again. i've been emotionally abused by people in the mental health industry and i'm not interested in a therapist or psychiatric medication.t
the answer is probably no if he actually does like you a lot. i would also say it depends on the type of person he is. if he is super extroverted and has had like 20 girlfriends before you and has dated you a month, he may be able to get over it if he's that sort of super extroverted person. my guess is no, he won't get over it and the pain won't go away, he might end up ctbing also. it's hard to know.
I don't understand why at 18 you are so certain you hate life and want to die. College is very different from high school, and work is much much different from college. If you are introverted, once you work you can work your way, you can get an introverted position, or an extroverted position, if you like plants you can work with plants. is there a particular reason you are this way? were you abused or did anything bad happen to you? I know people are often sad at 18, but life has the potential to change so much in the next 3 4 years and become something totally different.
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MyLifeisHell
I'm in hell
- Jul 23, 2022
- 4,670
Are you going to commute to college from home then? There is also the longer term perspective. You could have decades of freedom away from your family and home environment.
I hope in college you can find something that fuels you.
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sohopelessandempty
Still alive, just not active here sometimes so dw
- Nov 23, 2025
- 139
Yeah I'll commute from home, I'm staying close to home for college anyway, since I wanted to stay in-state for financial reasons, and the acceptance letters I got happen to be places so close to home that it would be silly to pay for a dorm. I have to choose money over sanity haha. Thank you for taking the time to reply.
Yes, I was abused starting when I was five and it was all downhill from there. It messed up my brain chemistry and I am severely mentally ill now. That's why I think life is torture and I want to end it. The physical abuse stopped once puberty made me taller than my parents, but they still are abusive in other ways. I'm aware life has potential to change, but I have been very suicidal since I was 11 and it never went away. It never got better(for me at least) and possibly never will.
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fadedghost
Member
- Dec 10, 2025
- 71
My parents were abusive in different ways, but not a lot and not all the time. I wish back when I was 18, once I could leave, I had just found a way to financially support myself and just had stopped talking to them completely. Having abusive people in your life is going to make you sad. If you find a way to make money, you can move on from them. Can you take out some student loans and apply for scholarships or work part-time somewhere? Do you want to go to college? I just hope you can get away from them without dying. Your life will be better. If you are still sad after you stop talking with them, maybe consider things then? This feels too soon for you to commit suicide if your parents were abusive and you have to be around them because of finances for a brief while longer.
sohopelessandempty
Still alive, just not active here sometimes so dw
- Nov 23, 2025
- 139
I'm so fucked. I'm going to college but my parents are financially irresponsible, I haven't been able to find a job either. My friend said the place she works will be looking for people next summer, but next summer I'm being forced on a family trip on the other side of the planet so I'm not allowed to get a summer job. They know this will put me at a disadvantage before college even starts, and they don't care. So basically I'm doomed, and I should just hang myself before all this shit even happens but it's so complicated and I'm scared of pain.
fadedghost
Member
- Dec 10, 2025
- 71
Are you able to apply for student loans and move in with a friend? Usually there are ways for poor people to afford college. Are you able to talk to your school's financial aid director and explain your parents are abusive and you don't want to be around them?
sohopelessandempty
Still alive, just not active here sometimes so dw
- Nov 23, 2025
- 139
I can't do that, it's complicated. It's not like they are physically abusing me anymore. I'll be okay, I'm just tired of being alive. It's so painful. I wish I could die painlessly. I did apply for financial aid though, so it shouldn't be too bad. I wish I could get a job next summer though. I'm already at a disadvantage because I can't.
sohopelessandempty
Still alive, just not active here sometimes so dw
- Nov 23, 2025
- 139
Thank you so much for this. I was just writing my suicide notes(for months from now, not anytime soon. Don't know if I'll actually do it anyway, it's just in case) but what you said at the end really makes me reconsider. And thank you for saying I sound like a kind soul, I think you do too. I don't think you're selfish, in fact I think that's something I needed to hear. About the other things you said, I'm aware life can change. I'm aware even the people on a suicide forum usually still think 18 is too young to ctb. I'm aware the brain doesn't fully develop until 25 or something, but I'm still an adult. I've wanted to die since I was 11, and no matter what I did or tried, the pain never went away. I never grew out of it like how people think anyone who's younger will just grow out of mental illness. It never goes away. It never has and never will, at least not for me. I don't know how much longer I can deal with this pain. I'm so exhausted. The whole idea that life could change at any moment and things could get better made me realize that I truly want to die, and it's not just because of my shitty life anymore. This all started due to my shitty life, but now I realize even if that changed, I'd still want to die. My brain is all messed up. I imagined getting my dream life and I realized even then, I'd still want to kill myself. No matter what. Not even money could make me want to live. Nothing. My boyfriend makes me want to live temporarily, but that's not the same. It's more like an illusion, his love tricks my brain into thinking I want to live, but that's not what I truly want. I'm really sick. I'd turn down a million dollars if the other option was a painless death that didn't affect anyone around me. That sounds insane but I really mean it. However, it just doesn't seem possible for a suicide to meet all those requirements. Painless is debatable but usually very difficult or even impossible to achieve if someone doesn't have access to certain methods, and for it to not affect anyone around them? Forget about it. But I hope that puts into perspective how sick I am. I'm glad you've recovered in different ways, but may I ask then why you're here? Not everyone here has to be suicidal, it can also just be a place for interesting discussions on the topic of death, but obviously most people here want to die including me. I wonder if you're truly recovered, why are you on a suicide forum then? It's not that I don't believe you, I'm just curious. Sometimes I think if someone truly got better, they wouldn't be able to reply and tell me about it because a healthy person wouldn't be on SaSu. Everyone is different though, I'm not saying it's impossible to be recovered and still be here.
Also, about your first paragraph, that puts a lot into perspective and really makes me think more about how this would affect him. If you're right that no matter what I say in my note, he will still blame himself and fear the same thing happening in future relationships, I don't want to risk that at all. Thank you again for taking the time to reply. I hope my reply isn't too long.
Thank you for writing back. I was worried I went overboard or preached a tad too much. Your opening post just really moved me. I'm really pleased that you're still open to living, even if only a little bit.
I don't put much stock in the whole brain still developing stuff. People mature at different rates (for e.g. you sound a lot more put together than I was at your age) and so your age actually has nothing to do with why I think it's a mistake to CTB at 18 - not directly. It's more about life experience, and how radically different the same circumstances look and feel when our perspectives on life and ourselves shift. Sorry that is a bit abstract but I don't know how else to put it into words.
I'm so sorry for everything you have been through and how it has left you feeling about yourself and life. I didn't experience abuse directly from a family member but what I did experience feels like it wired me a certain way, so I do understand that to a degree (although I think it is 10 times more debilitating when it's your primary caregivers who are doing the abusing). I also don't think mental illness can be 'grown out of'. Do people say that to you? People can be such meatheads.
That's all completely valid. I really do understand and respect your feelings on all this. I guess what I mean by change isn't so much having a million dollars, it's a change in the lens through which you view life and yourself (and that million bucks). Life will never seem worth it when seen through your current lens, but that lens can be repaired, maybe not fully, but mended such that your experience of living has more good times (like the feelings you described experiencing with your bf) and fewer bad. Right now it sounds like you're living under the crushing weight of pretty much every waking moment being unbearable, and in that position every sane person would want to CTB. I guess I want you to know that your brain is more elastic than you think it is, and that it's possible to feel differently about yourself and life. That will be hard to imagine for you right now though, which is why I'm here to say it instead.
It's a good question. I'm not far out of a long (for me) bout of suicidal ideation. I hadn't been on the forum for a while but yesterday was really hard, and I was staring into that void and felt the pull back to SaSu. For me, it helps to lurk and explore my own feelings through the discussions here. For e.g. I also have a partner who would be devastated if I left. That has kept me alive in the past, just barely though. So I related to what you were saying in your op. When I was in the pit I was using this as a resource to plan my own CTB though.
Yes, I'm sorry to say that is true. Remember that when you feel desperate. I'm really glad you have someone or something (compassion for your bf) to pull you back from the edge.
And I just want to reiterate that more is possible for your life. Not to downplay the struggles you're facing at all, and I don't want to simplify anything or say it'll be easy. We so rarely can see what is possible from our own perspectives. And I promise you that whatever life is like for you right now, and however painful it is, it can look and feel different.
What would a tolerable life look like to you? Not in terms of circumstances alone, but for e.g. if certain feelings or thoughts were less intense?
fadedghost
Member
- Dec 10, 2025
- 71
I don't think it matters if they are no longer abusing you.
If they previously abused you in that house, staying there will retraumatize you and seeing them will retraumatize you. I really think you're making a mistake by not speaking with a financial aid counselor at your school. Please consider doing it? They are very very very likely to know things you don't, and it's a mistake not to use that resource to your full advantage. Please resconsider it. (I would do this with whatever college you are either admitted to or the ones you get admitted to and are considering attending; a local high school counselor may be a mandatory reporter and you may lose control over what they do at that point, which you likely wouldn't want.)
If you are scared to admit that you were abused, create an anonymous email account not linked to you and email the financial aid director at the college explaining the situation, but without giving your name or student ID. Explain you only want to confide your real name and student ID if they can help you to find a way to not be in that living situation and otherwise do not want to discuss the abuse with others.
If you need help with how to create an anonymous email account, you can ask me. I'm not a hacker or anything like that, but I know some stuff about computers...
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sohopelessandempty
Still alive, just not active here sometimes so dw
- Nov 23, 2025
- 139
Don't worry, I've already applied for financial aid and everything. Also about past abuse, I have already dealt with CPS in the past and all they did was make things worse. I don't want to go through that ever again, as long as I'm not being physically abused anymore I'd rather not go through that whole thing again. Toxic parents are unfortunately very common, and I'd rather just deal with it than risk reliving the past. I'm safe so don't worry. I get paranoid when people worry about me, it reminds me of the whole CPS incident from many years ago. Thank you for caring though. And I'm aware that it will be really difficult or even impossible to heal in the environment that traumatized me, but this is better than being in even more debt from moving out. I like to think if I stay for college, I'm getting paid to live with them, while before, I still had to live with them without any monetary gain(besides having a place to live and stuff but you know what I meant). The thousands I'd save if I stay home, is basically me getting paid to deal with toxic people. That's better than having to do that for the past 18 years for free. I'll take what I can get. They've already damaged me anyway, if I move out I'll still be messed up in the head AND broke. That's even worse. They aren't always bad anyway.
Thank you so much for all of this. I've had a bad day and this makes me feel better, it's kind of sad though how strangers are nicer to me than my own parents. Also(sorry I'm bad with quoting stuff on here) when you asked if people have said to me that I'll grow out of mental illness, not directly. People have said other stupid things, but I was talking about the general stereotype that teenagers are just moody and that's why they're sad and it'll go away once they're older instead of actual mental illness. A tolerable life for me is hard to explain, I'm not sure if I ever mentioned this but even if my life was "perfect" now, I'd still want to die. I believe if I was born with a better life, I probably wouldn't have turned out this way, and I'd probably want to live. But now, even if somehow my life magically turned around to be everything I ever wanted, I'd still want to kill myself. I'd still be miserable all the time, because I'm sick. A tolerable life for me is one that I enjoy, but that is very vague. I guess maybe that's not it, because enjoyment and toleration are different. A tolerable life for me is one where I'm not in pain most of the time, one where living isn't agonizing for me. That would make me able to tolerate it, but I think I just have low toleration for being alive. If the pain wasn't so intense, then it would be tolerable. But I can't imagine that without different circumstances. Everything would need to change, and that seems impossible in this life. If things were different from the day I was born, that is the real solution. But it's too late, and I can't go back and prevent anything. I do believe though there's a small chance things can change for me. Not just circumstances, but also feelings.
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fadedghost
Member
- Dec 10, 2025
- 71
I understand the horrors of CPS. Being honest with them may or may not improve the situation, because if you get taken away, then the new family can be even worse. I get it. Not trying to make you relive the past.
I think it is very sensible to be financially prudent and careful, and I commend you on that.
However, you are also on a forum, sanctioned-suciide, on which people often discuss how suicidal they are and sometimes take their own lives in despair. Perhaps it is worth it to spend money moving out or see if the college will be willing to provide more financial need-based grants? Sometimes your family's financial situation may be included in determining financial aid, but maybe since CPS visited it shouldn't be. You could disclose CPS visited without going into details. "CPS visited when I was younger, I don't want to talk more about it than that, I don't have the money to live in a dorm without risking large debts unless I get need-based grants not requiring repayment. Would you consider this?"
If you are this suicidal living there, and some of the despair is from that, perhaps moving out will make you feel less terrible, even if it unfortunately results in debt?
I'm not worried about you. I, and others on here, have no idea who you are. You're just an avatar and username, that's it. I just hope you give life a chance for slightly longer, and experience life away from them.
sohopelessandempty
Still alive, just not active here sometimes so dw
- Nov 23, 2025
- 139
I used to think moving out would make me feel better, that would've been true years ago but it's been so long that I've developed mental illness obviously, and that probably won't go away. Also sorry if I sounded weird saying I didn't want you to worry and you literally aren't lol, it's just because of my past. Bad things have happened to me when people got worried, especially the CPS thing. I just get paranoid, hope you understand. I'm glad no one here really knows each other, it feels safer and less anxiety-inducing that way. To be anonymous on this type of forum is the safest option. I'll give life a chance, you're right that I haven't even experienced life away from my parents yet. Thanks.
