I wish I could be happy

[DasDasDAS]

It pisses me off the fact that life didn't work out for me... There are so many things I wanted to do... I didn't want to die... I just wanted to be happy... Not to feel so lonely... Not to hate myself so much... I just wish the things I try to do worked at least sometimes...

Does anyone else feel the same?

 

[Rain_Hermit]

Yeah I understand how you feel.My circumstances are downright horrible and I am burdened with a lot of mental health problems.I don't want to die either but it's only going to get terrible from here on out so death will be my only escape.

 

[motel rooms]

It pisses me off the fact that life didn't work out for me... There are so many things I wanted to do... I didn't want to die... I just wanted to be happy... Not to feel so lonely... Not to hate myself so much... I just wish the things I try to do worked at least sometimes...

Why do you want to ctb? You don't have to answer, ofc.

 

[DasDasDAS]

Yeah I understand how you feel.My circumstances are downright horrible and I am burdened with a lot of mental health problems.I don't want to die either but it's only going to get terrible from here on out so death will be my only escape.

I find it more sad that someone is put in a situation like this thin I do for when someone in this situation actually does ctb... Hope things get better for you if possible...

Why do you want to ctb? You don't have to answer, ofc.

I find it hard to talk about these things... Sorry I would prefer not to...

 

[GentleJerk]

Yep I feel you. It's devastating when you try everything and nothing works. Good luck and I hope you can get some satisfaction!

 

[Rain_Hermit]

I find it more sad that someone is put in a situation like this thin I do for when someone in this situation actually does ctb... Hope things get better for you if possible...

I wish the same for you as well.

 

[FuneralCry]

For me personally, I have never wanted to be alive and nothing would ever make me want to live, but I can imagine it must be a hopeless feeling to be unable to have the life you want. Life is very unfair and cruel and I'm sorry you are going through this. Whatever happens, I wish you the best.

 

[eternalpeace]

I feel exactly the same way. I had always wanted just a little group of friends and a mediocre career, with just enough money to finally pay my student loans (even if not until I'm 90 lol). Originally I wanted a lucrative, illustrious career but I had to keep adjusting my expectations because I just couldn't work steadily without ending up in the hospital and being off for months. Eventually I settled on just being able to do the job every day. I decided I could manage as long as I had the job, even if I was never promoted. Then I decided I could even live without any friends, just as long as I could eek out some level of financial stability and at least be able to say I was doing the occupation that I spent 9 years training for. Now I can't work at all, and I don't see how I can even build anything tolerable, let alone happy. I never felt happy while working either, and I have been in agony for the better part of the last two decades, but I did manage to derive some self esteem from working hard, and from the respect that my profession often commanded. Without those small rewards, I cant Even justify taking up space on the planet. (Not saying that people who don't work cannot have meaningful, happy lives. I know they can and many do). It's just that it was the one thing I put all my effort into, so I don't have anything else like a partner, or kids, or even an aptitude for a hobby to make life tolerable.

 

[DasDasDAS]

I feel exactly the same way. I had always wanted just a little group of friends and a mediocre career, with just enough money to finally pay my student loans (even if not until I'm 90 lol). Originally I wanted a lucrative, illustrious career but I had to keep adjusting my expectations because I just couldn't work steadily without ending up in the hospital and being off for months. Eventually I settled on just being able to do the job every day. I decided I could manage as long as I had the job, even if I was never promoted. Then I decided I could even live without any friends, just as long as I could eek out some level of financial stability and at least be able to say I was doing the occupation that I spent 9 years training for. Now I can't work at all, and I don't see how I can even build anything tolerable, let alone happy. I never felt happy while working either, and I have been in agony for the better part of the last two decades, but I did manage to derive some self esteem from working hard, and from the respect that my profession often commanded. Without those small rewards, I cant Even justify taking up space on the planet. (Not saying that people who don't work cannot have meaningful, happy lives. I know they can and many do). It's just that it was the one thing I put all my effort into, so I don't have anything else like a partner, or kids, or even an aptitude for a hobby to make life tolerable.

Feeling like you failed in your professional life is something that really brings people down, i understand that. It's not what is getting to me but I've had some of it...
What happened to you that prevents you from working? (No need to answer is you don't feel like doing so)

 

[Painless_end]

My feelings are similar to yours. But unlike many of those here, I am not actively suicidal.

Suicide lurks at the back of my mind always, and many situations trigger me towards suicidal thoughts, but I am not yet able to actively kill myself nor do I think I will have that courage in future either.

I honestly wish I was never born. The problem with being born and then being a loser with little hope of being financially independent, is that I end up feeling like a complete loser many times, and yet suicide seems like a huge personal responsibility that I can't bear.

So the ideal situation would have been to not be born, atleast if some other kind of person had been born to my parents instead of me, they would have been happier.

It seems I will have to find a way to live with my mental miseries, horrible as they are.

 

[DasDasDAS]

My feelings are similar to yours. But unlike many of those here, I am not actively suicidal.

Suicide lurks at the back of my mind always, and many situations trigger me towards suicidal thoughts, but I am not yet able to actively kill myself nor do I think I will have that courage in future either.

I honestly wish I was never born. The problem with being born and then being a loser with little hope of being financially independent, is that I end up feeling like a complete loser many times, and yet suicide seems like a huge personal responsibility that I can't bear.

So the ideal situation would have been to not be born, atleast if some other kind of person had been born to my parents instead of me, they would have been happier.

It seems I will have to find a way to live with my mental miseries, horrible as they are.

I've had that feeling before too when I was younger... Wishing to have never been born or that something would kill me so i didn't have to. Something like a car crash or a stray bullet... Guess it's probably very common.

 

[Nightmare Painting]

For me personally, I have never wanted to be alive and nothing would ever make me want to live, but I can imagine it must be a hopeless feeling to be unable to have the life you want. Life is very unfair and cruel and I'm sorry you are going through this. Whatever happens, I wish you the best.

I can relate, I never had any kind of drive to be alive but I think that's because I was left "broken" at a very young age. Some things would keep me here longer but nothing would make me want to genuinely stay alive in this hellscape either.

 

[absoluteanimal1]

I can totally relate to those feelings, I'm sorry you have them too.

 

[eternalpeace]

Feeling like you failed in your professional life is something that really brings people down, i understand that. It's not what is getting to me but I've had some of it...
What happened to you that prevents you from working? (No need to answer is you don't feel like doing so)

A combination of mental illness (bipolar type 2 with treatment resistant depression, complicated by ADHD and bulimia) and MS. I kept trying and trying to go back to work after various hospitalizations and lengthy absences, but I was never able to function well enough to perform adequately for any length of time. The hospitalizations and absences kept increasing in frequency and duration, and finally the doctors told me that I had to accept that I just couldn't go back to work. On previous occasions I had always forced myself to go back to work rather than stay on disability, and I strongly advocated for the Drs to help with a "return to work" plan. But after the last hospitalization, the Drs basically told me that I had to stop banging my head against a brick wall, and despite my stubbornness, I had to agree.

 

[DasDasDAS]

I can relate, I never had any kind of drive to be alive but I think that's because I was left "broken" at a very young age. Some things would keep me here longer but nothing would make me want to genuinely stay alive in this hellscape either.

I too felt broken at a very young age and have had suicidal fantasies very early in life and have been suicidal for a long time. But there have always been something I wanted in life. It feels like I lost so much...

A combination of mental illness (bipolar type 2 with treatment resistant depression, complicated by ADHD and bulimia) and MS. I kept trying and trying to go back to work after various hospitalizations and lengthy absences, but I was never able to function well enough to perform adequately for any length of time. The hospitalizations and absences kept increasing in frequency and duration, and finally the doctors told me that I had to accept that I just couldn't go back to work. On previous occasions I had always forced myself to go back to work rather than stay on disability, and I strongly advocated for the Drs to help with a "return to work" plan. But after the last hospitalization, the Drs basically told me that I had to stop banging my head against a brick wall, and despite my stubbornness, I had to agree.

Damn you were dealt a bad hand dude!

Hope the two of you get better if possible...

 

[LittleJem]

A combination of mental illness (bipolar type 2 with treatment resistant depression, complicated by ADHD and bulimia) and MS. I kept trying and trying to go back to work after various hospitalizations and lengthy absences, but I was never able to function well enough to perform adequately for any length of time. The hospitalizations and absences kept increasing in frequency and duration, and finally the doctors told me that I had to accept that I just couldn't go back to work. On previous occasions I had always forced myself to go back to work rather than stay on disability, and I strongly advocated for the Drs to help with a "return to work" plan. But after the last hospitalization, the Drs basically told me that I had to stop banging my head against a brick wall, and despite my stubbornness, I had to agree.

I also fought hard to stay working and now I am not, not sure I can work again. Trying to come to terms and readjust to a disabled life...like I cooked for myself yesterday, I managed to walk down street , but with depression there is no pleasure in it. AFD. Another effing day.

OP sorry for all of your suffering, you have endured so much and fought so hard.

I wish we could choose our exit.