"I'd like to feel a bit better/ I'd like to recover" Support Group Megathread

[Adûnâi]

Today, May 1st, I finally:
1) bookmarked and closed all my browser tabs (8 windows);
2) installed SillyTavern and tried DeepSeek-r1 a bit;
3) cleaned my PC and desk;
4) reinstalled Warcraft 3 and practiced an old micro map (I haven't played PC games since 2023 or even earlier due to extreme laziness and Mobile Legends degeneration);
5) cleaned up my cringy shrine.

This has been so impactful that there appears to be a bee in my kitchen. Now I'm gonna be permanently scared to go there. I actually fell on my ASS running away, felt so youthful, like the East Prussian grannies in 1945. (Don't look at me like that, horses get scared, too, and horses are noble creatures.)

It's curious to note that when I took a shower on April 28, I noticed that there opened enough space between my bed and the wall potentially to clean it. Before that, the space was too narrow, and I was too wary to move it as there's a frail internet cable there.

Also, my old Nazi friend, who reconnected with me Feb 28, might have killed himself April 26 due to "nothing ever happening" and a broken heart. He had entertained the notion for a few weeks already, but that night was rather unexpected, and all I had the time to say was "you're so epic". I wish he had waited until at least September 2025, just to see if there's a nuclear war this summer : ( But he was legit superior to me, just like the Japanese girl was, too, and unlike her, he was in full control, and had taken the most out of life anyway.

Games for me to play:
1) Blizzard: WC3, Diablo 2 mods, WoW Ascension, maybe WoW MoP;
2) Steam: Age of Mythology, Gun Metal (nostalgia), Portal 2 (I finished Portal 1 Dec 2023), maybe try out Supervive, Marvel Rivals and Strinova.

 

[plantbehindme]

um this is in general i feel is super pathetic, but at this point i'm getting desperate to ask online for advice

i have sunk to such a low point i can't even think or do basic things about important things

like, rationally, i can tell myself that if i work on almost anything in my life, i'd increase my chances at less suffering in the future

but emotionally, the impulse to just not do anything and do silly things like read or watch random crap on the internet is really strong

and i think the reason why I've gotten to such a low point

is because almost every time i have to think about the important things in my life, i'm swamped by regret and other bad things but mostly regret, and it's so emotionally strong it's making me have psychosomatic chest pain, or maybe an anxiety attack, i dont even know the proper terms
and that i perceive no emotional reward to even working on these things, it feels like i'll be damned if i do, and damned if i don't, so why not just give up? this i know is wrong, there's degrees of being damned, but i seem to have forgotten how to keep this in mind

I've heard somewhere online that I should give myself some lenience and forgiveness
like, I've starved myself because i wanted to avoid going to the kitchen or the dinner room, because either it meant that i was going to be around my parents, or at risk of being around my parents, or just being reminded of what it's like around my parents
and I've forsaken much sleep for either catching up on work (which was almost a sunk cost fallacy each time) or just to distract myself with just general brainrot
and asking my parents for help regarding this seems impossible, and i can't even properly verbalize why here for now, because... i literally froze up as i was writing this, i can't even conceive of how to start even thinking about that, and i would never have posted this to ask for help, so i'm skipping past this for now

i have a strong preinclination against complaining, asking for help, or even asking basic questions about my situation,
because, i shouldn't complain/ask, because either other people have worse woes, other people will find my complaints annoying, i'll be embarrassed if the solution turns out to be simple or the problem isn't really a problem at all
and i know all of this is just catastrophizing, like, just to attack one of my faulty ideas, so what if people have worse woes, that's not exactly a good logical step because there always exists a person who has it worse, so by induction, all woes except for the very worst ones, don't matter at all, et cetera

i think my best idea to fight against all this so far
is to somehow try and remember that there exists, objectively speaking, other people that have suffered through and have or will have persisted through the same type of problems that present me
write down all my feelings, all my terror, down on a physical piece of paper, just as emotional processing, just reminding myself each step of the way that i really am working towards my goal, because "just do it" doesn't seem like a realistic possibility for me anymore
and maybe complain more? despite my strong bias against doing that?

 

[plantbehindme]

um this is in general i feel is super pathetic, but at this point i'm getting desperate to ask online for advice

i have sunk to such a low point i can't even think or do basic things about important things

like, rationally, i can tell myself that if i work on almost anything in my life, i'd increase my chances at less suffering in the future

but emotionally, the impulse to just not do anything and do silly things like read or watch random crap on the internet is really strong

and i think the reason why I've gotten to such a low point

is because almost every time i have to think about the important things in my life, i'm swamped by regret and other bad things but mostly regret, and it's so emotionally strong it's making me have psychosomatic chest pain, or maybe an anxiety attack, i dont even know the proper terms
and that i perceive no emotional reward to even working on these things, it feels like i'll be damned if i do, and damned if i don't, so why not just give up? this i know is wrong, there's degrees of being damned, but i seem to have forgotten how to keep this in mind

I've heard somewhere online that I should give myself some lenience and forgiveness
like, I've starved myself because i wanted to avoid going to the kitchen or the dinner room, because either it meant that i was going to be around my parents, or at risk of being around my parents, or just being reminded of what it's like around my parents
and I've forsaken much sleep for either catching up on work (which was almost a sunk cost fallacy each time) or just to distract myself with just general brainrot
and asking my parents for help regarding this seems impossible, and i can't even properly verbalize why here for now, because... i literally froze up as i was writing this, i can't even conceive of how to start even thinking about that, and i would never have posted this to ask for help, so i'm skipping past this for now

i have a strong preinclination against complaining, asking for help, or even asking basic questions about my situation,
because, i shouldn't complain/ask, because either other people have worse woes, other people will find my complaints annoying, i'll be embarrassed if the solution turns out to be simple or the problem isn't really a problem at all
and i know all of this is just catastrophizing, like, just to attack one of my faulty ideas, so what if people have worse woes, that's not exactly a good logical step because there always exists a person who has it worse, so by induction, all woes except for the very worst ones, don't matter at all, et cetera

i think my best idea to fight against all this so far
is to somehow try and remember that there exists, objectively speaking, other people that have suffered through and have or will have persisted through the same type of problems that present me
write down all my feelings, all my terror, down on a physical piece of paper, just as emotional processing, just reminding myself each step of the way that i really am working towards my goal, because "just do it" doesn't seem like a realistic possibility for me anymore
and maybe complain more? despite my strong bias against doing that?

and the mood swings are crazy lmao

i just had like basically a 4 hour long time together with a friend and i feel like i can tolerate the world and all my stupid ass mistakes again

 

[Noct]

I just wish I had someone who cared that I'm really suicidal, and gave me support in a way that's actually substantial and not just 5minutes of platitudes, empty promises, or interrogations that leave me feeling worse and more gutted and guarded rather than more willing to share and try and get better.

If someone cared to even check in every once in a while or someone who was genuinely concerned about my current life state and mental state I feel like it would help me get through the really really hard few months I've had that have caused cyclical stress break downs every few odd weeks on and off.

I've tried with friends and professionals in person and yet, nothing has changed other than getting worse or getting flat out ignored. My online friends and I have drifted apart and I'm moving states in a few months. All in all it's a recipe for isolation disaster without me even trying. People are so accustomed to my struggle that they no longer think it's worth of a cursory glance even though I've always tried not to make it anyone's problem or talk about it unless I really needed help.

—————————————————​

Sorry it's very vent like more than support seeking but I guess this is the final place I'm teeing it reach out for a person or something before I just give up. It's not my best ask but I figure if I can talk about it honestly with anyone it's probably on here somewhere.