I want to die but...

[plskilme]

A small part of me wants to get help. I really want to die and almost have in the past weeks days in general from every day shit. Had a near death experience recently of choking. Almost crashed my car because some asshole slammed their breaks for like no reason. But a small part of me (like about 2%) wants to live because I am pretty sure it would bring my family and friends issues. Idk what to do. I had therapy years ago, it never worked. Tried anti-depressants, those only worked for like a week then I was feeling no emotion whatsoever. It was not depressed, not happy, not sad, not anything. Just feeling emotionally numb. I have no idea what to do. I just want to relapse and start cutting again.

 

[bagel12]

standard therapy and antidepressants don't work for me either. but there are other types of therapy that are supposedly good for suicidal people like DBT, ACT, or existential therapy, maybe that would be worth a try if part of you wants to live. i think i am going to try one of those types of therapy and see if it helps me. also have you considered something like partial hospitalization programs or intensive outpatient programs?

one of my friends was diagnosed with treatment resistant depression, antidepressants didn't work, standard therapy didn't work. he attempted ctb and survived his attempt so he went to the psych ward. it turns out he was actually bipolar and once they put him on mood stabilizers he felt a lot better. when he was released he did a partial hospitalization program called DBT that supposedly is designed for people with emotional issues and suicidal ideation and that helped him a lot too. that was over 5 years ago and to my knowledge he's never attempted since. so my friend's experience gives me some hope that maybe a different type of therapy or med will help me feel better, i just haven't found it yet.

i should mention that my adhd medication reduces my suicidal thoughts a lot. and it also makes me motivated to do things in life, which helps because part of why i want to ctb is that i've fucked up my life and don't want to do anything. but it has other side effects and im bad at taking it consistently. anyway if you have adhd you should try out a few different adhd medications and see if they help.

i am sorry that you are feeling this way i wish you the best

edit: psychedelics help me too, but don't try those if you have a personal or family history of psychosis

 

[wavering thoughts]

A small part of me wants to get help. I really want to die and almost have in the past weeks days in general from every day shit. Had a near death experience recently of choking. Almost crashed my car because some asshole slammed their breaks for like no reason. But a small part of me (like about 2%) wants to live because I am pretty sure it would bring my family and friends issues. Idk what to do. I had therapy years ago, it never worked. Tried anti-depressants, those only worked for like a week then I was feeling no emotion whatsoever. It was not depressed, not happy, not sad, not anything. Just feeling emotionally numb. I have no idea what to do. I just want to relapse and start cutting again.

I am facing a similar situation but with a different case.

If I live, I have a high chance of achieving great things in life, I am really talented in a certain thing I cannot name for OPSEC reasons.

Yet I am killing myself this weekend, I think of it as a way to escape everything, because you wont feel anything afterwards or even have a afterlife, it will be nothing, peace in its purest form.

However I think you can get help if you have people that truly care about you.

 

[ctb_warrior]

Most psychotic medicines that they prescribe isn't really useful.
I'll suggest havening technique if that helps in feeling better. It is used for PTSD, and is effective so much so, it's used to heal war veterans

I am facing a similar situation but with a different case.

If I live, I have a high chance of achieving great things in life, I am really talented in a certain thing I cannot name for OPSEC reasons.

Yet I am killing myself this weekend, I think of it as a way to escape everything, because you wont feel anything afterwards or even have a afterlife, it will be nothing, peace in its purest form.

However I think you can get help if you have people that truly care about you.

Which method are you planning to use this weekend?

 

[plskilme]

I am facing a similar situation but with a different case.

If I live, I have a high chance of achieving great things in life, I am really talented in a certain thing I cannot name for OPSEC reasons.

Yet I am killing myself this weekend, I think of it as a way to escape everything, because you wont feel anything afterwards or even have a afterlife, it will be nothing, peace in its purest form.

However I think you can get help if you have people that truly care about you.

Tbh I thought about it a lot, and I really want to die in a way that will make people laugh their fucking asses of when they talk about it... problem is idk what method would do that exactly. I want to be remembered as a the dude who died in a funny ass way honestly. I don"t want my death to be sad for others, that just feels a bit selfish in my opinion.

 

[ctb_warrior]

Tbh I thought about it a lot, and I really want to die in a way that will make people laugh their fucking asses of when they talk about it... problem is idk what method would do that exactly. I want to be remembered as a the dude who died in a funny ass way honestly. I don"t want my death to be sad for others, that just feels a bit selfish in my opinion.

You know brother, that's our fckn problem in life. We think a lot about others while most others don't think about us. We care too much. We are sensitive.
To survive in this world, i realised, we need to thick skinned, insensitive and bold personality who's ready to bend reality and do what it takes to live a good life.

We lose this game by being sensitive and caring. I think we all need to be Alphas and dominate over the insensitive folks because we are better than them in every possible way

 

[wavering thoughts]

Tbh I thought about it a lot, and I really want to die in a way that will make people laugh their fucking asses of when they talk about it... problem is idk what method would do that exactly. I want to be remembered as a the dude who died in a funny ass way honestly. I don"t want my death to be sad for others, that just feels a bit selfish in my opinion.

I will probably try to jump from a really really tall building or poison myself, hanging is just scary and I cant use a gun because I would need to be over 21 for that

 

[ctb_warrior]

I will probably try to jump from a really really tall building or poison myself, hanging is just scary and I cant use a gun because I would need to be over 21 for that

If you are thinking of jumping, make sure you plan properly, because there's a fellow member who jumped from a great height and ended up disabled. Potent poison may be a better option than jump. Hanging and gun even i can't use.
I live with my parents and they keep checking on me and any parcel that comes, so there's no way i can bring in any suspicious object or chemical. I'm stuck in the journey of ctb as I'm unable to find a method that fits my constrained situation

 

[wavering thoughts]

If you are thinking of jumping, make sure you plan properly, because there's a fellow member who jumped from a great height and ended up disabled. Potent poison may be a better option than jump. Hanging and gun even i can't use.
I live with my parents and they keep checking on me and any parcel that comes, so there's no way i can bring in any suspicious object or chemical. I'm stuck in the journey of ctb as I'm unable to find a method that fits my constrained situation

Yeah same, my parents also go through everything, I will buy poison and do it immediately.

Jumping wont be a good idea because I dont want any chance of being alive after attempting.

 

[ctb_warrior]

Yeah same, my parents also go through everything, I will buy poison and do it immediately.

Jumping wont be a good idea because I dont want any chance of being alive after attempting.

Yeah jumping is risky. Can cripple and make our life worse than it is now.
Do you know any potent poison that can be easily available in the market and can help ctb really fast such that it works before medical help is given

 

[wavering thoughts]

Yeah jumping is risky. Can cripple and make our life worse than it is now.
Do you know any potent poison that can be easily available in the market and can help ctb really fast such that it works before medical help is given

I dont know about any easily available poisons, but I do know how to get it easily using friends. I have a friend who does lab work

 

[ctb_warrior]

I dont know about any easily available poisons, but I do know how to get it easily using friends. I have a friend who does lab work

Ohh that's nice. Wish you luck