I don't know what it is, I'm facing possible homelessness if my roommate can't come through for us tomorrow, Im working a job for 12 an hour when I was working for 22.25 months ago. My car is broken.
Yet I can't help but feel the x Japan song "Jade" where he says "Will God break my fall? I feel the mystery tries to keep me along to the end of the world, where I still believe the canon is full of light~"
It feels like I feel cringe for saying it, but it feels like Jesus won't let me go.
I don't want to face the what if. I mean we've managed to get through every tough spot, we've managed to come out intact. I especially feel with my baptism and feeling him help me save my family's items, I feel closer, I feel more moments where I tear up despite my medications trying their best to nullify my emotions at the sheer feeling of love.
But I also feel with each movement forward the stakes are rising more and more, the higher moods of loving my friends, my only remaining family my brother, and finding light. The higher the throws of suicide, the more stakes that make me just want to finally release myself from this coil.
Heck, even my Satanist friend of 10 years told me to keep one foot in front of the other and pray. I'm scared, why do I keep feeling attached to this world? I don't feel I would be punished for taking my life, heck my best friend said if the pain is too much than to do it yet it means everything leading to this will have ended, but yet I keep wanting to continue as if there's something right around the corner that will change all of this.
Sorry for the long post.
Yet I can't help but feel the x Japan song "Jade" where he says "Will God break my fall? I feel the mystery tries to keep me along to the end of the world, where I still believe the canon is full of light~"
It feels like I feel cringe for saying it, but it feels like Jesus won't let me go.
I don't want to face the what if. I mean we've managed to get through every tough spot, we've managed to come out intact. I especially feel with my baptism and feeling him help me save my family's items, I feel closer, I feel more moments where I tear up despite my medications trying their best to nullify my emotions at the sheer feeling of love.
But I also feel with each movement forward the stakes are rising more and more, the higher moods of loving my friends, my only remaining family my brother, and finding light. The higher the throws of suicide, the more stakes that make me just want to finally release myself from this coil.
Heck, even my Satanist friend of 10 years told me to keep one foot in front of the other and pray. I'm scared, why do I keep feeling attached to this world? I don't feel I would be punished for taking my life, heck my best friend said if the pain is too much than to do it yet it means everything leading to this will have ended, but yet I keep wanting to continue as if there's something right around the corner that will change all of this.
Sorry for the long post.
