I won’t survive this

[burninghill]

I can't do this anymore, I know I post so often about being over this but I really am. I keep trying to get back into my hobbies, art, but it just doesn't work. I've spent 2 weeks 'planning' a painting. I'm just procrastinating because I'm only doing it so I'm perceived as productive.

All I do is sleep until 4pm then play games, my parents are starting to notice that I haven't been down for lunch. I've told them I have trouble sleeping which is why I've been so out of it but they don't really care all that much.
I'm get headache and stomach aches every day and I can barely stay awake.

I just want the motivation to die, if God really wants this for me then he'll give me the power to do it. I have a plan, I have access. I have everything I need.

It's so hard not to relapse, it's all I think about. Cutting, DPH, alcohol. At least when I used them I was happy. I want to get high again so I'm not stuck on this site posting every day about how miserable I am when nothing comes of it.

I'm starting to think maybe I should just kill myself before it gets bad again, before I feel like I've got a hole in my chest every single day and I'm begging to die. I'm going to relapse tomorrow.

I'm sorry for the rambles but I just can't do it. I'm triggering myself on purpose because I want to do it so bad.

 

[bagel12]

I keep trying to get back into my hobbies, art, but it just doesn't work. I've spent 2 weeks 'planning' a painting. I'm just procrastinating because I'm only doing it so I'm perceived as productive.

All I do is sleep until 4pm then play games, my parents are starting to notice that I haven't been down for lunch. I've told them I have trouble sleeping which is why I've been so out of it but they don't really care all that much.
I'm get headache and stomach aches every day and I can barely stay awake.

i'm so sorry you're going through this :( i relate to this a lot. procrastinating everything, even hobbies i want to do, because it feels like an obligation. sleeping during the day (because i cant sleep at night), wasting time, can't be bothered to eat or shower. i'm so close to relapsing too, on drugs or sh, just to feel something positive for once.

i was wondering if you have adhd too? just because your description matches my experience a lot. my adhd meds are the only thing that ever helped me feel ok. when i took them, i actually enjoyed doing things and had a will to live. but i got depressed and stopped seeing my psychiatrist, so i don't have meds anymore. i know that if i don't get back on my meds, it's going to to get really bad. but it's so hard to work up the motivation to call the psychiatrist and set up an appointment. i just can't be bothered.

anyway i just wanted to say that you aren't alone in feeling this way, and i'm sorry you're dealing with this and there is no need to apologize for rambling, that's why this forum exists in the first place

 

[burninghill]

i'm so sorry you're going through this :( i relate to this a lot. procrastinating everything, even hobbies i want to do, because it feels like an obligation. sleeping during the day, wasting time, can't be bothered to eat or shower. i'm so close to relapsing too, on drugs or sh, just to feel something positive for once.

i was wondering if you have adhd too? my adhd meds are the only thing that ever helped me feel ok. when i took them, i actually enjoyed doing things and had a will to live. but i got depressed and stopped seeing my psychiatrist, so i don't have meds anymore. i know that if i don't get back on my meds, it's going to to get really bad. but it's so hard to work up the motivation to call the psychiatrist and set up an appointment. i just can't be bothered.

anyway i just wanted to say that you aren't alone in feeling this way, and i'm sorry you're dealing with this and there is no need to apologize for rambling, that's why this forum exists in the first place

God I loved to eat but my appetite has really died down, I only eat maybe half of what I normally would at dinner and a few snacks in the afternoon, no breakfast or lunch. I'm just not hungry anymore. As for showering, it's rare for me honestly. As long as my hair isn't greasy it's fine, sometimes I just wash it in the sink.

I just get so bored, that's primarily what makes me want to relapse. Bored and miserable and tired. If I could be bothered to clean up the blood then I'd cut myself a lot more.

I'm not sure, I don't have any formal diagnosis but I'm sure I have autism, then possibly also bipolar 2, among, well, depression. I understand what you're saying about appointments being hard, I've got terrible insomnia and a doctor 2 minutes away from my house but it all just seems like too much work to try and get help, and also getting help in itself is scary. I'm not sure if I want to get better, it seems easier just to die.

Thank you for your reply <3 I recognise your username so your kind words mean even more

 

[bagel12]

God I loved to eat but my appetite has really died down, I only eat maybe half of what I normally would at dinner and a few snacks in the afternoon, no breakfast or lunch. I'm just not hungry anymore. As for showering, it's rare for me honestly. As long as my hair isn't greasy it's fine, sometimes I just wash it in the sink.

I just get so bored, that's primarily what makes me want to relapse. Bored and miserable and tired. If I could be bothered to clean up the blood then I'd cut myself a lot more.

I'm not sure, I don't have any formal diagnosis but I'm sure I have autism, then possibly also bipolar 2, among, well, depression. I understand what you're saying about appointments being hard, I've got terrible insomnia and a doctor 2 minutes away from my house but it all just seems like too much work to try and get help, and also getting help in itself is scary. I'm not sure if I want to get better, it seems easier just to die.

Thank you for your reply <3 I recognise your username so your kind words mean even more

i feel the same way, i used to love food, but eating feels like a chore now, unless it tastes really good :( and yeah .. i hate being greasy but i cant get myself to shower consistently. it makes me feel better that im not the only one.

the boredom is the worst. nothing feels worth the effort. it's a cliche but it's like life went from having color to black and white. now everything is either overstimulating or understimulating. almost nothing feels good or is interesting, except for bad coping mechanisms lol.

im autistic too! i feel like there are a lot of autistic people on here. maybe that's why i get along with people here. people are a lot nicer here than irl.

i'm sorry about the insomnia :( insomnia sucks so much. i get ~3 hours of sleep, usually during the day. recently i found some things that helped the insomnia a little, and i do feel better from the extra hour or two of sleep. but i'm still exhausted and nonfunctional. i think things would take less effort and seem more appealing if i could sleep as much as a normal person, but it feels impossible to sleep even half that much.

it makes me feel better that i'm not the only one who thinks appointments are too much work. because everyone i know irl thinks it's easy or trivial, but it feels impossibly difficult for me. plus i really hate change, and getting help means that things would change.

if one day you do decide that you want help, maybe you could get a family member or friend to set up the appointment, so you don't have to do the work? but no matter what you choose to do, sasu is here to support you and i hope it helps a little that you aren't the only one who feels this way

omg i feel honored that my username was recognized! the reasoning behind it is predictable (i like bagels). i like your username too :)

 

[burninghill]

nothing feels worth the effort

Genuinely, I could get up and do stuff but I just have no motivation. I want to do things but… I also don't. It's hard to explain to an outside perspective but I'm sure you understand. It's just the all encompassing exhaustion.

I get a normal amount of sleep, just at weird times. I normally can't sleep until around 6am and then I wake up at 3-4pm, which is terrible. I'm sorry you have trouble sleeping, it's honestly the worst especially if boredom is something you struggle with. Not being able to sleep is so frustrating.

My mum was going to help me with appointments but she became disabled. Maybe one day I'll manage it, I do have a lot of support around me even if it doesn't eel that way.

You're so awesome LMAO bagels are yummy. I usually rock with a cinnamon raisin bagel and cream cheese + chorizo ontop :P

 

[bagel12]

Genuinely, I could get up and do stuff but I just have no motivation. I want to do things but… I also don't. It's hard to explain to an outside perspective but I'm sure you understand. It's just the all encompassing exhaustion.

I get a normal amount of sleep, just at weird times. I normally can't sleep until around 6am and then I wake up at 3-4pm, which is terrible. I'm sorry you have trouble sleeping, it's honestly the worst especially if boredom is something you struggle with. Not being able to sleep is so frustrating.

My mum was going to help me with appointments but she became disabled. Maybe one day I'll manage it, I do have a lot of support around me even if it doesn't eel that way.

You're so awesome LMAO bagels are yummy. I usually rock with a cinnamon raisin bagel and cream cheese + chorizo ontop :P

i'm sorry to hear about your mom :( big health changes are hard to deal with. i hope she is able to access support for her disability.

no way, i fall asleep around 6am too. i feel like back in the paleolithic it would have been useful to have this sleep schedule, keeping watch for predators or something. but nooo, modern society wants us all to wake up at the same time

oo the bagel combo you described sounds good! i gotta try that, i have soyrizo in the fridge (im vegetarian).

im a fan of everything bagels with cream cheese, veggie sausage/veggie bacon, pesto, tomatoes, roasted red peppers, arugula, olives, and black pepper. sometimes i swap out the pesto with something else like jam, hummus, peanut butter, guac, chili crisp, or harissa paste, and swap out some veggies too.

imo the shape and texture of bagels makes them more fun to eat than regular sandwiches :) one time i had a bagel with honey walnut cream cheese and it was so awesome

 

[CrawlingInMySkin]

I'm sorry to hear that, mate. You've been so nice to me on this site and I want to try to help! Any progress is good progress. Any tiny thing that you can either A. Do better each day or B. Get closer to cbt each day, is good progress. Anything you can do. I hope you can get past it, my friend. Love and peace to you! :)

 

[burninghill]

I'm sorry to hear that, mate. You've been so nice to me on this site and I want to try to help! Any progress is good progress. Any tiny thing that you can either A. Do better each day or B. Get closer to cbt each day, is good progress. Anything you can do. I hope you can get past it, my friend. Love and peace to you! :)

I'm proud of myself for getting this far and not using DPH, that's something at least, but I think I'm going to relapse tonight. It's too difficult to resist and not worth it at all.

 

[CrawlingInMySkin]

I'm proud of myself for getting this far and not using DPH, that's something at least, but I think I'm going to relapse tonight. It's too difficult to resist and not worth it at all.

You can do it, mate. Do everything you can not to, because it seems like it's something you want to stop doing, so, I'll say try your very best. Even if you do relapse, just fighting it for a while is good progress. And if you do end up not doing it, even better. Good luck, my friend.