i wish someone really loved me

[Yuja]

I don't mean like parental love or platonic love (although I would also want that) but in a romantic way.

To spend your time with someone who you know wants to be there as much as you do. To have that reassurance that the other party is willing to spend their precious time with you. To laugh and joke around with you. Eat together with you. Say goodbye and text each other when you're not together. I wish I had that.

I do it to myself though. Because of whatever excuse I come up with in my head I end up always avoiding people. How can I even develop a deep intimate relationship with someone when I never put myself out there. It's like sitting and waiting until someone magically appears in my life and fulfills all of the desires that I've had all this time. It's so delusional haha.

I wish I was more sociable but I can't. I hate myself. How can I love someone when I can't love myself. Is it even a yearning for love that I desire or is my brain tricking me? I don't know what I want anymore I just want to feel at peace. I just want to run away from everything. No matter how much I pray I know that whatever I wish for will never come true. Maybe it's because I think that it will never come true that it will actually never happen. Which in that case, I guess I just. i dont know anymore. i dont even know if any of this makes sense

 

[kipper]

i understand the feeling. i have had partners but none who were truly willing to actually be with me. my previous rs lasted a few years but i havent been able to find anyone again since then.

 

[Yuja]

i understand the feeling. i have had partners but none who were truly willing to actually be with me. my previous rs lasted a few years but i havent been able to find anyone again since then.

A few years is quite a committed relationship though. You can't tell me that you guys didn't truly want to be with each other at some point right?

 

[kipper]

A few years is quite a committed relationship though. You can't tell me that you guys didn't truly want to be with each other at some point right?

maybe at the start... but at some point it was moved on from on their end and i just wasnt told, so im not sure of how much of it was spent with it being one-sided.

 

[ugly_soul]

Same, I wish I mattered to someone

 

[Yuja]

maybe at the start... but at some point it was moved on from on their end and i just wasnt told, so im not sure of how much of it was spent with it being one-sided.

well I'm sorry to hear that. I hope that we both find our soulmates before it's too late :)

 

[Somewhat Suicidal]

I also know the OPs feeling all to well for many years now.

but at some point it was moved on from on their end and i just wasnt told, so im not sure of how much of it was spent with it being one-sided.

same for my only long term relationship... that shit hurts. As for the rest of the shorter term things that used to happen, they never felt the same and also I was always dumped in the end. Add some rejection from others where things didn't even materialise at all to it and I was pretty much here:

Because of whatever excuse I come up with in my head I end up always avoiding people. How can I even develop a deep intimate relationship with someone when I never put myself out there. It's like sitting and waiting until someone magically appears in my life and fulfills all of the desires that I've had all this time.

Only difference is I know exactly why I end up avoiding people (and even if I don't occasionally nothing changes): I developed pretty serious rejection sensitivity dysphoria due to these past experiences.