Venting i wish i wasnt afraid of pain

[acdef0]

i know i wouldnt be having any of these problems if i wasnt such a baby, but the one thing holding me back from actually attempting is my fear of pain and the idea that if i dont succeed then i might end up disabled for the rest of my life.

i hope someday ill be able to man up and attempt in whichever way i choose no matter how painful it is. i know theres relatively painless methods out there but im not smart or technical enough to actually be able to go through with doing doing them.

it sucks because i carry a lot of guilt from a few years ago when i was a terrible person who did whatever i wanted. i hurt a lot of people, and i cant even fathom the idea of being hurt by my own attempt for just a few moments. i really wish i would stop pitying myself

im sorry for complaining

 

[stinky_joe]

I think you can tolerate more pain by slowly increasing the amount. I used to self harm a few years ago, it started by me using a pair of small scissors to scrtch my skin and make it red to kind of draw stuff. Then I made a small cut on the back of my hand where it didnt hurt much. I started making deeper cuts, sometimes making multiple slices on the same spot to make it deeper. I think it is possible to progress like this.

Though, it would be better to just accept who you were, what you did, maybe try to apologise to the people you hurt and just look forward. You dont need to hate yourself for the rest of your life, you should just become a better person who doesnt want to hurt people but only wants to make them happy. Maybe you will become a brtter person and your life will be worth living, youll be glad that you did not take your life. You just need to keep moving forward trying to reach the end of the tunnel. Im sure you can do it.