Love is honestly pandora's box for me. It's a beautiful feeling, I cherish it every time. And have all the intentions in the world for it to be pure and good. But it seems to open up every dark corner and repressed trauma response I've ever had. And every romantic adventure I've had throughout life, has just made things worse and worse. I no longer think I am capable of being in a relationship, I am just too messed up.
Celibacy has been a relief in that sense. But I can understand the pain form yearning for human connection and a deep love that makes you feel wanted and understood.
I hope that you find it, and if brings you the peace you seek. Even if for a while.