I was planning on psh today

[GT Darkarage]

I'm 29 yrs old mentally mess. Today spent all day on my bed and just eat two ice cream cones.

Well I can't post my entire life here but I decided I have no more left to do. Since my last job in January and the las girl I talked to I can't recover from it.

Got a few jobs interviews. Then nothing. I'm at college too and waited till today for things to end so I will have a time away from most people.

Once in a post I said that I felt like I would end up like this. In a mess made by my own. I'm so weak right now.

I used to make exercise. Hike volcanoes. But behind there was always a weak me fearing to meet new people.

I'm pretty sure I did my best but people always keeps pushing me away. And learned that too.

From my last job I escaped just because I felt like it was too much for me. I escaped from a girl just because I was fearing telling her I was suicidal and depressed.

I didn't wanted to harm anybody I now I will hurt my family.

I'm weak and I still believe in god (I know this may sound stupid). Yes I hated him once but now that i know i don't have more energy left. That socializing scares me more than dying...

I can tell i don't hate it. Yes I'm at a very low point in life, had hate in me for years. Now this feels like a sacrifice.

I'm not even able to study anymore. I can't cope with the idea that I'm studying for nothing. Like, ¿Who the hell will hire me, a weak adult with childhood/teen trauma?

Crashed two cars, damaged people in the process. Paid a lot of money for both situations.

Changed career once just because I was scared I had an gay adventure.

Now I'm trapped in depression and anxiety. I don't see myself as an functional person in the future. More likely. I will be a weight as I may suffer dementia or alzheimer.

My diagnostic? High sensitive person + High Abilities (some kind of ASD).

I'm not completely sure. Had therapy a few times but it never cleared my condition.

There is a lot I could describe but it is so much, that a post will never be enough. Maybe a book but, obviously I don't have more energy left. And who the fuck will like to read a book about a depressed autistic guy. That crashed two cars and still just wants to play zelda tears of the kingdom.

This is so much. I'm fucked up nostalgic which never evolved. Which refuses to let the past die. Which would like to feel protected by his parents, knowing they will just past someday. And I cannot cope with that idea.

I was near death once I was a child. Got appendicitis bad diagnosed and since then I think that made me a less capable kid.

I used to prefer to watch the flowers instead of playing in the street with friends.

Basically till today I have a scar that covers almost half of my body. At this moment it doesn't affect me (ashamed) me anymore.

But being honest in the past, I was not able to show it. I knew people would use it to laugh at me.

I spent most of school hiding it.

So there is even more. How I failed at college for not having enough courage to affront things.

How at my first career I used to not attend to classes because I was so social anxious and awkward about myself.

At my second career I never knew how things would gonna be. I got segregated by the others because I already was depressed and anxious. I was not even able to talk to others.

I was traumatized by my first car crash and also traumatized by the idea that I was doubting about my "gender" preferences.

I need to clarify something. Now I'm pretty sure I'm not gay. I already had a few adventures in the past and this year was not the exception.

I don't hate LGBTQ+ people. But if I'm honest, that experience I had just simply destroyed all my morals. I was already suffering depression too ( my grandpa died recently that time so it triggered my depression).

I think being depressed just made me weak and I thought that a relationship could maybe "rescue me". Huge error.

Also now if I where gay I would not really care. But now is too late. I'm ruined.

The second car crash was just because I was depressed and I drunk alcohol even knowing I was 2 years sober. One night ruined everything.

Yes I met new people. Now they are not I'm life anymore. Was the first time I self harm. I still have the scars too.

And I attempted to use cooking butane gas to improvise an exit bag. Something very stupid too. I have to be honest. I turned off all electricity switches to make sure there would be a lower risk of explosion. Finally I didn't make it.

Before that my first attempt was drinking a bunch of pills, a very low power bottle of anesthesia and a huge dose of sodium nitrate (yes nitrate not nitrite). Something so stupid.

So this a disorder of history for sure. There is a lot of details that I'm missing. Even how cruel was my dad when I left my first career or the fact that I never had a proper attention from the first time I said I was depressed.

They even went with all their religious stuff and painted hands in my room with cooking grease.

My brother used to have a "religious group for youth people". It was a crap. They use to reunite just to make couples wich never worked.

My brother even used that to stole money from my dads car.

And my brother was my worst enemy. And he still is.

He is in our house with his wife and his kids. Both used to be abusive to me. And they still don't go just because they prefer to spent money on gadgets and other stuff than in savings for a home/apartment.

Well everything is a shit.

Yes my family used to be abusive. Now they are more friendly but how many years I spent tolerating them and my own errors.

Basically my depression is explained by how bad I was threatened in the past and later that I was just ignored and never had professional constant attention.

Lack of meds, etc..

Now everything is apparently ok.
But not me, I'm basically broken.

I can't cope with the idea that now to be self capable, get a job, meet new people. Will just end up in a crisis.

Now I understand why I hated my family but now is not possible to cure myself. All just because I can't see a way to follow.

Got job interviews. All bad payed.
I don't even have energy left to lear new things.

I don't want to. I have been studying for almost 12 years since I came out from the school.

Nothing is really clear to me now. I just would like to lay down and literally never wake up.

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I've tried to find SN in the past here in my country. But it is just not available. I have money enough to buy but I was reading that something called DSL is down. A guy got arrested for that or something related. That will trigger alarms all over the world. At least in the most common known countries.

So that's why now psh is my go to method.

Even having money I'm pretty sure any other method is almost impossible in a third world country.

Inert gas could be an option. But the work and planning behind it. Still is a lot.

So I choose one of the most common methods. I already tested it and it works. I felt fainting easily.

Why today? Well any other day in the future will be the same. I will be trapped and no matter what, a future where I reach "independence" still looks so far away.

So I prefer to end it now.
I don't want to be confused anymore.
I don't want any more anxiety.
I don't want to pretend that studying will change something.

I don't want to wake up to a place where I now I will be in bed all day.

This is not life. Is a lie.

Now I almost made peaces with everything and everyone but it is too late. I can't travel to the past to make things clear.

Sorry it was supposed to be a short text. But I felt creative and ended up with a huge incomplete declaration.

I still want to die..