"I'd like to feel a bit better/ I'd like to recover" Support Group Megathread

[never mind me]

I feel a little weak I didn't use a more lethal method tbh, kinda hate saying it but it's true. :/
I guess on the flip side good thing I didn't have what I need to successfully try kill myself

Last attempt was similar, I just wanted to "Feel" something and ended up OD but that was like 7/8 years ago and I was much younger
I think I just wanto feel something idk

What are your guys experiences with this?

I'm sorry to hear about your attempt. I hope you are feeling better now. I can't imagine how it feels to be so impulsive. I could never do anything like you just on impulse. I mean, sure I have been looking for trees for hanging in the past or tested set ups and the like. But I always knew I wouldn't off myself just yet. There were times when I hoped I would actually go through with it while still in the planning stage, but I certainly have too much SI for this. So this is not realistic for me.

@Cloud Busting: Your therapy sounds really good. And I think it should be normal to decline to work with certain methods in therapy.

I haven't been as active here as I slowly get back into my normal life. I am feeling a lot better now. I had a really good climbing trip, we managed to climb 5 out of 6 days which is as much as I am physically able to climb in such a short amount of time. I am also quite fit again. From all the chocolate and other stuff I eat I suspect that I put on weight, but apparently I gained more muscles than fat, because I am back to being able to do 3 pull-ups on a pull up bar that I can just touch with my fingertips when standing.

I can use my voice without problems for the most part. Sometimes I still feel it getting a bit stressful or slightly painful, but it doesn't really stop me from interacting with others. I just notice I have to keep paying attention to how I speak, because I tend to fall back into the habit of speaking too fast and without taking time to breath.
And I need to do more exercices to strenghten the muscles that pull my shoulders back, because apparently they are too far forward. I am not really surprised with all the climbing and bouldering I do.

Last week-end I went to an outdoor goa party and took acid as it was pretty much the only drug that I dared to take. And I had a really good trip, dancing for hours and it also helped a lot on a mental level. And on top of it I felt a lot more loose the days afterwards and my reflux hasn't been bothering me anymore since then. I could even take the THC drops without problems the days after the acid trip.

And I talked to my boy-friend about the fact that I can't stand him always being on amphetamines/alcohol and he understood. Apparently our common friend with whom I had stayed for a few weeks this summer had talked to him and for a change my boy-friend wasn't awake for days or super sleepy and the last few days he was really quick to respond to messages. Interestingly enough he seems to have the same issues like me: In general his life is not bad, he has a decent job and a nice appartment and enough money, but he gets bored easily and is wondering what to do with his life. I am very much the same (although I am unemployed at the moment, I wouldn't have trouble finding a job again, if I wanted to). My answer so far is to always look for new places I can travel to and/or plan new climbing trips.

 

[ConfusedClouds]

Hi all,

Similar to others, been a bit meh recently. Like whats the point trying to communicate because it just causes me upset where I never feel like I get my point across, at best I get ignored and everything moved on and forgotten (good) at worst it catches someone who asks questions that I can't answer and sends me spinning and frustrated and awkward and overwhelmed and generally just reminds me of my incompetence as a human and how false peoples opinions of me are. More on that in a reply below I guess.

In terms of my life, things are just same same. Going through the motions. Though still drinking a fair bit. Building back up my gym after a week or so off due to pulling a muscle. Which has had knock on feelings for my chronic condition thats kinda under investigation. It probably affects me a LOT more than I let on to myself and definitely to the doctors. So I need to work out how to raise that because there's so many issues with me moping about at home and giving out about shit doctors if I fail at saying anything to them. Not deliberately. More a case of feeling ok at the time and forgetting and the way the questions might be asked lead me to answering differently (e.g I am still in the gym and working shifts, so what can be wrong/bad with me - I sort of feel like I need to be non weight bearing or bed bound or something to be able to moan about an injury). Not helped by my consultant being a shit show (every encounter with her secretary has had issues and every referral/prescription/interaction apart from the cash-grabbing appts themselves I have had to chase or correct myself). But my gp cant advocate for me changing if there's 'nothing wrong'. But there's not. But there is. Urgh. Why am I even stressing about it if its likely long term degenerative and I can barely plan or even see more than a couple of weeks into the future.

Dammit I'm essay rambling again as always. I envy those who can post and get their point/complaint across in a short paragraph or so. I'm like that tap analogy we had a while back - rusted shut or burst open flooding the place. Not helpful.

How has it gone opening up to you friends about your suicidality for people in this chat?

I shut off/ran from my friends about 4 years ago now. I was having a bad spell and sort of wanted to ctb but couldn't because 1. I didn't wanna cause guilt, 2. I've basic wilderness first responder training from past lives so know how much the body can survive so need there to be a bomber method which I don't have, 3. I also have a 'clean' medical record and the idea of getting any 'black marks' from failed attempts is kinda scary, especially having worked jobs and locations that have required medical checks before which could flag and stop me doing similar again. Stigma is real. Cue spirals about does it even matter if I'm gonna die soon. Except I'm too passive and now still here 4 years later.

As alluded to above, my few closer friends (who I still often think about and miss but can't allow myself to go back to) picked up on some classic phrases 'don't wanna be here' 'burden' 'better without me' and were offering ears and support and whatever. Except I just couldn't. No words. No answers. No explanations. I got more and more frantic and essentially spooked and ran. Well, relocated/travelling and gradually cut off texting the closer friends to a point of ghosting over time so they didn't try and chase me. This includes family. Though I've never been close to my family. I've since relocated a couple more times and gone through a couple of phone numbers. But my email has stayed the same. Fuck pointless rambling again.

Friends' reactions were not the problem - they showed concern. And a couple are healthworkers so would probably be helpful if I'd been honest and given them a chance. But it was my reactions and inability to do anything. Incompetent human. Fail. Lies.

I do feel inspired by hearing your 'success' stories NZKiwi with both the psych/crisis teams and friends. Its hard to forget that it can work for a lot of people. Its far from 100% the horror stories that get shared online.

it's not letting me tag but I know confused clouds was wondering how I found the right therapist. Long story but my question is what are you looking for? What kind of relationship dynamic do you want? What methods do you like? What are your limits/boundaries? Answering those questions makes the process easier

Thanks for the thoughts. The issue (as above) is my complete inability to know what I want/think/feel and also my inability to communicate. I still feel too awkwardly attached to therapist I also spooked/ran from/ghosted 8 months ago now. She's the only therapist I've had but was for 3.5 years. It was online so she was the only consistent throughout my relocations and would happily roll with wherever I joined the call from. Including finding signal spots on mountainsides while hiking or generally being outside or being curled up on my sofa/giant bean bag with giant teddy. She caused me so much frustration with boundaries, but thats the same with every human out there. I am too much, too needy. So kinda have almost learnt that not trying is a more neutral, stable, zoned out state thats more functional for society than the rollercoaster of 'trying'.

I'm so glad you have found a working relationship there. Again, being reminded that there are positive experiences out there.

What are your guys experiences with this?

Ahahaha copied this quote while reading through to catch up and can't remember the context its from! Whopps.
Written too much so will leave it for now!

It's a spectrum, but I think everything is a fucking spectrum. Binaries annoy me so much

This. For so many things. I've written too much to try launching into my thoughts here too, but that hits a nerve for me for sure!

And @never mind me I'm so glad your climbing trip went ahead. That's so good that you're feeling physically stronger in multiple ways!!! Especially how grim things were just a few weeks ago when you thought you'd be left behind for any of it! And 3 pullups - solid effort!!! There's something reassuring when you've had some time away and try something strength based and its not a total loss like you anticipated! And being so strong must have massively helped your climbing trip?


Ok thats way too much as always, sorry, but thanks, CC listening out.

 

[狐狐狐]

Hello world

I'm slow to work up the guts to post here, but here I am. Looking to re-start my recovery process. Doing lots IRL to do ensure it happens.

I'm active in spurts. Looking to chat a little. Air my mind out under the advice of another form member. Thank you, (you know who you are)

A little about me, at least stuff that may be relevant here.
I'm in my mid 20's F
I've survived two attempts, one via pure luck.
I've drifted in and out of inpatient.
I've got CPTSD & DID, amoung all the other common maladies that typically come with being suicidal.

I like history, and sociology.
I've got a broad taste in music.

Lots of I statements here.

Anyways, how are you this nonight/afternoon/morning

 

[Praestat_Mori]

Hello world

Welcome

 

[jimmyjiggy80]

I really want to be fine and look to the future again. But with massive hearing loss and a massive alcohol binge that was fueled by the meds i was taking at the time (would never even think of it in my natural mind). I feel I'm a shell of my former self and don't know if i can face much more. I still hope for a miracle healing to get back to my old self, but it's been a while and still no sign.

I wish you all the strength and courage for the path you are on.

 

[狐狐狐]

I really want to be fine and look to the future again. But with massive hearing loss and a massive alcohol binge that was fueled by the meds i was taking at the time (would never even think of it in my natural mind). I feel I'm a shell of my former self and don't know if i can face much more. I still hope for a miracle healing to get back to my old self, but it's been a while and still no sign.

I wish you all the strength and courage for the path you are on.

How long have you had these issues? Have done anything to adjust?

 

[never mind me]

I visited a friend of mine yesterday. Originally he was suppposed to come to my place, but he has lots of mental health issues, among them agoraphobia and he didn't manage to enter the train. So my boy-friend and I visited him instead. And although it was good to see him and I can certainly notice the improvement of my voice it is so boring not to take any drugs. My friend and my boy-friend had some beers, while I stayed completely sober. Although I don't feel as miserable anymore that I want to die, I really feel so bored with almost no drugs. And I am not even completely down to 0 drugs, I still take THC drops once or twice a week, but I don't like the effect as much as vaped/smoked cannabis, because it takes so long to set in, is quite strong and lasts for many hours. And I had alprazolam the other day and LSD about a week ago. But it is very little compared to my normal drug consumption. I think I have never taken so few drugs in all my life since discovering drugs except when I was travelling, but then there were enough interesting things happening that I didn't get bored. Although not being able to take drugs on its own isn't enough to make me feel really miserable, it justs causes me to be so bored with life that it doesn't feel half as enjoyable. But it makes me realize how fortunate it is that I discovered drugs in the first place. I can't even imagine on how much I would have missed out without taking drugs. The only drug that I certainly should have been more careful with is alcohol, but ironically this is barely considered a drug where I live, but a kind of food.

 

[NZkiwi]

Turning 30 next month. Don't really want it to happen. Asked all my "friends" and relatives not to congratulate me and so on. And just ignore this day and pretend that it's just another ordinary day

Yeah I've been reflecting upon this

I think what makes me sad is that people reach out to me on my birhtday but not any other day of the year
like a checkbox excercise

I think what's helped recently is with my close friends I have good days with them and so i try to emulate that that, so another ordinary day which happends to be my birthday

***

Kinda. I have no idea what it means to actually let go. The words just feel empty. Like... how can I persuade myself not to think about someone, or not to feel the things I feel? And while the whole thing is still going on, you're just waiting for an inevitable catastrophy. You're just waiting for someone really special and important to stop loving you and leave you all alone.

What it means to let go....
Sigh...

What a question
I think secure attachment is love fully, connect to everything but don't attach to anything
It's hard when i guess been raised with inconsistent attachment parents and not having something hard

I guess I focus on those people in my life that have been there thick and thin
Still hurts when people you think would stay have left

A little grief I feel which still aches my heart

***

Feels hardcore techno-ish. I like it.

<3

***

Saw another confirmation that "normal" people don't really get the concept of wanting to die. No surprise.

I think i'll build upon that
I think many understand wanting to die, the thought
but don't agree with the action/behaviour and around it

Partially, I feel a little bit ashamed for saying it out loud. And partially — I can't really keep it inside all the time.

yeah you can't keep bottling it up
sometimese the truth stigns

***

Nonetheless, I wish each and every person in this thread a good morning/day/evening/night

I always love your greetings friends, looks like it's catching on

*******

I'm sorry to hear about your attempt. I hope you are feeling better now. I can't imagine how it feels to be so impulsive. I could never do anything like you just on impulse. I mean, sure I have been looking for trees for hanging in the past or tested set ups and the like. But I always knew I wouldn't off myself just yet. There were times when I hoped I would actually go through with it while still in the planning stage, but I certainly have too much SI for this. So this is not realistic for me.

thank you for your kind words
i feel okay now
i still get suicidal thoughts but my behaviour is more cleaned up
i tell my friends everything now which is nice
i still think i'd be better of dead
i've stopped hoping for a better future
i'm just going through the motions which is life

***

I haven't been as active here as I slowly get back into my normal life. I am feeling a lot better now. I had a really good climbing trip, we managed to climb 5 out of 6 days which is as much as I am physically able to climb in such a short amount of time. I am also quite fit again. From all the chocolate and other stuff I eat I suspect that I put on weight, but apparently I gained more muscles than fat, because I am back to being able to do 3 pull-ups on a pull up bar that I can just touch with my fingertips when standing.

lovely to hear your getting fit
i think a healthy body does help buidling a healthy mind

as CC said, it's good progress you're making

**

Similar to others, been a bit meh recently. Like whats the point trying to communicate because it just causes me upset where I never feel like I get my point across, at best I get ignored and everything moved on and forgotten (good) at worst it catches someone who asks questions that I can't answer and sends me spinning and frustrated and awkward and overwhelmed and generally just reminds me of my incompetence as a human and how false peoples opinions of me are. More on that in a reply below I guess.

Who do you have in your life that actually listen
like properly actually listens?
they won't understand, but they put the time into

i had my heart broken (Friendships) when I spoke to people that weren't really listening in the first place and when I put my energy into people that listened made my life easier
not saying you're at fault for speaking to the wrong people, it's just there can be a mismatch

i do like reading what you type and i do like that you air your thoughts out
looks like you have such a colourful mind

*
the second part, i guess the skill of answering questions without spiraling
my life is easier as a bartender have learned that skill
wdym you spiral if someone asks you proper questions ? im curious of what that experience is

***

Dammit I'm essay rambling again as always. I envy those who can post and get their point/complaint across in a short paragraph or so. I'm like that tap analogy we had a while back - rusted shut or burst open flooding the place. Not helpful.

keep your light shining bright as it subconciously gives others to shine their light bright too (like myself :P )

In terms of my life, things are just same same. Going through the motions. Though still drinking a fair bit. Building back up my gym after a week or so off due to pulling a muscle. Which has had knock on feelings for my chronic condition thats kinda under investigation. It probably affects me a LOT more than I let on to myself and definitely to the doctors. So I need to work out how to raise that because there's so many issues with me moping about at home and giving out about shit doctors if I fail at saying anything to them. Not deliberately. More a case of feeling ok at the time and forgetting and the way the questions might be asked lead me to answering differently (e.g I am still in the gym and working shifts, so what can be wrong/bad with me - I sort of feel like I need to be non weight bearing or bed bound or something to be able to moan about an injury). Not helped by my consultant being a shit show (every encounter with her secretary has had issues and every referral/prescription/interaction apart from the cash-grabbing appts themselves I have had to chase or correct myself). But my gp cant advocate for me changing if there's 'nothing wrong'. But there's not. But there is. Urgh. Why am I even stressing about it if its likely long term degenerative and I can barely plan or even see more than a couple of weeks into the future.

this is the chronic pain you're going through
damn im so sorry dude... i wish i had a magic pill for that

**

As alluded to above, my few closer friends (who I still often think about and miss but can't allow myself to go back to) picked

As kendrick lamar said

""""
Love's gonna get you killed
But pride's gonna be the death of you and you and me
And you and you and you and me
And you and you and you and me
And you and you and you and me and—
"""

Is this pride speaking? Just an observation

Except I just couldn't. No words. No answers. No explanations. I got more and more frantic and essentially spooked and ran. Well, relocated/travelling and gradually cut off texting the closer friends to a point of ghosting over time so they didn't try and chase me. This includes family. Though I've never been close to my family. I've since relocated a couple more times and gone through a couple of phone numbers. But my email has stayed the same. Fuck pointless rambling again.

imho not pointless ranting if you don't mind me asking questions
if they are good friends, they should be happy to reconnect assumiing you didn't burn any bad bridges
people have bad spells and events and I often think of my friends that went off the radar, and would include them if they came back

is this an option
or starting afresh?
you might be suprised, it will be a little humilating/embarssing,guilty

Friends' reactions were not the problem - they showed concern. And a couple are healthworkers so would probably be helpful if I'd been honest and given them a chance. But it was my reactions and inability to do anything. Incompetent human. Fail. Lies.

And that was the old you
you are a new person every day
1% better every day

adults learn from informed failure, im sure you're more resilliant dealing with it now

***

I do feel inspired by hearing your 'success' stories NZKiwi with both the psych/crisis teams and friends. Its hard to forget that it can work for a lot of people. Its far from 100% the horror stories that get shared online.

yeah it took a lot of pain to want to reach out
i think i had to learn more about myself before I could fully engage with them
i'm not (in my thoughts) convijnced recoveyr will work, but my behaviour shows otherwise, a little inconguent this experience has been

thanks for listening to me

****

Ok thats way too much as always, sorry, but thanks, CC listening out.

If I can be annoying
try replace sorry --> thank you
No need to say sorry friend, this is social media, nothing to be a burdern here

Ok that's enough of me being annoying, thank you, NZkiwi out :P


(I do like you sharing about your life, makes me reflect upon my own journey privately)


***

Hello world

Welcome!

I've got a broad taste in music.

do you like edm/rap/hardstyle/dubstep?

DID

What is DID in your own experience? I only know from textooks, if you mind sharing. Just curious

***

really want to be fine and look to the future again. But with massive hearing loss and a massive alcohol binge that was fueled by the meds i was taking at the time (would never even think of it in my natural mind). I feel I'm a shell of my former self and don't know if i can face much more. I still hope for a miracle healing to get back to my old self, but it's been a while and still no sign.

I wish you all the strength and courage for the path you are on.

Welcome @jimmyjiggy80
I'm sorry to hear you're going through it
Would you mind sharing a little story of what happend? Just curious and only if you want to?

how are you doing now? working/study? eating/sleep okay?
It can be hard when the future is uncertain and we seek certainty. How good are you at dealing with uncertainty and by extension rejection (or the imagination/anxiety around that)

when I was travelling

where do you go travelling? What countries/parts of the world!

 

[NZkiwi]

***

Just checking in @StarsAbove, @CrowsFeather @infinitanocte @pickedmyctbdate

Just haven't heard from y'all for a while.

hope you are ok

 

[infinitanocte]

***

Just checking in @StarsAbove, @CrowsFeather @infinitanocte @pickedmyctbdate

Just haven't heard from y'all for a while.

hope you are ok

Thanks for checking in NZkiwi, that's so sweet of you :) Just been a bit busy so haven't been crawling the forums much, but I still periodically drop by and check what's going on or any notifications. Not going anywhere for now!
Sending good vibes your way <33

 

[Cloud Busting]

Hello world

I'm slow to work up the guts to post here, but here I am. Looking to re-start my recovery process. Doing lots IRL to do ensure it happens.

I'm active in spurts. Looking to chat a little. Air my mind out under the advice of another form member. Thank you, (you know who you are)

A little about me, at least stuff that may be relevant here.
I'm in my mid 20's F
I've survived two attempts, one via pure luck.
I've drifted in and out of inpatient.
I've got CPTSD & DID, amoung all the other common maladies that typically come with being suicidal.

I like history, and sociology.
I've got a broad taste in music.

Lots of I statements here.

Anyways, how are you this nonight/afternoon/morning

Nice to meet you. I personally think that I statements are a window to the soul, a clear boundary, a way to reach self-actualization. Selfishness isn't a bad thing as long as you have proper breaks and you use inwardness to move forward rather than backwards. Of course you'll make mistakes. Try to learn from it. Beating yourself up makes it harder to learn. There's studies on this I guess. Idk

Bye shower time passing torch I neglected many here I am sorry sorry sorry
Edit:
No! I just made a long post and lost it. Damn it. Hate when that happens

 

[狐狐狐]

Nice to meet you. I personally think that I statements are a window to the soul, a clear boundary, a way to reach self-actualization. Selfishness isn't a bad thing as long as you have proper breaks and you use inwardness to move forward rather than backwards. Of course you'll make mistakes. Try to learn from it. Beating yourself up makes it harder to learn. There's studies on this I guess. Idk

Bye shower time passing torch I neglected many here I am sorry sorry sorry
Edit:
No! I just made a long post and lost it. Damn it. Hate when that happens

Haven't lost a post yet, lol. Thank you though and do take care of yourself.


I know it's fine for the most part to use "I" statements, just feels weird, lol. I love the name FYI.

 

[LRkin]

I haven't been as active here as I slowly get back into my normal life. I am feeling a lot better now. I had a really good climbing trip, we managed to climb 5 out of 6 days which is as much as I am physically able to climb in such a short amount of time. I am also quite fit again. From all the chocolate and other stuff I eat I suspect that I put on weight, but apparently I gained more muscles than fat, because I am back to being able to do 3 pull-ups on a pull up bar that I can just touch with my fingertips when standing.

That's some really good news. Personally, I don't think that being inactive for some time is a bad thing. Especially if you're doing some good progress. I hope you will get even better
***

Dammit I'm essay rambling again as always.

Rambling is not a bad thing. If venting helps you to clear your mind — it's more than okay (in my opinion, of course). After all, what's the point of having a comfortable space to share your thoughts and feelings, if you don't share them. And if it takes a big amount of words — so be it.
***

I'm slow to work up the guts to post here, but here I am. Looking to re-start my recovery process. Doing lots IRL to do ensure it happens.

Welcome back (if you posted there before), or... Just welcome
I hope your recovery process will be successful
***

The only drug that I certainly should have been more careful with is alcohol, but ironically this is barely considered a drug where I live, but a kind of food.

The bitter irony, isn't it? Alcohol is a very dangerous and addictive drug, causing (directly and indirectly) a lot of deaths, and yet... it's legal, and pot isn't (well, in most countries).
***

I think what makes me sad is that people reach out to me on my birhtday but not any other day of the year
like a checkbox excercise

This. I hate this hypocrisy. These people remeber that we exist only because they see notifications. As for me, I would be glad if all of them didn't reach out to me during my b-day.

I think secure attachment is love fully, connect to everything but don't attach to anything

It makes me wonder how one can be connected but not attached...
***

Selfishness isn't a bad thing as long as you have proper breaks and you use inwardness to move forward rather than backwards.

Selfishness is not a bad thing per se. Technically, every sentient being is selfish. IMHO it's all about the line between being selfish AND causing harm to other sentient beings that makes the difference.
***

As for me. The week was dull. The weather gets worse and worse. Which isn't surprising. Autumn is coming. I hate autumns. Usually, all the shitty stuff in my life happens during september and october. Not to mention my b-day, which still makes me restless and drives me crazy.
My parents asked me if I want to get a tour as a b-day gift. I said no. They insisted that Ihave to figure out a destination. I said "okay, I'll give it a thought". Obviously, I didn't. It's not like I don't want to go on a vacation. I just don't feel like I deserve it. I don't deserve anything, I guess. Just asked for some good belt (didn't say that I'll possibly use it to hang myself, but I didn't decide on doing it as well). To be fair, it feels like I stuck in a limbo.

Was thinking about my last gf. It's been almost two years. Still can't "let go" or shit. I hate it.

It's day 76 of my self-imposed torture. Lost 22 kg (48.5 lbs). Only halfway to my goal. And it doesn't make me feel better. When I was doing similar trick back in 2022, I felt something. Some sense of accomplishment. But now it's just empty. I don't even know hy I am doing it. Just suffering for the fun of it, I guess.

***

And yet here we stand. Sorry for being gloomy. And reading that some of us are actually getting better makes me feel a little better. I wish each and every one of users in this thread a good morning/day/evening/night.

 

[CrowsFeather]

***

Just checking in @StarsAbove, @CrowsFeather @infinitanocte @pickedmyctbdate

Just haven't heard from y'all for a while.

hope you are ok

I'm not online here too often
I'm fine-ish. Not good, not entirely bad. Right now more at a low point, but I found a new supplement that might help balance my hormones and I hope this will help at least somewhat with depression.

Hope everyone else is okay

 

[ConfusedClouds]

Thanks for the multiple reassurances about the posts/lengths. The issue in my mind is also that the rambling doesn't achieve much. Me kinda going in circles trying to explain/justify myself and/or put coherent words/sentences to the jumble. But it clears nothing out. Processes nothing. So I end up getting myself into a tangle and then add guilt for messing with other people's precious time. Like now. And then feel kinda crap when the common message is 'you don't have to justify anything to anyone' but I do, to me. Too much. Can't trust nor make sense of myself. But thats a me problem. In my past lives I almost had too many people (friends from uni, sports, jobs etc) which meant I could get away with rambling little and often and spreading it thinly and not burdening individuals. But then when the point came where I wanted/needed to make sense, I needed to direct it to one place for someone to try help decipher any patterns etc. but its too much. Noone would have the time/patience/resources to be physically able to do it. Therapist was that one point of contact as I moved away/ran but the 50 mins (plus email notes sent in advance) each week still just never felt like it was even touching the sides. And then I spooked and ran from her at christmas time too. So its just me myself and I and sasu I guess.

Though my gp is starting to get whiffs of my overthinking now I've a) actually got one and b) having to see him semi frequently with trying to work out this possible chronic rheumatology shite. I guess this is new territory. Next appt is Thurs and I'm kinda looking to complain about my shit consultant and am sending a wee email in advance to highlight a few bits where I forget and say nothing helpful in 15 mins. Also highlighting the (valid) overthinking associated to the uncertainty and scariness of the medical side of things.

imho not pointless ranting if you don't mind me asking questions
if they are good friends, they should be happy to reconnect assumiing you didn't burn any bad bridges
people have bad spells and events and I often think of my friends that went off the radar, and would include them if they came back

is this an option
or starting afresh?
you might be suprised, it will be a little humilating/embarssing,guilty

Most bridges were more along the lines of disappearing and ghosting and upsetting them. Even though the one I regret most specifically asked me not to disappear a couple of times as it would upset/hurt her. (First time was a new job so relocating and being posted overseas for several months to start, then again when I was on the edge of spooking and running). The sticking point is that yes I guess I probably could try going crawling back. But as you say, part embarrassing, part other emotions. But its the issue that I know I can't guarantee I won't do it again. And also there's always that lingering CTB threat. And now theres this possibility of me being in the process of becoming physically disabled. So thats just a dick move. Disappear for 4 years and resurface at a point when I'm just a needy waste of space. Not cool. Kinda like a plaster - better just ripping it off and being done with it rather than messing around coming and going. At least everyone knows where they stand. I'm gone.

i'm not (in my thoughts) convijnced recoveyr will work, but my behaviour shows otherwise, a little inconguent this experience has been

No, it may not. It may. If only we could know the future. But the main thing for me seeing your posts is the fact that medical professionals and fellow (non suicidal) humans can actually be understanding and not just lock you up in some horror story like a lot of sasu would have you believe. Not saying that doesn't happen, but its not the only thing that ever happens. I guess its kinda opening my eyes and reminding me not to write stuff off too quick without personal experience.

try replace sorry --> thank you

Hehe. You got me. But I can't! You did get a 'but thanks' tagged on the end, which is my version of progress. Or I end up in a neverending loop of sorry thanks but sorry but thanks...

No! I just made a long post and lost it. Damn it. Hate when that happens

Nooooooooo. So frustrating. Especially somewhere like here where its a lot of stream of consciousness and it just can't be replicated. Gutted for you. I'm glad you didn't get yourself worked up and try to recreate it, you just moved on and accepted its gone.


Welcome to new joiners to this thread too!

 

[never mind me]

where do you go travelling? What countries/parts of the world!

Everywhere I can really. I chose early on I want to see as much of the world as I can. So I go about it strategically, visiting places closer to home on short trips, doing longer trips to far flung destinatinos and open end/several months of travelling at at time to places that are at the other side ot the world.

It's day 76 of my self-imposed torture. Lost 22 kg (48.5 lbs). Only halfway to my goal. And it doesn't make me feel better. When I was doing similar trick back in 2022, I felt something. Some sense of accomplishment. But now it's just empty. I don't even know hy I am doing it. Just suffering for the fun of it, I guess.

Would it be an option to lose weight in a more healthy way? Like not cutting down your calories that much? It might make it easier to keep the lower weight long term, too.

I am in a very weird state of mind. I feel sad, because a good friend of mine doesn't respond to a message since almost a week. This is not so unusual for her, I guess she is not so good at responding to messages and I don't meet her as often as I would like any more, because she seems to have other stuff on her mind and she is also chronically ill (MS). But it still makes me sad, but I feel like I really shouldn't be so disappointed, because she helped me (and reacted quickly) when I really needed it and she was also very supportive and even messaged me a lot (despite it being extremely untypical for her!) earlier this summer when I felt really bad and told her about my suicidal ideation.
It's a similar story with another friend, but he is quite chaotic in general and we also don't see each other as much since he moved to a different city (although he still lives in the greater metropolitan area).
So I know I shouldn't feel like people don't like me, but it still always makes me sad. The irony is that I don't even enjoy meeting the friends I still meet as much, beause I feel so bored not being able to take drugs with them. There is one friend I only meet ocassionally I haven't even bothered to call at all despite being back to my city for 6 weeks now.
Yesterday I felt quite down, because of the whole situation and I could literally feel my body tensing up which is quite bad for my voice and also the reflux. I took some THC that improved my mental state, but seemed to worsen the reflux again (although I noticed the reflux bothering me again even before I took THC again). Last night I slept very little, because I went to bed late and woke too early, because I was paranoid about missing my appointment for voice therapy.

But the really weird thing is that although things aren't that horrible any more and it seems very likely that eventually everything will get back to normal I fantasize about hanging myself again. I am really annoyed by the fact that I can't do it in my home and the fact that I am able to do pull ups again worries me, because I read threads about people being able to free themselves when trying FSH from a tree by pulling themselves back up. Knowing myself I don't think it is even realistic that I would actually go through with it right now, because after all I didn't do it when I felt a lot worse and didn't really know if and how I can fix my health problems. But still the thought feels oddly comforting and it really bothers me that it might not be as easy to do it as I would wish (regarding logistics). The good thing is that I know I could still do it, if I really wanted to, it might only require a bit more preparation: I could either take amphetamines for a week or 2 to reduce my physical strength and take benzodiazepines before committing as they relax the muscles and cause you to have less physical strength while you are on them. Or I could wait for my boy-friend to be away for work for a few days (this happens a few times a year) and hang myself in his appartment (he has a bathroom door that has a stable handle and is high enough). Obviously I would only seriously consider either option, if I was a lot more desperate, but I feel like I need to know that it is at least still possible to escape this whole shitshow, if I choose to do so. Feeling trapped in life just makes me feel a lot worse and then I just don't want to be even bothered with doing voice therapy exercices or anything that is meant to improve my life.

 

[LRkin]

the rambling doesn't achieve much. Me kinda going in circles trying to explain/justify myself and/or put coherent words/sentences to the jumble. But it clears nothing out. Processes nothing.

In my opinion, rambling shows the way a person's mind works. Even when it's incoherent, it shows said incoherency. It's your footprint of sorts.

Would it be an option to lose weight in a more healthy way? Like not cutting down your calories that much? It might make it easier to keep the lower weight long term, too.

Maybe it could be, buuuut... As I mentioned, it's a self-torture. Straight up. Losing weight is secondary to the harm I do to myself. It's my method of SH. Because cutting, bruising and pouring boiling water leaves marks. But losing weight is celebrated and people around me won't question it (because they don't know any better).

 

[meuine]

Hi everyone, I'm 22F and in the uk.

I used to be on this site last year and was actively suicidal but I've since deleted my posts. After some failed attempts I decided to get help and fortunately, I was able to repeat my university year.

But it's been a very hard journey where things seemed to be looking better but I slowly started to decline these past few months. I've had several attempts recently and really thought I would ctb but I guess I forgot how scary and painful it was. I managed to message a close friend and they gave me the courage to try get help.

My current situation is at the worst it's ever been - I've missed my exams due to the attempts so I'm being kicked out of my uni (also means a lot of student debt along with no degree), my finances aren't great and I'm renting a flat in a very expensive city, the job market is already very bleak here and is even worse now that I have no degree/experience, and I will likely be disowned by my very traditional asian parents.

I'm very scared of what my future will be like because of my stupid decisions. I'll be calling 111 to get an urgent appointment with my GP and will try meet with my university's student support team soon. I'm trying to think of what to do in terms of job-hunting (if I should look in my city or look in my home town) and how to confess everything to my parents. I hope I could get some guidance and reassurance on the next steps and my official start to recovery?

 

[Cloud Busting]

@ConfusedClouds

Here's the thing with me. I take what was lost and try to consider the main gist. It's the vibe that's more important than anything else. It was in response to @NZkiwi regarding spirituality and what my spirit token means to me. Chirpy the bird. And fascination when he said maybe suicidal ideation is his God. And a bunch of songs to represent my feelings. And I still remember those songs. I'm honestly more angry at lost wasted time (especially since my time management do be crap as it is.)

It's not the final end product I care about. More that I'm not wasting time for nothing, or a fear others will scold and judge me for my mistakes. And restrict my freedom and lose faith in me due to it.

You and @LRkin both really seem to struggle with perfectionism and I can't quite relate. But it's very human, a common struggle for many. (: I want to discuss my therapy more. I know also @never mind me was curious. I think it will just be easier to tag some of yall in my own personal recovery thread. So it's easier to be more personal ^^

So that's what I learned from my "failure" which was more a waste of time than a failure to me.

@LRkin i do not understand why you are apologizing for being grumpy or unavailable! Dude this is a suicide board. It's to be expected. If I wanted sunshines and rainbows and people who are always available I wouldn't be here. I think it's interesting you feel "not normal." Did you ever consider more ppl feel like you than you realize, and they don't open up due to stigma? I wonder how mental illness is viewed in your country. Did you know that soldiers in WWI were considering lacking moral fiber if they developed shell shock and didn't "earn" it the right way? Ignorance and stigma is not reality. Having difficulty means you're human, not not cut out for this world. ): please go easy on yourself friend, you're so dedicated and hardworking! But it seems you feel it didn't pay off… so what did you do it all for? I've felt that way myself. But if that's not how you feel please correct me. I love criticism it won't offend me.

@Musiclover338 hey saw you posted about not looking forward to your birthday… well I skimmed. I hope you're ok. I fucking hate birthdays. Another reminder of death. Lmfao. just checking in. Sorry you're struggling man. I guess struggle is what makes us human. I mean evolution… haha yes I'm one of THOSE ppl.

@UltraAlter hey! You still in therapy? Still going well? I love your positivity it's so genuine. If you're not feeling positive that's ok, no one is positive all the time. Wishing you well.

@meuine

Sorry I've yet to read what you wrote but I want to provide acknowledgement and a welcome. Passing the torch to someone else bc


Today is boyfriends disability determination appointment we are nervous oh god

And o struggle to organize I live a messy life and schedules and planners piss me off


But we worked out a plan. Gonna make breakie

This be Ana signing off to bust all the clouds and make em rain tears of joy

 

[Musiclover338]

Hi everyone, I'm 22F and in the uk.

I used to be on this site last year and was actively suicidal but I've since deleted my posts. After some failed attempts I decided to get help and fortunately, I was able to repeat my university year.

But it's been a very hard journey where things seemed to be looking better but I slowly started to decline these past few months. I've had several attempts recently and really thought I would ctb but I guess I forgot how scary and painful it was. I managed to message a close friend and they gave me the courage to try get help.

My current situation is at the worst it's ever been - I've missed my exams due to the attempts so I'm being kicked out of my uni (also means a lot of student debt along with no degree), my finances aren't great and I'm renting a flat in a very expensive city, the job market is already very bleak here and is even worse now that I have no degree/experience, and I will likely be disowned by my very traditional asian parents.

I'm very scared of what my future will be like because of my stupid decisions. I'll be calling 111 to get an urgent appointment with my GP and will try meet with my university's student support team soon. I'm trying to think of what to do in terms of job-hunting (if I should look in my city or look in my home town) and how to confess everything to my parents. I hope I could get some guidance and reassurance on the next steps and my official start to recovery?

im 10 years older than you and all i can say is, once i was done with school i got alot less depressed and suicidal, even tho i didnt graduate the pressure was off... Felt a big relief off my shoulders. Also i felt more emotional back then like it was harder to control.

@Cloud Busting doing alot better now .... i think ( lets not jinx myself LOL) i guess im forced to go to the gym to feel mentally sane. which sucks