Venting I used to want to get better but now I don't care anymore

[greyismyfavecolor]

It's all just lies anyway. Deluding yourself into thinking everything is fine and worth it now. The only ones who can actually get better are those people who only have mild issues or whose problems stem from circumstances in their life they'll be able to remove. Once you truly realize how meaningless it all is, you can never go back. There's no happiness or purpose in an inherently meaningless world and the pain of alienation never gets easier. Once you become an outcast, you'll never be accepted into normal society again. Forever the one who doesn't belong anywhere. "It gets better" is a lie told by people who will never be able to understand, because they're too blind to see reality. "You're just saying this because you're depressed" no, this is the real me. This is who I am and all I will ever be. The dumb ignorant child I used to be is dead forever. I don't want artificial happiness. All those things that make normal people happier don't mean anything to me anymore. Everything is a meaningless distraction and a waste of time, to make the hours pass quicker until I can go to sleep again. They try to help me but they don't realize it's futile. And I'm not even able to feel bad for them anymore. At some point you just lose the ability to genuinely care about others. How could I not be lonely and isolated if I've never been able to form a genuine connection with anyone? And there's nothing else left. I'm on meds again, but nothing ever changes. Recently I got admitted to a mental hospital again, and all that happened is I got reminded what happens if you're honest with anyone. Why do people say they love you but would rather keep you alive and in pain against your will than let you finally be free?
I don't want to get better anymore, I just want to die.

 

[FuneralCry]

In my case, I do not want any kind of life at all, all that I want is non existence. Life is just meaningless suffering, I see no point to living. There is nothing that could ever make me want to live, I just exist for the sake of it.

People are selfish after all, many delusional anti choicers probably think they are helping someone by forcing them to live as they believe that suicide is always irrational. I think that wanting suicide can be perfectly rational in a world like this, I want to leave this world as I see life for what it is. I wish you the best.