Venting i will never be happy and i deserve that

[iamjustapebble]

and the worst part is that it's all my fault and I deserve it. I'm tired of being gaslit, people telling me that im a good person. Why should i ignore the fact that most people ive ever been in a relationship (platonic or romantic) for longer than a month have told me that Im a terrible person and deserve to be treated like a piece of trash? Why should i ignore the fact that ive never been able to keep a relationship for longer than a year? it makes no sense. it is obvious that im a bad person. i deserve it.
and i dont want to get better. maybe it's dumb but i feel like its just not worth it. i don't want to spend literal hundreds of thousands of dollars on therapy, mental health medications, other meds, dental work, surgeries just for it to maybe make me happy? why do i have to spends years of my life doing hard work and torturing myself just for it to maybe work? i feel depressed that i even need any of it. its just not worth it.