I want to have a reason to live, but I just can't find one.

[AnneHiro]

I have never been particularly happy or had anything that felt like it was worth living for. They told me, growing up, that I would figure it out and that it would come together later, but I'm in my mid-30s now, and I do see things differently, but only in that I am more certain than ever that there is nothing for me in this life. As a younger man, I had my own inexperience to doubt, but now I understand that everything is just as hard or harder than I thought it was, and the advice that things would be different later was informed by survivorship bias.

It's all so difficult. Having work, staying afloat, making friends, being in a relationship. It's so overwhelming, and no matter how long I do it, I never have any more to show for it. With each passing year I have less prospects for advancing my station in life, fewer friends, an ever-widening distance from the few that I have, a murkier memory of what it was like to be in a relationship. I just don't see any possibility of having any of the things that I want in life, and telling this to anyone only brings them down and drives them away. It just feels like the only logical answer is to quit while I'm ahead and know that I still had some of my dignity - that I didn't give all of myself to a world that never had a place for me. I remember feeling like I was close, like I could just keep going from one day to the next and enjoy the time I had with the people I loved and find opportunities and things to explore and that I would eventually meet the right person, but it has been a long time since I felt that, and it feels more and more like an impossible detail from a half-remembered dream. I am so tired of feeling the way I have always felt and that I believe I will always feel. I want even a glimmer of hope, but I cannot reconcile that ideal with the reality I have come to understand.

Look past, de-focus
Never could do Magic Eyes
Just an ugly mess

 

[tonicer]

The only thing that keeps me living as a 40+ year old KHHV is my parents. I can't make them bury me so i have to wait for them to go first. Once both are gone i go too.

You experienced so much already i never have. How does it feel to be in a relationship? I can't even imagine what it must feel like to be with a woman.

 

[FluffIsJustice]

One thing I often heard was an interest / hobby fulfilling that role of 'something to live for'. It does help me personally when dealing with loneliness...

Did you ever discover something like that for yourself?

 

[rayyy]

my only reason for living is the hope that i can find a lover that sees me the same way i see them, im not sure if ill ever find one, looking at the way the world is working now, im not too optimistic, but if i do manage to find one, that would ease the pain of living by a considerable amount, if i dont ctb before it happens.

 

[Chili]

I tried to ctb multiple times through college. And I still think about it every day. Then someone gifted me a cat. Couldn't get rid of the cat. Fat fucking lint muncher. No one would take care of my fat fucking lint muncher when I die. That makes me pretty sad. I recommend getting an animal, if that's something you'd be interested in. I hate getting up in the morning to feed him, and I hate having to clean out his litter box when I barely have the energy to get out of bed. But somehow I do it and it at least gets me up and moving. Still have thoughts about ctb but I have no loved ones and I know, for sure, animal control would take him and I don't know where he will go or if someone would spend the money to take him to the hospital. He has heart palpitations, and is generally not the healthiest (or smartest) dude.

 

[AnneHiro]

One thing I often heard was an interest / hobby fulfilling that role of 'something to live for'. It does help me personally when dealing with loneliness...

Did you ever discover something like that for yourself?

I'm an artist. It's a rewarding distraction - I even have a "first" to my name, even if very specific, and that's one of the highest accomplishments an artist can achieve, imo - but the reward does not justify everything else to me.

I tried to ctb multiple times through college. And I still think about it every day. Then someone gifted me a cat. Couldn't get rid of the cat. Fat fucking lint muncher. No one would take care of my fat fucking lint muncher when I die. That makes me pretty sad. I recommend getting an animal, if that's something you'd be interested in. I hate getting up in the morning to feed him, and I hate having to clean out his litter box when I barely have the energy to get out of bed. But somehow I do it and it at least gets me up and moving. Still have thoughts about ctb but I have no loved ones and I know, for sure, animal control would take him and I don't know where he will go or if someone would spend the money to take him to the hospital. He has heart palpitations, and is generally not the healthiest (or smartest) dude.

I live in a very rural area. I used to smoke, and I would be visited by stray cats when I stepped out for a cigarette. I started leaving out cat food, and more cats started accumulating. (I brought one inside to live with me; his name is the Void.) One day, I heard a small dog or puppy yelping, just outside of my front door. I rushed outside to see what was the matter, and the yelping was coming from the crawlspace under my porch. It quickly began moving away, and I ran to follow it barefoot through the pitch black. I chased the yelping to the treeline, and both I and the sound came to a stop a few feet on either side of it. And then the yelping became choking and sputtering, and then silence.

I can't help but think that I created a buffet for whatever did that.

 

[狐狐狐]

Have you ever tried charity work? Can you socialize with folk at all?

I've tried very hard to return to those who give to me, one step further those who are in need. I'll generally go out of my way to be a better person.

Although I am limited on time, I find I quiet enjoy giving hitchhikers rides. I've done plenty of free work for people who need it, shy of that connect them to someone who can help them.

When things are calm again, I'll probably start volunteering at the food bank, I think.

It doesn't always work and I have internal monologues asking if it's for my own pleasure, but overall it helps me feel better about the world. If nothing else, I've found it helps me view myself as a better person.

--

I've dated twice, almost married one, buried his father. It's been close to three years, I've been single and I've been okay with it. I miss snuggling in bed with another human, really that's it. It's nice not having to care for someone when I'm home.

I hope when people look back on me, they remember me well, not the bitter person I dread I could evolve into in the coming years.

 

[AnneHiro]

Have you ever tried charity work? Can you socialize with folk at all?

I've tried very hard to return to those who give to me, one step further those who are in need. I'll generally go out of my way to be a better person.

Although I am limited on time, I find I quiet enjoy giving hitchhikers rides. I've done plenty of free work for people who need it, shy of that connect them to someone who can help them.

When things are calm again, I'll probably start volunteering at the food bank, I think.

It doesn't always work and I have internal monologues asking if it's for my own pleasure, but overall it helps me feel better about the world. If nothing else, I've found it helps me view myself as a better person.

--

I've dated twice, almost married one, buried his father. It's been close to three years, I've been single and I've been okay with it. I miss snuggling in bed with another human, really that's it. It's nice not having to care for someone when I'm home.

I hope when people look back on me, they remember me well, not the bitter person I dread I could evolve into in the coming years.

I fed the homeless one Thanksgiving. I found it very unrewarding. If the only thing anyone wants from me is my labor, and only if I give it away, quite frankly, I would rather not exist at all.

 

[狐狐狐]

I fed the homeless one Thanksgiving. I found it very unrewarding. If the only thing anyone wants from me is my labor, and only if I give it away, quite frankly, I would rather not exist at all.

It's not for everyone and it's okay not to have a "Live to work" mindset. Plenty of people "Work to live" Some don't work at all. There's great sacrifices, but it's a life option.

I've had a few friends flow in and out of the prison system through my life. Few of which I've wanted to be around as I've gotten older. You can always try to say your feelings. It's okay to be turned down. Unless you're sure it'd be a net negative relationship.

**

Change comes in small ways and it's something you need to actively want and chase. I've found it comes at great cost sometimes. Although I personally like me more than I liked myself 5 years ago.

I fed the homeless one Thanksgiving. I found it very unrewarding. If the only thing anyone wants from me is my labor, and only if I give it away, quite frankly, I would rather not exist at all.

I saw you edited your post, figured I'd purge the quote from mine. Be safe!

 

[tipoftheRGB]

I'm an artist. It's a rewarding distraction - I even have a "first" to my name, even if very specific, and that's one of the highest accomplishments an artist can achieve, imo - but the reward does not justify everything else to me.

I live in a very rural area. I used to smoke, and I would be visited by stray cats when I stepped out for a cigarette. I started leaving out cat food, and more cats started accumulating. (I brought one inside to live with me; his name is the Void.) One day, I heard a small dog or puppy yelping, just outside of my front door. I rushed outside to see what was the matter, and the yelping was coming from the crawlspace under my porch. It quickly began moving away, and I ran to follow it barefoot through the pitch black. I chased the yelping to the treeline, and both I and the sound came to a stop a few feet on either side of it. And then the yelping became choking and sputtering, and then silence.

I can't help but think that I created a buffet for whatever did that.

This could be a really stupid suggestion but could you maybe try moving to the city where all the women (if you are attracted to them) and people live for more friendship and partner opportunities? Where I live there are more women in the cities and more men in the rural areas - also there are more potential friends and also people who haven't settled down living in the cities.

But yeah that does sound extremely hard. I relate to the part about all the friends slipping away and the prospects minimising. I hope you find good close people at some point.